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Review of The Journey  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
Hey.

Looks like you are new to WDC and to poetry. Awesome you are getting your hands dirty by writing it. It's the best way to learn.

*Tools* Cut, cut, cut

At this stage, it might be easier to identify things I don't like rather than make suggestions for improvement. I've looked at your other poems, and I definitely see some practices to change. Keep in mind learning to write poetry well can take years of practice. It can take hundreds if not thousands of poems before we learn our own styles and preferences.

Some wordings I highly encourage you to resist using are
- pronoun phrases such as 'for the' or 'amongst the.'
- the word 'the', unless you really need it.
- overuse of conjunctions
- ing words

Amongst the many souls I lie,
Intoxicated by their shimmering spirits,
The warmth they bring to me I won't deny,
For the journey, by God, we don't fear it,
For the mist is ahead and the twister is near,
On the journey that we have been given,
And the voices we hear we do not fear,
For we share in this life we are living,
And the voices are our own,
And the rain is tears of happiness,
Coming down to us from the heavens above,
And the harkening cry,
Is a welcoming sign of Him,
Who has granted us glorious Love.


*Type* Add, add, add

As you can see, when I cut out all of these uncharged wordings, there's not much left. These have severely weighed down the poem and the images you want to present never fully get off the ground. If I was your teacher, I would ask you to cut everything I suggest and rebuild it using new words. Focus on concrete nouns and active verbs. Focus on imagery. Discover what the true message of your poem is and build lyrical images that support it.

Easier said than done.

*Telescope* Going forward

I recommend you read and study poetry. Read at least one poem a day aloud. Learn about rhyming, meter, and imagery (literary trope). This is a wonderful world to explore, and it is necessary to get better.

*Quill*WriteOn!

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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This little story is fun. The hyperbole -- the juxtaposition of age and topic -- sets this as a light, airy piece, a satire of a deep, personal discussion. It does beg questions of what kind of father would ait so long and under what circumstances such a discussion would occur. Still, we can imagine. Personally, I think they are both on the short end of the mental management continuum ;)

I want to thank you for this exploration. Misunderstanding is an important device; this has given me ideas for my own writing.

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Review of Nerys  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
*ThumbsUp*Likes

Thank you for sharing this piece. I too am a cat person. We had unwanted kittens last fall we didn't want to give up.



*Tools* Areas for Improvement

*Key* Narrative Arcs

I think you can revisit the arcs of some of these paragraphs. In storytelling (fiction and non) we try to follow story arcs. Such an arc can be like
- action
- pause
- resistance
- climax
- suspension
- release

The best writing tends to follow such beats. Often they are all contained in single, longer paragraphs, but much broken writing -- small paragraphs with interspersed dialogue -- also follows such arcs. Your story overall follows such an arc, but the sub-arcs tend to break down.

Take for example your second paragraph. I might plot it as
Release - With kittens there's no such thing as 'just a moment'.
Action, Pause - I stayed at the SPCA for quite some time, playing and trying to choose.
Resistance - There were a couple of white dappled siblings who were very cute
Resistance - but since I still had one older cat at home I couldn't really foist two new friends on him,
Resistance - or in all honesty fund three cats.
Resistance, climax, or suspension - And there was no way I'd consider taking just one of a pair.

In this paragraph you immediately release us from the fight, and by doing so, the resistance holds less power over us. I'd rather you released us at the end.

I am advocating form, and one of the risks is our writing can become formulaic and predictable. I don't think it is true, but it is a fear. I always suggest reading stories with this form in mind and try to see the arcs in others' prose. I have yet to be disappointed.

*Key* Verbs
Some of your verb choice is weak. You tend to overuse copulas (to be), and some of your stage management verbs can be more active (I stayed, I told, I noted, etc.) In the following paragraph I have attempted to use colour to identify strengths and weaknesses, a verb analysis. It is rough and not complete, but it shows how the to-be constructs and the body management weigh down the paragraph. Some red is needed; story is not all go, go, go. But in my opinion, much of this story needs more activation. Revisit your verbs!

As I was leaving (choice unmade), the staff told me there was a second room and I had no will power to stay out of it. I was looking for a kitten that called to me, and in this room there was a little black female kitten that reminded me of Chloe (though longer-haired). She was very cute and played with the string, and clambered over me. And there was another little kitten, dark as well but male, who was climbing all over my back. When I finally stood up to leave (I was going to do the right thing by taking the night to think things over) this little male kitten had perched on the top of a scratchy pole and was watching me. I noted that he was lighter coloured around his chin.



*Yinyang* Miscellaneous

And I wasn't sure I was 100% ready anyway. <= This is a tautology. Being sure is the same as 100% ready. The sentences says, I wasn't sure I was sure.



