You've written an interesting piece with some interesting problems. Your words and ideas are not all consistent, and some ideas are unclear in a distracting way. You also have some punctuation issues. I don't get all strung out over punctuation, so I'll put those at the end.
It is pitch black. I feel lost, there is no color. Nothing really matters to me anymore anyway.
You open by telling us nothing matters, but then you jump into caring. This confuses me. Please tell me more about what doesn't matter anymore and why.
As I begin to move them, I discover I have legs.
I don't care for the pronoun "them" before you introduce it. Yes combined it does make sense, but when I initially read it, my mind had no idea what a them was and it got distracted. Such little distractions weaken prose a great deal. I'd simply switch it around: "I discover I have legs as I begin to move them."
So, at this point you've made a lot of assumptions you may not be aware of. If he doesn't know he is dead, would discovering legs be important? IS it something he'd even think about? If he does think he's dead, how does he know it? We have no information to know what he thinks or percieves and suddenly he finds he has legs. It's a big stretch for me. Fill in tehse blanks.
I was killed for murder.
Huh? I have no idea what this means. I was killed for ... money, revenge, spite -- these things I can picture -- but I was killed for murder? I think this needs clarifying.
my physical being was strapped to a chair. Which was also the reason I died.
These sentences say you died because you were strapped to a chair. Must have been tight knots.
I wish nothing more than to leave this depressing , colorless place,
Depressing? It might be better to write this earlier. Stating it as a casual phrase like this pulls my mind away and I begin wondering why it's depressing. Don't make us fill in these blanks.
but again, who am I to leave a place where I have been designated to go, I am just but a poor boy, I don’t need anyone’s sympathy. I might as well stay here. I remember I was young in my life, in my 20’s, and I threw it all away. I wish I could start over...
What was the point of being born at all, I am now just a shadow of what I was, what I could have been, all for that decision.
You are filling in gaps here:
- you've been designated to go here, but that means someone has made a decision and you know it. But so far you know nothing about this place.
- don't need anyone's sympathy suggests there might be other souls about. We haven't seen any yet.
- I might as well stay here. You haven't presented us with any options. Do you have a choice?
- I'm now just a shadow ... Can you see yourself?
surely this being can save me from this monstrosity!
Monstrosity typically refers to character. While your use is correct, I think, it still distracts me. I initially try to envision a person. Maybe you could reword it to clarify, perhaps "this monstrous place" or "this hell hole, this monstrosity." But really, you don't see much; it's basically all black. There is no sense of monstrousness.
And if, as to respond to my thoughts, if this make any sense, the colorless world got brighter,
I liked this. It raises our awareness of tension. It shines some hope on the situation but doesn't resolve it. As hitchcok says, "never let the bomb go off."
But, from now on, it’s anyway the wind blows...
This is a pretty abstract conclusion, and it doesn't appeal to me. I'd ponder it awhile and reword it. Or, set up some thing that tells us about wind, say always walked with the wind at his back or some other cliché ;) I guess I need something else to tie this line in.
Punctuation
I feel lost, there is no color. Technically a comma is not strong enough to join two independant clauses like this. Though it is done. I'd prefer you use "and" so it flows better.
I look up to the sky or what seems to be the sky and I feel a sense of hopefulness, maybe I am not dead. You should have a comma after sky. I prefer to omit them, but the sentences should be short when you do this, very related, and no subbordinate clauses attached. The maybe I am not dead is also independant and needs more than comma seperateion. I'd use a semicolon or a period.
I wake and everything comes back to me. This is another case of an omitted comma, but I approve of this one ;) A comma would slow it down. In formal writing, say a letter or report, add the comma.
I am dead, I was killed for murder. Again, the comma is not sufficient.
I remember my mother, she was there, and I can still remember her crying and not being able to do anything to comfort her, my physical being was strapped to a chair. I'll suggest you study punctuation. This is a mish-mash of many errors. I want to suggest you try re-qriting this using the "threes" structure -- three independant clauses separated by semicolons. It can be a powerful technique. It might flow like this.
I remember my mother; she was there; I can still remember her crying. I was unable to do anything to comfort her; my body was strapped to a chair.
I know I've thrown a lot at you, but much of it is repetetive. I see issues with clarity and sentence structure, but beyond that, I have very little to complain about. This piece is creative, contains tension, and ends in failure -- scenes should end in failure. Your errors are not unique -- we all make them, and we've all struggled through them. Please do not let me discourage you, and keep writing!
WriteOn!
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