This is a good exersise in imagry. Although you could have made the thoughts flow more freely between the flashbacks and the present. Tie them in more, make them flow so you know you are still in the present of the story. A couple of times I found myself thinking that the story had changed.
Give the boy a name. People want to align themselves with the person that plays the main character. I felt for the "boy" a little but I would have been more interested if he had a name.
You also need to give me some more backstory. Even if it is just a few paragraphs. Lead me into to the seconds that he has. Remember, in a story a few seconds can take on chapters if you tell it right.
Let me know more about the character and I can give you more of a rating. As it is, it is good but it could be great!!! MAKE ME WANT TO SEE THE BOY LIVE!!! (but dont let him.. makes for good writing when the hero dies)
My best rating yet! I like this little story. I like it very much. Like my other review I would like to get to know about the relationship between the cat and also the grandfather. However, I do feel that after a slightly bumpy begining this turned out to be one of the little glimpses into a life that was very nice.
How about combigning this story into the porch story and making the boy the same character?
Im not sure what to make of this story. I guess it was just prose. But good prose. Hmm... I liked it but didnt like it. The negativity kept it from getting a 3.5 but the end earned it a 3. I am able to understand the concept but I think the thing that it needs the most is an understandable and coherent beggining. Yes, A coherent and understandable begining. Dont yank me into the story, lead me..
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/paulgnewton
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:26pm on Nov 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