*Quill*WriteOn!

Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. I hope I've helped.

John

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Review of The March  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a scene we've all seen but have rarely read. Thank you.

I am not sure of your use of sometime. I suspect some time is the more correct usage, as some seems to act as an adverb rather than the entire sometime.http://www.grammarly.com/handbook/grammar/adjectiv...

Personally, I would lose the double exclamation marks and the capitalization, "PAPA!!" I know it's extra-emphatic, but ... the editor in me says no. The discerning reader would respect it more.

I feel a need to sustain the tension. It feels like it falls or was never quite there. I'm thinking maybe put the word "Home" at the end of the sentence. Show us his struggle before saying it, then make it sound a compromise, as if something bad is going to happen.

Just my two-cent suggestions.

Thanks again for sharing,

John

Write On!
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5
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hey,

Thank you for sharing your story.

Assumptions: you are a teenager and an inexperienced fiction writer.
Goal: to give you some ideas to improve your stories.

I know ahead of time I am going to sound pedantic and paternalistic, but there it is.

Initial reaction:Cliché! This is an age-old story of parents worrying about their child becoming an adult too soon before the child is ready, and of course the child thinking they are already an adult. The child of course behaves admirably (or does she?) and the parents are embarrassed. The problem is this story has been told so many times. I immediately want to turn to something else, not because of the writing but because of the subject matter. For this to work, you need to somehow make it your own, make the reader want to remain to read the same old story they know the ending to. This is a tough job, but nearly all story has been told before, and we all face this challenge. But this particular trope has been told so many times it really does feel like cliché.

Likes: I like your attempts at making the story futuristic. The term 'involvement' is so simple but very well used. I'll call it a free indirect term, a term that takes us both into atavistic and futuristic realms. We are drawn into the bedroom as such stories have always drawn us, but we are also drawn into a science-fiction, Jetson-isk society where such actions are labeled with modernistic epithets. Whenever a writer draws a reader in two opposing directions like this, a form of dramatic irony, it creates the all-desired three-dimensional world we so much wish to create. An exceptional choice, in my humble opinion.

Areas for Improvement:
- Telling vs. Showing. Like the rest of us, you feel a need to tell the reader every little emotion and reason. They gnaw at us and beg to be let out. But as a reader, the telling bogs the story down. The truth is I only want hints. Consider, “That’s why I’m here,” said Cecian. “I want her to see me waiting for her so she knows we know she has been sneaking out.” Something shorter and crisper such as, "I want her to see me waiting; I want her to know I know." This is only a suggestion, but it leaves it up to the reader to figure out the rest of the situation. We ask, "know what?" We have a question which is tension. Build such tension and play it, suspend it, let the fish fight. Do not reel it in. Your text tells us exactly what is happening and why and we never ask what is going on.

- Telling with dialog. I am adding this point because you tell much of the story through dialogue:
--- the above mentioned passage.
--- “It’s all your fault she has been sneaking out for the last seven months,” said Jessina. “You shouldn’t have forbidden her to go out with him.”
--- “I hope you are right, but I have overheard whispers about her, and I don’t like what I have been secretly hearing. That’s why I’m here,” said Cecian. “I going to confront her about those whispers, and find out what’s going on once and for all.”
--- “I sneaked out to make it look like I was seeing Moric,” responded Sharrie. “If you must know, I have been helping him to cover up his involvement with someone his parents don’t like.

Telling story through dialogue can get boring fast. Nearly all dialogue should contain subtext and James Scott Bell says in Plot and Structure it should be limited to three beats. Nearly your whole story is told in dialogue. It takes energy to read and much of it is rather mundane and telling. Switch to narrative if you can. Build the scene, set the tension, and then use dialogue to make the conflict pop! A general statement but as you read fiction, you will generally find this pattern followed.

- The footnote at the end is bizarre. If these points are important, build them into your story.

Overall: I did enjoy reading your piece more than I initially expected to. Your futuristic references were nice, as explained, and helped make this story your own. I suspect this piece was intended to be under 1000 words, and if you follow my suggestions, you will blow that limit. I understand, but I still encourage you to try what I say, pay attention to showing vs. telling as you read, and also pay close attention to the use of dialogue in stories and try to figure out for yourself what makes it work or not work.

Above all else,

Write On!

John

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6
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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey,

This is a creepy story. I like it. I particularly like your ending. He learns the disgusting truth about this woman but keeps on eating. We groan with the revelation, at least I did. Presumably gluttony has blinded his ability to extrapolate.

Your piece attracted my attention because of the word "gluttony." I am sort of a nutrition activist. This is my 40th year living with diabetes, and nutrition is a big element of my own treatment. I follow science. One of the people I like is the writer Gary Taubes. He argues that obesity is not caused by gluttony and sloth but rather they are symptoms of getting obese. I'll just encourage you to investigate him. This review is about writing, not food.

