Your story is very gripping, that is for sure. Having the first person kind of view is not all that easy to come by these days. Most people look for third person views rather than trying to see things through your eyes. It is apparent that you can see very well what you are writing.
Although, it is very good, there are a couple of things that you could work on. Descriptions could be used better. Describing the smells, and any sounds that may be around in the background (you did the sounds pretty well though, don't get me wrong). Now the second things that I can suggest is taking the two chapters here, and combining them into one. They are kind of short, and could easily be combined to create one longer chapter.
All I can really say is keep it up! And don't give up on this story.
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