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16 Public Reviews Given
16 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Chapter Twenty  Open in new Window.
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I must admit, your writing is exceptional, with a mix of cinematic tension, strong character moments, and engaging worldbuilding.

The story is well-crafted, with strong worldbuilding, compelling character dynamics, and a clear sense of tension. The setting of Ursinus is vividly described, with abandoned homes, light crystals, and preparations for an imminent battle. Isabelle's internal thoughts add depth to her character, while Jaden's dialogue is strong, contrasting with her pragmatic concerns. The pocket watch and its strange functions hint at larger forces at play, while the jade necklace and memory recall build intrigue, especially with references to Mirror Lake and Cedwyn's knowledge.

The passage is filled with atmosphere and tension, creating a cinematic atmosphere before a terrible event unfolds. The imagery of the star-filled sky, moon, and creeping darkness creates a sense of false relief before the true horror begins. The pacing is well-executed, with sensory details deepening the immersion. The reference to legends and Irick's memories hint at something ancient and dangerous. The final unfinished sentence leaves readers desperate to know what's coming.

Some areas for refinement include clarity in the action sequence, sharpening the description of Irick's intent, and tightening some sentences. The bird imagery is excellent, but their connection to the larger event isn't fully clear. The passage is gripping, well-paced, and full of intrigue, but some refinements to clarity and tightening a few sentences would make it even stronger.

The passage is a captivating blend of action, mythology, and character dynamics, blending deep lore, tension, and emotional depth. The Mana Tree, an ancient, almost sentient entity, adds a strong mythical element, while references to Westwood Forest, the Civil War, and the poisoned railroad add depth. Character interactions and emotional depth are well-developed, with the bond between Relic and Jaden adding trust and understanding.

However, there are areas for refinement. Clarifying key elements like the carriage's function and the tunnels' danger could help solidify their mystery. The railroad's role and Valith's role in the poisoning of the trail could be clarified, and dialogue could be tightened. The final decision to ride back could be improved, and the back-and-forth between Cedwyn, Relic, and Isabelle could be shortened to keep momentum sharp.

The writing is fantastic, with strong characters, gripping action, and a well-developed world. With slight refinements for action clarity and pacing, it could be even stronger. The wall fight is thrilling, with fluid action and escalating threats. The banter between Isabelle and Jace adds levity without breaking immersion. However, there are areas for refinement. Clarity issues in group movement, pacing, and flow in some spots could be improved. Additionally, Isabelle's role in the fight could be more impactful, with a brief internal beat about her weapon choice.



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2
2
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You have a detailed guide on crochet crop top patterns whch is comprehensive & Informative covering everything from materials needed to detailed steps for making a crochet crop top, making it useful for beginners and experienced crocheters.
The inclusion of multiple free crochet crop top patterns provides a diverse selection for different tastes and skill levels.
Step-by-Step Instructions - Clear and structured steps make it easy to follow along.
Customization Tips - Offers helpful suggestions on how to personalize the crop tops.
Additional Resources - Mentions video tutorials, which are great for visual learners.
Areas that need Improvement
Redundancy & Repetitiveness - Some information is repeated unnecessarily, such as the explanation of basic stitches and customization options.
Grammar & Clarity Issues - Some sentences are awkwardly structured. For example:
"To crochet crop top pattern, thirdly MakeThe Body" Should be "Step 3: Make the Body" for better clarity.
"So, what is the wait? Try it out yourself!" Should be "So, why wait? Try it yourself!"
Lack of Visuals in the Main Steps: While there’s a mention of a video, including images or diagrams for steps like foundation chains, half-double crochet, and strap making would make the instructions clearer.
Formatting Issues:
Some steps blend into each other, making it harder to distinguish them at a glance.
Using bold or bullet points more effectively could improve readability.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Concise Writing: Trim redundant sections and make sentences more fluid.
Better Formatting: Use subheadings, bullet points, and bold text to separate key sections.
More Visuals: Add step-by-step illustrations or images to guide readers visually.