I have a number of comments I hope you will find helpful. I do not know the purpose of this piece or where you are in its lifecycle. Please take my comments with a grain of salt.

Telling

You tell us most of this story. It's that old adage: "show, don't tell." The telling doesn't bother me, but it is what it is. If you want to turn this into a more literary story, then you'll need to turn it into scene-based prose with action and dialogue. I am not going to go into this aspect any more in this review. I'll just say that finding the narrative-scene balance is something we all strive for, and it is a very personal journey.

News Article

Honestly, I do not know how to include a newspaper article quotation like you did. I cannot tell you what you did wrong, only that it feels wrong to me. The headline font is way to large compared to the rest of the story's, and I doubt it should be in quotation marks like you have. Italics and no bold? I don't really know, and I cannot find references. :(

Punctuation

Generally your punctuation is great. You understand the basics and that in of itself is most refreshing. Some items you break rules with such as "Steak." you obviously understand. I am all for breaking rules, but I demand people know the rules first. I am a nerd that way ;)

In the line where you list the meats: "Roast Beef", "Rib-Eye", etc., you place your commas outside of the quotation marks. In America the standard is to place them inside the marks. Maybe you are British, but the piece is American; it refers to Texas and is about Texans. The commas go inside.

There are a couple of sentences with bad punctuation. Copy the piece into Word or some other word processing software. These issues speak more to your editing practices than your knowledge. I'll remind you with a quote I vaguely remember but not the author of it: "Good writing is one round of creative bliss followed by seven rounds of editing hell." Consider this reminder we all write bad prose and we need to edit vigilantly. Everybody!

Write On!



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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon




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7
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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey, I really enjoyed this story. You wrote it off the cuff, for fun, but isn't that the best writing?

You follow the required (in my head anyway) format of a story: objective, resistance, and outcome. The band of cast-offs wants to survive, a hoard of alien beetles is going to attack them, and then they all perish. The tension feels real, increases, becomes more intense as the battle unfolds, and the final act ends the chapter.

I like much that you have tried. You foreshadow the ending subtly with a few images of pistols and lots of mf'ing. You paint characters in a laissez-faire attitude which tells us subliminally they have already given up hope and are planning on going out with a bang. The times as headings is a nice touch. It keeps me grounded. Your onamonapia was fun. "Bloop" made me smile. Nice job!

A few things bothered me slightly. I feel there are too many named characters. This is not a novel; you don't have the luxury of spreading characters thin. I'd try to refine it some. A few places need unpacking -- more specifics and less generalization: "stockpile of weapons and ammo" and "a group of tired-eyed men" both stood out for me. This is very early. I felt you needed to stop and add a few more brush strokes to the picture. Be careful with participles. "Turning to her right, she lined up her sights on another body, and fired at it." is not possible. You cannot sight a gun on a stationary target while turning. In this sentence, turning to her right is simultaneous. Remember, beginning sentences with participles and gerunds can result in strange action.

Overall, I really enjoyed this. It does read like a first draft though, and my full marks go to publishing-ready pieces. I think you can easily get this there.

Great job!

John

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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
My review consists of two parts: my insights followed by a copy edit (after my signature). I focus on the words only. I give you my suggested corrections and maybe an idea or two of areas to investigate for your writing improvement. My rating represents readiness for publication.

Thoughts:

This is a short anecdote but could easily be lengthened into a sermon. You have some good points and interesting references. It is rather short. I feel the subject matter demands more. I encourage you to keep working on this piece.

Some Points:

The poetry reference was strange. It wasn't clear that Longfellow wrote the poem quoted. I didn't know if it was his or yours. I was also unclear about the first line. You seemed to imply that you did not know what Longfellow wrote and were guessing. In the end, I figured it was yours and the poem was Longfellow's. I reworded the linkage.

Also, the section of poem included is not the stanza that references the wind. There was a disconnect. I suspect you wanted the last stanza of the poem included for some other effect, so I included all three stanzas. Now the quotation is too long.
Option 1 -lengthen the piece
Option 2 -include 1st or 2nd stanzas only and dump your unknown effect
Option 3 - include only two stanzas, but that feels very wrong to me.

I then added the referred to line as the start of the next paragraph.

The parable needs explaining: why is it important? You can't just talk about it and move on.

You should probably explain why trusting God is good. You say he is, and you say it works for you, but is that all? Why should the reader simply accept your testimony? Do you have that authority? Explain why!

