I think this is a heartfelt story that most women can relate to...most of us have loved and lost someone. In that respect, I think it is very successful.
"I was here in my three bedroom apartment. I was still a divorced mother raising three children" I particularly liked the reality of this line. It was a twist that I didn't expect.
Here are some suggestions:
Tense Changes:
Don’t skip back and forth between tenses. Go through your piece and see that it conforms to one tense for the telling of the story. Present, past, or future. You can have other tenses but only as a side to the story or a projection of the future.
The air is so warm, and the gazebo is lit with fragrant candles. As I look around the lake just 500 feet from the house, I thought, “Oh, this will be the night.”
The biggest problem the story has is the frequent changes of tense. The first sentence suggests you are in the present. Don't change to the past and say "I thought"...keep it in the present, "I think"
I have waited for so long for him to love me again. We had been married for years, and he had lost his attraction for me. I just (wanted)want his kiss of yesteryear. The kiss that I used to melt into. I (wanted) want to have the looks that he now gives to the scantly dressed “tens” on the wrestling programs. I (was)am so excited, I (would)will have my husband. If you want to tell the story in past tense then change the first sentence to past tense.
I knew that it was yet another hour until (her) he would come home from work...It is another hour before he comes, but I (had)have everything ready. The candles (were) are lit, the stars (remove were)bright, and I am (laying) should be 'lying' on the inflatable mattress under the shelter of the gazebo. I (was) am dressed in a lovely black teddy, and I (felt) feel so comfortable between the satin sheets. I (thought that I would take) think about taking a nap until I (heard) hear his car pull up.
You get the idea...go through the piece and change all the tenses to the present or past but don't skip back and forth.
Startled by the ringing of my phone, I discover it is a friend calling. I (was) am having problems getting my (Barings)bearings.
My back, my neck, my breasts, my thighs, and my lips were all in need of his touch.
Lists:
Whether it is a list of verbs, nouns, or adjectives, the result is static and the internal eye shuts down.
I hope this helps.
I think your idea of a dream that crashes into reality is a very clever one. Great story!
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What a clever boy you are! This is excellent! I've always enjoyed free verse and the ideas that you put forth hold honesty and truth. Witty, calculating, and a touch naughty "careless as God"...this is sophisticated writing with the juxtaposition of light and dark.
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I've never written lyrics and I don't know what is required technically. So you can take this review with a grain of salt. I've read it 6 times and I like it better each time I hear it. The darkness doesn't bother me and actually I think the 'Without my suicide' changing over to "before I'm crucified" is rather clever. The character is dead (figuatively)either way, correct?
This isn't a criticism but a question...why crimson walls? Red signifies passion/blood/life. Then in the second stanza you use the word violence. These are all strong emotional words and I can't help but feel the character doesn't suffer in silence (even if no one can hear him). In fact he wants to run, hide, against the pain of knowing he is dead inside.
The other line I question is..Now the fear is returning to me...wouldn't the character live continually in fear? If he is close to suicide or being crucified (figuratively) might he not always be afraid? The fear is always with me...that hate will be all I see???
I'm not sure why 'so' starts the line "I scratch my eyes" unless you need it for a measured line? To me it would sound better left out and then replace now with the so in the following line.
Then I would use Still instead of But, I know these scars are real.
I like the lyrics a lot...you have shown the pain and alienation we all feel when our life is drastically off track.
Good luck...maybe I'll hear it on the radio some day.
I don't feel qualified to give any advice on poetry since I don't write it. However, if you will allow me a few comments...I like the flow of the poem. It seems to have a beginning , a middle , and an end. It also has a definite message which everyone can relate to. Every mistake matters. If we aren't aware of that fact, then the poem makes us think and so it is a lesson too. I liked the line "Until you slip over the edge" which is a goal we all should have in facing our mistakes and acknowledging them. I have a problem with the first line because I don't understand it. It seems it could be left out without any harm to the integrity of the poem. I think the second line is strong and compelling. If it were my poem I'd choose that to open with. Of course it isn't so only you can decide. Good luck, I liked it.
Pura Vida
It was the curious title that drew me to read your piece. I knew it was going to be something different and it didn't disappoint me. I think the writing is excellent with great descriptive words but perhaps a bit too much description and not enough character development. Maybe just a personal preference on my part but I would have liked more dialogue. Most of the piece is dedicated to describing the place when I really wanted to hear more about the immigrants. It is a cute read and I like your sophisticated writing style. The overall impression I get is that this is a too short story and I wanted to hear more. It feels like the beginning of a book perhaps???
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