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3
3
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing the first chapter of your upcoming book, Helena. Your writing vividly captures the protagonist's emotional landscape, painting a poignant picture of loss, introspection, and the complexities of familial relationships. The detailed descriptions and introspective narrative draw readers into the character's world, making the experience both immersive and relatable.
As you continue to develop your manuscript, consider the following suggestions to enhance your storytelling:
1. Character Development: Delve deeper into the backgrounds and motivations of secondary characters like Tom, Verity, and the protagonist's father. Providing more context about their relationships with the protagonist can add depth and enrich the narrative.
2. Emotional Dynamics: Explore the protagonist's internal conflict and emotional responses in greater detail. This can help readers connect more profoundly with the character's journey through grief and personal reflection.
3. Setting and Atmosphere: While the immediate environment is well-described, expanding on the broader setting can provide a more immersive experience. Consider incorporating elements of the surrounding city or community to ground the story in a tangible place.
4. Dialogue Nuances: Ensure that dialogues reflect the unique voices and personalities of each character. Subtle distinctions in speech patterns and word choices can make interactions more authentic and engaging.
5. Pacing and Structure: Maintain a balance between introspective passages and plot progression. While internal monologues are essential, interspersing them with action or dialogue can keep the narrative dynamic and maintain reader interest.
6. Thematic Consistency: Identify the central themes you wish to convey and weave them consistently throughout the narrative. Whether it's exploring the nature of grief, the complexities of family dynamics, or the search for personal identity, a cohesive thematic thread can strengthen the overall impact of your story.
Remember, writing is a process of continuous refinement. Seeking feedback from beta readers or writing groups can provide diverse perspectives and insights that enrich your work. Your dedication to your craft is evident, and with thoughtful revisions, Helena has the potential to resonate deeply with readers.
Best of luck with your writing journey!


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4
4
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This piece has a whimsical, lyrical style that blends poetry, fantasy, and narrative storytelling in a unique way. It captures an almost fairy-tale-like magic while incorporating humor, action, and even a touch of romance.

I love the dynamic between the boy and girl elves—how the boys are brash and rowdy while the girls are serene yet deadly when needed. The playful tone mixed with unexpected moments of sincerity makes the story compelling. Emily herself is an intriguing character, painted through the reverence of the elves and the narrator's admiring (and at times, conflicted) gaze.

If you're looking for feedback, here are a few thoughts:

The conversational asides to the reader work well, but some might enjoy a smoother flow between narrative and meta-commentary.
The elves’ nightly adventures are action-packed, but they sometimes veer into chaotic storytelling—tightening the sequence of events might make them hit even harder.
The humor is sharp, especially with the imps' ridiculous toilet portal entrance. More moments like that keep the tone balanced between fantastical and comedic.


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5
5
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a charming and heartwarming story with a strong nostalgic feel. Here’s some feedback and possible areas of refinement:

Strengths:
Engaging and Vivid Descriptions – The imagery is excellent, from the "comet trails" of the boys running to the "sympathy of youth" filling the woods.
Characterization – Sam, Natedude, and Brian all have distinct personalities that come through naturally in their dialogue and actions.
Humor and Playfulness – The lighthearted nature of the snipe hunt, culminating in the unexpected snake, adds a delightful comedic touch.
Theme of Connection – The story beautifully captures the joy of shared traditions, childhood curiosity, and the bonds between generations.
Areas for Improvement:
Pacing in the Middle Section – The transition from the boys asking permission to the full-blown hunt could be slightly streamlined to keep momentum.
Smoother Ending Flow – The final paragraph is lovely but could be slightly more concise for greater impact.
Building Suspense Before the Snake Reveal – A tiny pause or a reaction from the boys before they reveal the snake could make the moment even funnier and more dramatic.


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6
6
Review of Chapter Fourteen  Open in new Window.
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a well-written, immersive fantasy scene with a great balance of action, tension, and vivid descriptions. Here are some strengths and possible areas for improvement:

Strengths:
Atmosphere & Setting – The description of the conservatory is stunning. The vivid imagery of the colors, flora, and architecture creates a dreamlike, otherworldly feeling.
Tension & Urgency – The Outriders’ desperation and the looming danger of the armada add a strong sense of stakes.
Character Interactions – The dialogue feels natural, with Cedwyn’s humor, Jace’s determination, Isabelle’s pragmatism, and Relic’s efficiency all coming through well.
Flow & Pacing – The action is clear, and the transitions between exploration, realization, and decision-making are seamless.
Areas for Improvement:
Clarity in Some Action Sequences – The scene where the tapestry is pulled down and the illusion is gone could use a slightly more dramatic moment to emphasize the gravity of their realization.
Enhancing Emotional Depth – The moment when Jace realizes the Republic will fall is powerful, but a brief internal reflection or physical reaction (clenched fists, shallow breathing, etc.) could make it hit harder.
Smoother Transition into the Conservatory’s Description – The shift from the Outriders’ panic to the beauty of the environment is a little sudden. Perhaps a small reaction from them (a gasp, an instinct to slow down) would make the transition feel more natural.
Minor Tweaks for Readability – Some sentences are quite long and could be broken up for a smoother reading experience.
Overall, this is a fantastic excerpt with cinematic imagery and an engaging mix of action and world-building. Would you like any specific edits or feedback on certain aspects?