The ellipses are not needed here. Their use is rare, and to have two in a 303 word piece is a huge red flag. In both cases, the proper punctuation is a comma. I suspect you do not fully understand comma usage. In both cases, you try to join two independent clauses with ellipses followed by a conjunction, "... and." It is accepted convention that a comma and a conjunction (and, but, so, or, yet, for, nor or FANBOYS) are the appropriate punctuation.

The remainder of my edit is smoothing out bumps and activating a verb or two.

Conclusion:

You have the start of an interesting sermon. It does not quite stand up on its own and needs to at least be expanded upon in places. The poem reference needs addressing. And there was a bit of messy grammar. Otherwise this is a sharp, direct message.

Thank you for sharing it for review, and I hope we both learn something from this experience.

Write On!

John

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Into each life some wind must blow. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow echoed this sentiment in his poemThe Rainy Day: said something like that:


The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the mouldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the mouldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast,
And the days are dark and dreary.


Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.




The wind is never weary. It would be nice if we had a good, clear warning when a storm approached in our lives. in life was approaching. In the Bible, there is a parable about the storms coming and the house that is built on the rocks standing and weathering the storm while the house built on the sand fell.¶Dev

When the wind and rain hits your life, are you able to weather it?

It might be easier for all of us all if we were sent a divine message, such as "Severe Wind Advisory," but our common fate does not include a warning being prewarned of each impending disaster. So what are we to do?

We need to be prepared! no ¶ The storms of life will come, .x.x. and those who are prepared have a much better chance of coming through them relatively unscathed. Actually, In life, those who are prepared can not only weather the storms, but sometimes come out of them the storm better and stronger than when it started.

The best tool for dealing with the storms of life that I have found is: Ttrusting God. Whenever I have used this tool in relied upon God to deliver me through any storm of in my life, it has consistently produced positive results .x.x. and helped me deal with the wind and rain that has come my way.

And Remember, that there is always a severe wind advisory pending in your lifefuture. Since we can't get off the road of life, we need to be prepared to hunker down, trust God and weather the storm!

¶Dev=Paragraph not developed.
no ¶=No new paragraph needed.


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9
9
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
You've written an interesting piece with some interesting problems. Your words and ideas are not all consistent, and some ideas are unclear in a distracting way. You also have some punctuation issues. I don't get all strung out over punctuation, so I'll put those at the end.



It is pitch black. I feel lost, there is no color. Nothing really matters to me anymore anyway.

You open by telling us nothing matters, but then you jump into caring. This confuses me. Please tell me more about what doesn't matter anymore and why.

As I begin to move them, I discover I have legs.


I don't care for the pronoun "them" before you introduce it. Yes combined it does make sense, but when I initially read it, my mind had no idea what a them was and it got distracted. Such little distractions weaken prose a great deal. I'd simply switch it around: "I discover I have legs as I begin to move them."

So, at this point you've made a lot of assumptions you may not be aware of. If he doesn't know he is dead, would discovering legs be important? IS it something he'd even think about? If he does think he's dead, how does he know it? We have no information to know what he thinks or percieves and suddenly he finds he has legs. It's a big stretch for me. Fill in tehse blanks.


I was killed for murder.


Huh? I have no idea what this means. I was killed for ... money, revenge, spite -- these things I can picture -- but I was killed for murder? I think this needs clarifying.

my physical being was strapped to a chair. Which was also the reason I died.


These sentences say you died because you were strapped to a chair. Must have been tight knots.

I wish nothing more than to leave this depressing , colorless place,

Depressing? It might be better to write this earlier. Stating it as a casual phrase like this pulls my mind away and I begin wondering why it's depressing. Don't make us fill in these blanks.

but again, who am I to leave a place where I have been designated to go, I am just but a poor boy, I don’t need anyone’s sympathy. I might as well stay here. I remember I was young in my life, in my 20’s, and I threw it all away. I wish I could start over...
What was the point of being born at all, I am now just a shadow of what I was, what I could have been, all for that decision.


You are filling in gaps here:
- you've been designated to go here, but that means someone has made a decision and you know it. But so far you know nothing about this place.
- don't need anyone's sympathy suggests there might be other souls about. We haven't seen any yet.
- I might as well stay here. You haven't presented us with any options. Do you have a choice?
- I'm now just a shadow ... Can you see yourself?

surely this being can save me from this monstrosity!


Monstrosity typically refers to character. While your use is correct, I think, it still distracts me. I initially try to envision a person. Maybe you could reword it to clarify, perhaps "this monstrous place" or "this hell hole, this monstrosity." But really, you don't see much; it's basically all black. There is no sense of monstrousness.


And if, as to respond to my thoughts, if this make any sense, the colorless world got brighter,


I liked this. It raises our awareness of tension. It shines some hope on the situation but doesn't resolve it. As hitchcok says, "never let the bomb go off."

But, from now on, it’s anyway the wind blows...


