While I am not entirely sure of the context to this piece in terms of writing mechanics, this is well put together. Is there a reason why there is only dialogue? That is the only major point I noticed. Even scripts still contain behavioral queues. What are the characters doing while talking?
This is clearly an emotional piece but I am unsure if you have developed it enough. This seems like an idea that you drafted, rather than a finished piece. The dialogue needs work, as does the punctuation. Your characterization is decent enough though. Ultimately you have a good base to work off of but not something superior.
This is lovely. I think despite what you say in this you do have a talent for writing. My main complaint is just that you seem to have an unintentionally repetitive structure to your writing that can cause people to loose interest. "I" phrases are good to see, but the sheer volume of them seems excessive at times.
I think this was well deserving of its reward. You have created a fairly immersive story that showcases the character's journey. A flawed but ultimately moral individual thinking upon their life creates an interesting read. Bobby's interaction with Leon seems like it may be less dynamic than it could be, but that is a minor thing to tweak.
Well you certainly haven't skimped on the imagery. This has an almost surrealist bent to it. Reading this had an almost disorienting effect, however it manages to seamlessly fit together. You make a few punctuation errors, but that is just an editing flaw. Overall the message still carries through.
The parallels you draw are well developed even if your flow is a bit lacking. You clearly have a passion for the subject and that is what's truly important. Keep writing and you will make something fantastic. As is I would say 3 stars for writing and one more just for enthusiasm.
Honestly this was a bit underwhelming. I love it when we get some comic weight gain. But things are just super sparse here. Chubby batgirls are the most adorable thing. Plus you get the whole fit to fat transformation. But this was basically empty. It strung me along and ended on a middle note.
This looks so interesting. A potential mutual gain sounds so captivating. We almost never see this content here. Plus they are young. We can see them pull off a slow burn that would rarely appear. So far so good. I can't wait to keep reading. Fingers crossed this should be good.
To me this seemed like an almost allagorical tale. The snowblindness translating to the elements of sight and blindness, falsehood and truth. Truely a great start for someone. I came due to your forum post and was not dissapointed. The cycles your tale takes makes this a good read.
This was a very richly designed piece. When reading this I felt nostalgic for a time I hadn't been present for. It captured a sensation, like the knights of old walked the earth again. This is somthing rarely seen anymore and is refreshing to see such romanticism. Keep up the amazing work. I hope to see more of this in the future.
I loved that older movie. Anything that does the modern twist well is great in my book. Amazing to hear another glowing review. Better than Twilight by far. The old school meeting new school is so much more compelling that just dropping vampires into a tiny town.
It appears you haven't capitalized the beginnings of your sentences.This lack of formatting can be taken the wrong way. Otherwise it had a tone rich with emotion. Your soul went into this and it is a great thing to read. You captured something rather primal when making this.
You have a very theatrical tone. It works well with this piece, but it oozes drama. This isn't always a bad thing. Many writers can capitalize on this. Sometimes though levity can be less appreciated.Aside from that the poem flows well and it has quite a nice format.
This has a very lyrical tone to it. Did you imagine it to any particular background? Aside from that it has a very smooth feel to it. Perhaps a bit of emotional depth wouldn't hurt but it was rather compelling on its own. Best of luck with your future pieces.
-pug
I notice your dialogue may have some kinks to be worked out. Personally I am big on vocal descriptions in densely packed pieces such as this. The angels rarely have their tone or expressions defined and this can be critical for immersion. Aside from that you seem to be working with a good project here.
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