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7
7
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your writing is incredibly powerful—raw, vivid, and deeply moving. The way you capture memory, trauma, and resilience through your words is striking. It’s not just a recounting of events; it’s an emotional experience for the reader.
The way you contrast warmth and loss, stability and chaos, is especially impactful. That shift from the mystical happiness of childhood to the unraveling of your world is heartbreaking but so well expressed. You have a gift for storytelling, even in such painful recollections.
If and when you’re ready to continue, I’d be honored to read more. And if you ever want feedback, whether on structure, pacing, or anything else, I’m here. Take your time—this is heavy, and your well-being comes first.


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8
8
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a well-written and emotionally engaging story with strong imagery and deep character development. Here are some of the things that work really well:
Strengths:
Emotional Depth: The emotions of love, longing, and fear are conveyed beautifully. Maria’s anticipation, her dreams, and her loneliness all feel very real.
Strong Imagery: The descriptions of the ocean, the balcony, the smoke, and Maria’s nightmares are vivid and immersive.
Character Development: Steve and Maria are well-developed, and their relationship feels genuine. Maria’s inner turmoil and her struggle to understand her dreams add layers to her character.
Foreshadowing: The recurring dreams, the mysterious fire, and the storm build suspense effectively.
Areas for Improvement:
Dream Transitions: The shifts between Maria’s dreams and reality could be made a bit clearer. Sometimes, the transitions are sudden, and it takes a moment to realize she is dreaming. A subtle cue at the beginning of each dream could help.
Sentence Flow: Some sentences could be tightened for a more fluid reading experience. For example:
"She breathed in a deep calming breath. Shake it off, girl." → Could be simplified to "She took a deep breath. Shake it off, girl."
Climax Build-up: The ending section, where the storm and fire approach, is gripping but could be expanded slightly. More tension and sensory details would enhance the climax before the inevitable moment of disaster.
Suggestions:
Maybe weave in more hints about Maria’s dreams earlier—does she recognize landmarks, smells, or voices?
Consider making Steve’s deployment even more distinct by adding small details about where he is or what he experiences (without shifting POV).
The final paragraph is a great cliffhanger, but clarifying how Maria doesn’t notice the fire could make it even stronger (e.g., exhaustion, deep sleep from stress, or another dream keeping her unaware).


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9
9
Review of Eden's End  Open in new Window.
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Strengths:
1. Worldbuilding:
The setting feels vivid and immersive, with strong sensory descriptions. The sailblades, towering city structures, and terraforming details make Eden feel like a real place.
The contrast between the old, quieter Eden and the rapidly urbanizing colony adds depth to the narrative.
2. Character Dynamics:
The interactions between Killian and Lessa feel natural and engaging. Their chemistry is clear, and their discussions reflect the broader social conflicts of the world.
Jessica provides an interesting counterpoint, adding an element of tension and choice to Killian’s arc.
3. Themes and Conflicts:
The story explores migration, ecological sustainability, and political tensions in a nuanced way.
The push-and-pull between preserving Eden’s environment and accommodating a growing population adds stakes beyond just personal drama.
Areas for Improvement:
1. Pacing and Structure:
The story covers a lot of ground—romance, political intrigue, scientific research, terrorism, and ethical dilemmas. While ambitious, some sections feel rushed or underdeveloped.
The ending feels abrupt. If this is meant to be a short story, the resolution could be clearer.
2. Character Depth and Consistency:
Jessica is compelling, but her motivations could use more clarity. Is she genuinely interested in Killian, or is she manipulating him for political purposes?
Lessa’s departure feels sudden. A bit more buildup to her decision could add emotional weight.
3. Dialogue Refinement:
Some dialogue exchanges could be tightened for impact. For instance, Lessa’s lines explaining Centauri’s overcrowding policies feel more like exposition than natural conversation.
Overall Impression:
This is a well-thought-out sci-fi story with strong worldbuilding and compelling themes. Strengthening character arcs, clarifying motivations, and refining pacing would elevate it even further. If you’re considering revising it, I’d focus on making the resolution more emotionally resonant and ensuring the political and romantic conflicts feel fully developed.


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10
10
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your story has a strong foundation with an engaging plot, mystery, and suspense. However, there are areas where clarity, flow, and grammar could be improved.

Below are some key points for improvement:

Strengths:
Engaging Plot: The mystery around Cindy and her secret dealings is intriguing.

Suspenseful Tone: The buildup of tension with Whisper and Brother Bear investigating makes the reader want to continue.