This is a pretty abstract conclusion, and it doesn't appeal to me. I'd ponder it awhile and reword it. Or, set up some thing that tells us about wind, say always walked with the wind at his back or some other cliché ;) I guess I need something else to tie this line in.

Punctuation


I feel lost, there is no color. Technically a comma is not strong enough to join two independant clauses like this. Though it is done. I'd prefer you use "and" so it flows better.

I look up to the sky or what seems to be the sky and I feel a sense of hopefulness, maybe I am not dead. You should have a comma after sky. I prefer to omit them, but the sentences should be short when you do this, very related, and no subbordinate clauses attached. The maybe I am not dead is also independant and needs more than comma seperateion. I'd use a semicolon or a period.

I wake and everything comes back to me. This is another case of an omitted comma, but I approve of this one ;) A comma would slow it down. In formal writing, say a letter or report, add the comma.

I am dead, I was killed for murder. Again, the comma is not sufficient.

I remember my mother, she was there, and I can still remember her crying and not being able to do anything to comfort her, my physical being was strapped to a chair. I'll suggest you study punctuation. This is a mish-mash of many errors. I want to suggest you try re-qriting this using the "threes" structure -- three independant clauses separated by semicolons. It can be a powerful technique. It might flow like this.
I remember my mother; she was there; I can still remember her crying. I was unable to do anything to comfort her; my body was strapped to a chair.


I know I've thrown a lot at you, but much of it is repetetive. I see issues with clarity and sentence structure, but beyond that, I have very little to complain about. This piece is creative, contains tension, and ends in failure -- scenes should end in failure. Your errors are not unique -- we all make them, and we've all struggled through them. Please do not let me discourage you, and keep writing!

*Quill*WriteOn!

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10
10
Review of Dream State  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.0)
I think we both know what this is: an exercise in using large, abtruse words. I feel no imagery, no emotion, not rhyming, nothing I would consider inspirational, nothing I would call poetry.

I criticize this for what it is, but I understand what you are trying to do; I think. I do admire such explorations. I travel this same highway at times. The passion to understand words and use them to express idea is strong in me too. On one hand I say you need lots of work and on the other I say good work. I hope you know I am cheering for you, for all of us. These are wonderful exercises. The rating is for the words, not the effort. I give five stars for your endeavor.

I'll give you the one infallable piece of advice I know: read more poetry. Read as much as you dare. Search out abstract poets. Enjoy them and learn from them.

And above all,

*Quill*WriteOn!

John

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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Good stuff.

I attended a writing workshop recently, and the author/leader said she writes about her stories. She called it "circling." She wrote daily for a year, and when she began writing her novel, it only took her four months to complete it because she knew it so well.

I will not criticize your words. They are private, relate to your ideas and creativity, and refinement is important only to you.

I will criticize you for not writing enough. I want to see at least 750 words fill this page. And I want to see another 750 words tomorrow on something else, preferrably a character. Then I want to see 750 morewords every day after that. Write about generalities, specifics, character, setting, plot, theme, symbolism, voice, style, wording, tone. character again, and so on. Write, write, write. If you can write 750 words every day about your story, it will take off like you never imagined.

*Quill*WriteOn!

Good luck,

John

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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
I feel overwhelming emotion in this, understandably, but I honestly think the anger overrides the poetic. It reads like a rant, not an elegant elegy.

Your last lines kept me from shrugging this piece off completely.

And I still dream
And I still work damn hard to make my illusions reality.


This is the flavor and voice I wanted to hear throughout. You say so much in these lines. You make me feel pain and struggle without telling me what they are. That's what I want, poetry that absorbs me into your pain.

I hope you keep working at this piece. It might take a long time to get where I think it needs to be.

Above all,

*Quill*WriteOn!

John



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13
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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall I enjoyed your litle essay. Your voice sounds loud and true; you create some vivid imagery; and you make it real. I do think you need to rework it to take it to the next level. It reads very much as a work in progress, not at all ready for publishing.

Here are my suggestions. And please keep in mind, they are only suggestions.

Punctuation and syntax (sentence structure)

You have enough grammatical errors for me to raise it as an issue. I consider commas rather optional, but not in complex sentences. Here are a couple large sentences fraught with problems.

You should have
- a comma after basics;
- a colon or em dash after approaches to indicate a list;
- I hate serial commas, so I'd place one after strength;
- generally we want consistency, so I'd place a comma afterflexibility instead of the and. Flexibility and balance are unrelated enough. If you feel you need to combine words with an and, I'd prefer to see them at the end of a list, not the beginning. Long lists work best when the build from small to big, mundane to dramatic; and
- replace the comma after training with either a semicolon or period. What follows is a complete clause, not a fragment.

