Hm, interesting!
Firstly I want to say that you had some wonderful imagery in here, I really loved one of the first sentences, where it said, "...the grass beneath his feet a carpet of sorrow, each blade weeping a glimmering tear..." That is just wonderful!
Your pacing was good, I was able to read from beginning to end without too much trouble. I found, though, that I was jarred when it came to the alien encounter; things shifted really quickly, before I'd really had time to establish where in time your character was.
At first, I assumed this was something medieval-like, and then computers were mentioned, so my mind adjusted to that, but then the mood of the story changed a little too rapidly for my tastes. First your character was full of grief, and then your alien character starts speaking rather neutrally about his work, then they go to the ship and he seems to feel fine and curious.
Which is natural, I suppose, if you happen upon a couple of aliens and a space shuttle, I mean, you'd probably feel a bit distracted, yeah, but I think the reader would benefit if you described the changing emotions a bit more, with your main character.
Also, I think it would help if you mentioned, somewhere in the beginning, what their jobs were, exactly, because that might help prepare for the onslaught of the math and science talk.
Anyway, that's just me, I think you had an interesting idea and some great imagery, but a bit of fine-tuning to help with the rapid transitions could help it from being so jarring to the reader. Take care and keep up the great work!
--Rachael |
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