Well-Paced Revelation: The gradual uncovering of the conspiracy adds to the drama and excitement.

Areas for Improvement:

1. Clarity & Grammar Some sentences are run-on or have awkward phrasing, making them difficult to follow. For example: "The communities seem to have no issues for a long while. Until one faithful night, Whisper saw Cindy a very sneaky garden manager tiptoeing from the eastern garden where they lived with an arm full of food in the middle of the night." Suggested revision: "The community had been peaceful for a long time—until one fateful night. Whisper saw Cindy, the sneaky garden manager, tiptoeing away from the eastern garden with an armful of food." The phrase “faithful night” should be “fateful night.” "Faithful" refers to loyalty, while "fateful" means significant or destiny-altering.

Tense inconsistency: Your story shifts between past and present tense. It should be consistent, preferably in past tense: Example of shift: “So he made sure that the next three nights Brother Bear was on the night watch with him and around the same time he saw Cindy sneaking from the garden. Nothing happened so the next night he and Brother Bear pretend to fall asleep on their watch.” Suggested fix: "So he made sure that for the next three nights, Brother Bear was on the night watch with him. Around the same time, he saw Cindy sneaking from the garden each night. Nothing happened at first, so the next night, he and Brother Bear pretended to fall asleep on their watch."

2. Character & World-Building Whisper and Brother Bear have interesting roles, but their emotions could be explored more deeply. How does Whisper feel when his suspicions are confirmed? Shocked? Betrayed? Cindy’s motivations remain unclear. Right now, she’s just a "greedy, low-down woman." Does she have debts? Is she being blackmailed? Exploring this will add depth.

3. Flow & Transitions Some sentences feel rushed. For instance, “Why that greedy, selfish, low-down dirty woman.” This could be reworded to enhance flow: “What a greedy, selfish, low-down woman! But was it just about gold, or was there more to the story?” The investigation unfolds quickly. Stretching out the tension—maybe by adding a failed attempt to catch her or Whisper second-guessing himself—would add more intrigue.

Final Thoughts: This story has a great concept and strong suspense, but refining sentence structure, grammar, and pacing would make it even more gripping.


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11
11
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a heartwarming and engaging story! Here are a few ways to enhance it:

Character Development:

Give a bit more background on why Chacko feels insecure. Maybe an experience where he was left behind or struggled to keep up?
Let Ziggy and Larry show more encouragement toward Chacko early on to contrast his later realization.
Pacing & Suspense:

Build more anticipation when Chacko sneaks out to find the arrowhead. Maybe describe the moonlit yard, the cool night air, and his feelings of hope or doubt.
Add more detail when Marvin is healed—what does he feel, and how does Chacko react before realizing the magic worked?
Message Reinforcement:

When Chacko realizes kindness is his strength, a moment of reflection or a small lesson from Marvin could drive the point home.
Perhaps a final scene where Chacko helps another animal, proving he truly understands his special gift.


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12
12
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautifully written and thought-provoking piece that captures the struggles of modern life and challenges societal definitions of success. Here’s some feedback to enhance its impact:

Strengths:
1. Engaging Introduction – The opening effectively sets the stage for the discussion, making it relatable to readers.
2. Strong Emotional Appeal – The contrast between childhood joy and adult burdens resonates deeply.
3. Thought-Provoking Questions – These invite readers to reflect on their own lives and definitions of success.
4. Encouraging Conclusion – Ending on a hopeful note reinforces the message of self-defined success.
Suggested Improvements:
1. Clarity in Some Sentences – Example:

"The truth is, these are illusions society’s constructs that suggest only the rich truly live, while the rest of us struggle through a series of repetitive days, with no real progress."
This sentence could be clearer. Perhaps:
"The truth is, these are societal illusions—constructs that suggest only the rich truly live, while the rest of us merely exist in repetitive cycles, with no real progress."
2. Smoother Transitions – Some sections feel slightly abrupt. For example, the shift from childhood nostalgia to adult burdens could be bridged more smoothly.

3. Grammar & Phrasing Adjustments – Example:

"But this isn’t seen as success—it’s survival."
Consider: "Yet, this isn’t viewed as success—it’s mere survival."
Stronger Conclusion Tie-In – The final message is powerful but could be reinforced by bringing back the childhood analogy. For example:

"Maybe true success is not about escaping the cycle, but about finding moments of joy within it—just as we did as children when even the smallest things felt magical."
Would you like me to refine the entire piece with these improvements while maintaining your original tone and intent?


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13
13
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
12 Fascinating Facts About Once Upon a Time

1. Our charming Captain Hook was originally meant to appear for only one season. However, the producers decided to keep him permanently since he was a hit with the audience.