When boiled down to the basics you really are left with the core workout approaches, flexibility and balance, cardio, core strength and specific muscle group strength training, the branding and hype just represent a new business plan.


This is a "centered" compound-complex sentence, one of my favorite forms. It is two independant clauses joined in the middle with an incomplete clause. In these structures, the center clause is usually a "helicopter" clause -- you can remove it without changing the meaning of the sentence. However, they need specific punctuation. Commas are less optional.
- place a comma after really end
- place another comma after ends.
The comma seperated clause can be lived out or dropped back in. The second comma before the conjunction "and" seperates the two independant clauses.

The high school social dynamics never really end even after high school ends and many continue with the high school football jock persona or simply fake it later in life.


Voice and Word Choice

I hear your own voice in this. It's angry and synical. But I suspect you were hit with a bit of thesaurusitis. The word jocular feels contrived, and if you look it up, you'll discover it doesn't fit the tone of your piece at all and probably means something different from what you thought it meant. And if so, obviously you didn't use a thesaurus to find it.

But that whole sentence feels off. "Cross Fit is the latest proxy to fill that void " feels very abstract. I can't easily visualize what this means and is very distracting for me. It doesn't fit with your previously concrete imagery.

Other words and phrases also stand out, but not as much -- "high school social dynamics" and "a world of mediocrity and doldrums." I only say be careful and use abstraction sparingly.

Support

A bit of a credibility issue -- Cross Fit is a fad, yet there's nearly 5,000 affiliated gyms.

The piece is rather one sided. You don't discuss the positives. I'm left feeling like it's a shallow rant.

"They have the similar social flaw ..." This is a harsh, bold statement. Can you support it? I'm wondering if you should take a more meek stance. Maybe you could pose it as a question, a possibility based on an observation. Be sure when you take the high road.


Once again, a good start on something very powerful. Thank you for posting it.

*Quill*WriteOn!

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14
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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey,

Interesting collection. I'm going to simply throw out my various impressions. Take them as you will. I am only an amateur poet, so I will not comment on form or technique but only my impressions as a reader of poetry. Understand that I am probably not in your target audience. I am 52 years old, male, not particularly religious, and I write a lot, mostly novels. I prefer concrete images over abstract ones, and this flavors most of my commentary.

Autumn Sings

I believe it should read "Autumn comes in colors that shine in the sun rays¿"
Autumn
comes in colors
that shines in the sun rays

I like this piece. I think it's my favorite, but I live in a part of the world where colors dominate the autumn.

Coming Ashore
I detest "ing" words in prose and poetry, and of course I use them myself. They lead us into more abstraction than concreteness. I prefer stronger, more direct words.

Faith
Not a fan of this little prayer. It's too ... idyllic for me, I guess. We could discuss and debate endlessly, but this is my reaction, impression. Take it as you will.

River
I felt you could leave off the last line and it would be more powerful. Again, I think the ing words weaken it. Personally, I'd play with it again and try to make it stronger and more active, more concrete. But that's me.

Singing Free Style
This is a bit tedious, too abstract for me, yet it's attractive. I read it several times. "while leaves move" I think hooks me. It's concrete and anchors the whole poem.

Lady Of Cry
Love the title.
Concrete, active, poignant. I feel your voice in this piece. I feel more energy.

Quatrain Poem "He loves me kind"

Not a fan of this. "ly" words are worse than "ing" words in my world. They put me in a bad mood. Again, this is very abstract imagery: pain, thoughts, care, determination, loves, work, dedication, something, presence, gracious, pretend, jaded, nothing, faded, mine, his, worry, acting, kindness, dreary, kinder, nonsense, know, more, soul, told, yours, bore. Compare all of these abstract words with the one concrete word "road".

I don't dispute this word usage moves you and other people, but such words do not easily create vivid images. Yes, a whole school of poets loves abstraction, but John doesn't. I want to see images. I want to be captured by a world I can visualize. Some call it a male-female divide. Pfft. It's about word choices.


Thanks for putting your work out there. Keep at it and
*Quill*WriteOn!

John

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15
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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You write quite tersely and create very imaginative, concrete images. Your subject matter is very current, urban, and biting. There's a rawness to it that is almost paralyzing. This is what, three or more poems? A practice set? Keep working it. I will advise you to update its rating before the language police find you.

Overall I think it lacks a poetic sense. It feels more like a rant, like the poetry has been run over by a bulldozer. I have no issues witht the subject matter or language, but I'd rather you incorporate a lyrical voice of some sort. Can a ranting voice be lyrical? Why not. Find the flow.

You have some very interesting phrases that make this altogether worthwhile reading:

I'm here to peel the rotting meat from around your nightmares
Feed it back to you,
raw and clean and dipped in nutella.
...
Let you lick the cracks in my collarbones
Reflect your lust through my carpeted eyes


Thanks for posting this.

