Ok this is for your husband right? Go into more detail as to why you love him. Go into detail about Everything you love about the way he looks, moves, sounds.... get sensory. I like the idea of this poem. The emotion is pretty raw. But poetry isn't just about emotion. It's about beauty. Paint a picture with the words.
Although slightly more than slightly chauvanistic, this piece was funny. You should have went into more detail with what the girls were doing rather than what it made you feel. That should have been a side note. I would have also put in there exactly what guys think happen at slumber parties. And on a side note, there are pillow fights sometimes. And sometimes makeout contests. We just dont let guys know it.
This was obviously raw emotion. The emotion is great, but sometimes you have to put rationalization with it to make sense. There's a lot of gramatical errors. I didn't find spelling errors, but there are things that could be done to make it flow better.
Let’s step back from THE anger, THE hurt and rejection.
Instead LET'S build A bridge AND make a connection.
Stand fast together and make sure each supports
Feelings,AND GIVE respect for EACH other’s thoughts.
Put peace and sharing above envy and greed.
Put failure out of sight FOR progress to succeed.
Accept the truth AND allow for the other’s needs,
Listen to my heart, words drop like love’s seeds.
First let me say that I totally agree with you. You're the first person I found that felt the same way.
Second your vocabulary is astounding. Your grammar usage is great. The description is beautiful. You should send it in to reader's digest. Honestly.
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