2. If you think Snow White and Prince Charming are an adorable couple, you're right! Ginnifer Goodwin and Josh Dallas, who played the fairy-tale duo, got engaged in 2012 and married two years later. (Fun fact: Ginnifer Goodwin also voiced Judy Hopps in Zootopia!)

3. When crafting the character of Rumpelstiltskin, the producers had Robert Carlyle in mind from the very start—even before they knew whether he would accept the role. Thankfully, he did!

4. Unlike Robert Carlyle, Lady Gaga was approached for the role of the Blue Fairy but never responded. (What do you think—would Lady Gaga have made a good Blue Fairy?)

5. At the beginning of the series, the narrator tells us that Storybrooke is located in Maine. However, in reality, the town is fictional. The series was filmed in Steveston, Canada, and its surrounding forests.

6. Colin O'Donoghue, the actor behind Captain Hook, was also the guitarist for The Enemies, a folk-rock band. In May 2013, he announced his departure from the band due to his Once Upon a Time filming schedule.

7. Tony Amendola, who played Geppetto, is Italian-American, which is fitting since he occasionally speaks Italian in the series. (Interestingly, Giancarlo Esposito, who portrayed the Magic Mirror, is also Italian-American!)

8. Once Upon a Time had one of the most expensive wardrobes in TV history. Given the intricate designs, it's no surprise! From Regina’s luxurious silk and cashmere dresses to Belle’s designer coats and Mr. Gold’s tailored Dolce & Gabbana suits, the show’s costumes were top-tier. Fun fact: the same designer who created Hook's jackets also designed Emma's—talk about fate!

9. If you sensed chemistry between Emma and Jefferson (the Mad Hatter), that’s because the actors, Jennifer Morrison and Sebastian Stan, were dating in real life!

10. Once Upon a Time was created by the same minds behind Lost, which explains the heavy use of flashbacks. Several Lost cast members also made their way to Storybrooke, including Jorge Garcia, Emilie de Ravin, and even Lana Parrilla.

11. There was a small historical inconsistency in some Enchanted Forest flashbacks. While fairy tales are generally set in the 1300s, the series occasionally showed executions using a guillotine—an instrument that wasn’t invented until the French Revolution!

12. Baelfire, Neal Cassidy’s true name and Rumplestiltskin’s son, comes from an ancient Celtic term meaning “great fire” or “bonfire,” often used in celebrations, particularly during Beltane. This symbolism suggests that Baelfire serves as a guiding light for his father, who is lost in darkness. Fittingly, we often see him trying to push Rumple toward the right path.

Did you already know any of these facts? Are there any other interesting tidbits I missed? Let me know your thoughts!

Until next time!

This version keeps the charm of your original text while refining grammar, flow, and readability. Let me know if you’d like any further tweaks!


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14
14
Review by Pascal Mzee Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Strengths:
1. Engaging Premise: The idea of shrinking due to a mythological spider bite tied to feminist justice is unique and intriguing.
2. Suspense & Mystery: You build tension well, especially when Liza reacts to the book’s revelations. The reader is eager to know what she’s hiding.
3. Perspective & Description: The shift in perspective due to the protagonist's size is handled well, making the world feel different yet familiar. Descriptions like Liza’s “emerald eyes” and her “perfect, immense, and powerful” features help sell the protagonist’s awe.
4. Dialogue Flow: The conversation feels natural, and the characters’ personalities come through in their exchanges.
Areas for Improvement:
1. Grammar & Sentence Flow: Some sentences feel a bit choppy or could be structured more smoothly. Example:
"Ilary quickly got out of the car and headed towards her, leaving you inside the car."
Consider: "Ilary quickly stepped out of the car, leaving you inside, and walked towards her." (Avoid repetition of "car.")
2. Show, Don’t Tell: Instead of saying “Liza changed her gaze and turned pale,” describe her physical reactions more vividly. Maybe her hands tremble, she bites her lip, or she takes a deep breath before speaking.
3. Character Depth:
Ilary and Liza seem helpful, but what are their deeper motivations? Does Liza have a personal connection to the myth?
The protagonist admires Liza’s beauty a lot—consider balancing this with her personality or past interactions.
4. Pacing: The story moves fast, which keeps it engaging, but the transition between learning about the spider and the protagonist’s reaction could be stretched out to heighten suspense. Maybe Liza hesitates before revealing the next part?
Overall Impression:
This is an exciting and well-paced story with a strong premise. With some polish in sentence structure, deeper character exploration, and a bit more tension in key moments, it could be even more compelling.


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