Write On!

John
16
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Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
You have provided a great list of technical rules for using commas. I will argue, though, that there are siutations where rules can be and maybe should be broken. Ernest Hemmingway is rather famous for omitting commas, and while arguing he may never be published today may have some legitimacy, I personally am glad he broke the rules.

I found while editing my current work that I too was breaking rules. It wasn't all intentional either. I wrote from character and that's the way it landed on the page. I think I do know most of the rules.

My main character is a painter, a retired art teacher now pursuing her dream to paint full time, more or less. There are bigger plot lines I won't discuss. She's a bit stressed and anxious. She may also be somewhat confused. She's an unreliable character. The result is sometimes fast talking or a loose stream of consciousness.

In my first example she talks about her past and her experiences teaching kids. In the second example she discusses painting a class portrait each year. In the first example, the second sentence reads more emphatically than the first because of the omitted splice. The second example omits the commas in the list and replaces the first with an and: this and this and that. It reads fast and hopefully imparts a sense of urgency and chaos.

You don’t get something for nothing, I told them. You give me your attention and I’ll give you a world to explore.

I painted an expressionist painting of my class, trying to focus on their one redeeming quality, which usually meant big happy faces; though many times I was tempted to paint what I really felt: a room full of demon possessed animals. I ignored all the negatives and painted the smiles and laughter and common interactions.

I'm not sure if you should include exceptions in this article or not. It was something I was searching for, though.
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Review of Pieces of her...  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting poem, or it should be, in my humble opinion. It reads like many free verse poems, it creates strong images -- Isee her reflected in the large eye of an Arabian horse -- and it reads with nice ryhthm.

Of course I have a few problems with it -- if I can't find problems, I will make them up.

One of them is the use of dashes. I really don't want to lecture you, so I'll give you a simple link. Read up on them and revisit both your and my usage. You'll be super-amazed at what you will learn. :_
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dash

You also have issues with the commas and semi-colons. Again, I won't point out all your errors, but there are many; some are very subtle. At least learn that complete sentences need to be separated by strong punctuation and include semicolon, period, colon, a comma with a conjunction, and coordinating conjunctions. Study them; practice them! Review my usage.
http://penningtonpublishing.com/blog/grammar_mecha...

You should never capitalize words for emphasis. It's a rank amateur move. Stop it.

Elipses indicate pauses or a lapse in time. Use them very rarely, if ever. It's another sine of weak writing.

Use consistent quotations. "Sometimes you use quoation marks," he said, and sometimes you use italics. Go with quotations for dialogue; it's a skill we all need work on.

Overall, I am really impressed with your writing; though not so much the grammar. I encourage you to keep working on this piece and consider turning it into a poem.

John

*Quill*WriteOn!
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18
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Review of Tesco: A Prayer  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you very much for posting this. You've left me with some lasting imahes; though I'm not so sure I want to see them.

Some of my favorites:

"As they swagger around in tracksuits
And drag behind them seven kids"

"Every isle it seems is full of scum
And the shelves empty of food
And I swear I’m being followed
By some one-eyed pervy dude"

I can't offer you any suggestions. I don't think such an urban poem is designed to catch stars. It's designed by the poet, for the poet. I suspect in your eyes it's a five star poem, and I can't argue much with that.

Well done!

*Quill*WriteOn!
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Review of An Old Flame  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey,

Interesting little story. I enjoyed it.

I appreciate you were restricted to a word count, so I'm ignoring a lot of elements I'd normally consider.

You drew me in to the little joke -- or was it a real pick-up attempt? -- and I looked forward to what would happen. The panic seemed logical enough and the end made me smile. You used some nice words like desultory and pillion. The only other time I recall ever reading pillion was in Stephen King's The Stand. I guess I'm not a biker guy.

There is some room for improvement. I'll simply point out some weaknesses. I won't make general conclusions on your needs as a writer from such a small sample of work.

"Coke" I ordered, scanning the room


Nope! People do not order cokes while scanning rooms. They are two separate actions that do not run parallel. "scanning the room" is a gerund, and this is a common mistake. All editors will slash it.

A lively place,the Kingsmen, with a large wooden statue of a battle-ready archer incongruously stationed over by the wall.

This isn't a complete sentence.

My eyes were drawn to one particular helmet.

This is a weak sentence. Try something stronger such as "One particular helmet drew my eyes to it."

Searching for inspiration my eyes alighted on the desultory archer.

This sentence confused me. I know it didn't bother you; because you knew what the archer was. That was two characters ago for me, and my mind had to drift back and figure it out. When I replace archer with statue, it becomes much more clear to me. Archer is a bit indirect and abstract; I look for an archer or a biker named archer. My mind became momentarily lost as I sorted the pieces.

There's a few more weak sentences I won't cover. I think you get a picture.

Overall good macro-elements, but the micro elements needed strengthening.

*Quill*WriteOn!
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20
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Review of Solitude  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey there,

Fairly well done. Such little ditties are fun to read and write.

You picked a good title for this inner reflection, and the words mostly match. I do have a couple of suggestions:

- try making it more abstract. Take out references to the poet such as "my" and "I". Try some versions from the third person perspective.

- I think your last section needs work. "Always I will be alone" and "Without you, this is just me" don't cut it. Please spend some time and search out something that flows better.

Keep up the good work!

John

*Quill*WriteOn!
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Review of Malice  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am truly torn about how to review this poem. It's not at all like I'd write it; I think some of the wording can be changed; and I think it can flow better. However, your final line is a bombshell. I kept waiting for surprise the whole poem, too little took place, then *wham*, you slugged my in the jaw.

I read it again out loud. It demands to be heard! Try it.

I loved these lines.
"I thought about a few times she said
something about hating my alarm clock
and the size of my bed.
"

John would do this:
- combine the first two stanzas
- remove the ly word Restrospectively. John mostly hates ly words.
- change "I could". It's clunky.

Great job, but I think there's some improvement to make.

John

*Quill*WriteOn!
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22
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Review of If I Died Today  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting poem. This little babies are difficult to get right. It may take a long time and maybe never.

I don't know if I can help you much. If you don't use rhyming aids, that might help. I use rhymezone.com.

A quick coverage of lines that bothered me:

The following line is a bit long. Is the word "still" necessary? It also refers to the Carole King song "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8KlYc0xG80
Would you still love me tomorrow?


The line below is too long. Can you simply say "Would you then try to understand me?" But then its pairing would be wrong. Maybe that's a good thing since it's too long as well.
Would you then try to understand who I am


This last line doesn't work for me at all, but I have no suggestions.
Forgive yourself for what you have become to be


Keep working at this!

John

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23
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Review of Money (chapter 1)  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I think this piece and some of the others I've read in your portfolio confirm my suspicions: you're a writer!

You're using some fairly advanced techniques here such as alliteration -- "prostitution and drug distribution" -- and rhyming -- "Oh money, if only all these people were as smart as i. Then, many people might not have had to die."

I have a few problems with this piece.

First, it's too short. You crammed a lot of information into a small space. Take your time, go slow, let your story build. A reader of a story wants to stay in it for a significant length of time. Thick novels sell well. Nobody will read 500 pages of pure action. We need to stretch things out, build slowly, create empathy, and draw the reader in.

The aspects I mentioned in my other review still stand, but this writing is much better. You show your action well. You do not tell the story. Most writers struggle with these ideas. This piece suggests a level of knowledge and ability not as apparent in your other piece. This suggests you took more time with this one or maybe the ideas came easier. I think if I have to pick out one area to work on, it's editing. Take your time, re-read your work, and work on crafting it. Ask yourself hard questions: "do I like it?" and "does this make sense?"

Keep writing!

*Quill*WriteOn!
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Review of Of Water  Open in new Window.
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Overall I enjoyed this poem. It created some fine images and you used some interesting metaphors. The cool liquid is salvation is a simple yet powerful metaphor.

I wonder about the structure you chose. You used three more-or-less equal stanzas, but the first two are aimed at the same question: "What you know of water". May I suggest trying two stanzas, one long and one short?

The only line that really bothers me is the one ending in elipses: The silvery drops, the crystal drops... I know you are trying to create a pause, make the reader think about silver, crystal, treasured drops then rename them as God's touch, but I don't feel it works well. The pause is clunky.

I will also question the use of capitals on every line, but that's totally our call. It's my job to bend to the poet, not the other way around. Still, I thought it might flow better without caps and perhaps added punctuation.

I enjoyed this piece, even with the dark ending, and in the future, it will make me pause and consider the impact of raindrops on my body and soul.

*Quill*WriteOn!

John

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25
25
Review by Power Unit Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for this inspirational guide. I bet many writers can relate to this person. I certainly can. It's me to a tee!

This is a quick review. Your grammar is generally good. There's a few complicated structures that you should research: "Undependable never! " Many fragments like this don't read very well. The ideas are great, but the smithing needs refinement.

I like how you divided it into sections. This is probably not appropriate for an article this short, but it really helps the reader along. I think for a publishable article with headings, you need more words per section. Add examples and expand on the discussion. I don't think that's where you were going, but you could.

Overall it flowed and felt tight, even with the grammar snagglets. I felt the passion, and I felt inspired.

Good job!

John
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