The title was the first aspect that struck me. Good choice. I enjoyed reading this poem, especially as some one who has had panic attacks and can therfor relate. Your use of poetry gives a wonderful sense of rhythmn to the poem and you have created some particularly strong images.
My favourite line/s:
The third stanza.
My suggestions:
Some times the rhymning feels a bit forced. I'd perhaps reread it out load and check it again. Especially the line "this thing is very statanic." Keep Satanic just try something else.
Overall:
A great poem. I hope you continue to write and enjoy your time on WDC!
Hi Stan, sorry it's taken me so long to get around to reviewing your work, I read it when it first went up on the team africa forum but didn't have a chance to review it so I am now.
My thoughts: This poem deserves every star I gave it. It is wonderful and took me right back to africa! The rhytmn and rhyme, your vivid descriptions, they all work together to produce a sensational piece of work. I can't wait to see how this does in PWW!
My favourite line/s:
"The gentle breeze left me composed;
unseen tendrils lightly licking caressing,"
"With its tender root into hard baked crust,
deep into the core of the ant hills,
not disturbing the nest with its thrust."
My suggestions: None at all!
Overall: This is a wonderful poem, well written, that made me incredibly home sick!
e:note1}My thoughts: This poem is amazing and deserves the five stars I have given it. I was moved by your description of a marriage falling apart and loved your imagery. I also really enjoyed your rhyme scheme - very clever- and the progression of the poem from the beginning of the relationship to the end.
My favourite line/s:
"And so the wall between us grew.
We each held tight to what we knew."
"Souls reconnect, there once we flew.
I'll dream this High.Way back to you."
My thoughts: What a wonderful, clever poem! I loved it! I wasn't expecting a poem about adultery and it's nice that you can make light hearted of something that is usually quite serious! The rhyming adds to it nicely and makes it even funnier.
My favourite line/s:
"Have you lately stole a look
Does your carpet match the curtains?"
"Nevermind you found it
On my undies doing laundry"
"But trying to make two women happy
I can’t pay child support!"
My suggestions: There's only one small thing in the last line onf the fifth stanza "especially not on you" might sound smoother than "especially on you."
Overall: This is a fantastic poem that made me laugh out loud and has also attracted me to look deeper into your portfolio.
Thanks for sharing Ravenwand, and congrats on being one of 2008's Rising Stars.
My thoughts: After reading the title I was not expecting a poem along these lines but was pleasantly surprised by it none the less. For your first attempt at writing without rhymne I think you've done a wonderful job!
The poem itself is both sensual and passionate and evokes some delicious, if rather naughty, images. It's long but not monotonous.
My favourite line/s:
"With the gentle stroke of an artist’s hand"
"Brilliant as the blazing red sunset"
"A prelude to unceasing depths of bliss"
My suggestions: None really, it's good.
Overall: A soundly written piece of poetry that captures the reader's imagination and takes them on a sexy journey.
My thoughts: This is wonderful! What a clever idea to write about the scribblings on bathrooms walls. You do it really well too and the poem is well written with a genuine understandig of rhyme and rhythmn.
My favourite line/s:
"love brief enough to be erased"
My suggestions: None really it's lovely although the rhyme seems to get weeker near the end. However that's just me.
Overall: A smart, witty an well written poem that presents a new, refreshing view on love.
My thoughts: A beautiful poem that is melancholic at the same time. It has om lovely imagery throuh out the poem especially in the first and final stanza.
My favourite line/s:
"A boy runs, a puppy gives chase.
An old man sits to watch the race."
My suggestions: In the second stanza in the secon line "hear" should be spelt "here."
Overall: A well written poem with only one noticable spelling error. However I think that it could flow more perhaps with a bit more editing. I think this could easily be a four. Thanks for for sharing!
I say this to every preffered author when I get up the courage to review them and that is that I do not usually review them because it's quite intimidating to be honest. But I started reading your "Dear Me" submission to see how the pro's were doing it and once I was in I was in!
In general: Your dry, slightly self deprecating sense of humour is hilarious and I laughed though out your letter. I love how you scold yourself for not returning reviews and being stingy whith your gift points. How wonderfully refreshing and honest.
Some of my favourite lines:
"I know your education is woefully lacking since you don’t know the difference between a sonnet and a ghazal, but that’s why we have Google."
"I am proud of you for attempting something Mum would scold you for writing if she were still with us."
"You are in a rut, Judity, which is a death knell for a writer. "
My suggestions: None. It's great. Honestly.
Thanks so muxh sharing this piece. It was inspirng and a fun, light hearted read. Goodluck with the contest!
This is probably one of the best poems I have read for a long time on writing.com. For a newbie this is simply exceptional. I love the idea of comparing yourself to a fly. It's such a happy, whimsical poem. Your rhythmn and rhyme are flawless and you drew me in a kept me enthralled through out.
My favourite line: "For I dance, And drink and sing,"
Thank you so much for sharing and keep it up because clearly you have a talent!
PS: You should think of entering WDC Rising Stars!
This is fantastic! Are you writing a haiku? Because if you are this really is wonderful. Haiku's are perhaps my favourite genre. They can be incredibly powerful. Your poem is short and to the point but it get's across the idea and the image. Congratulations this is something to be proud of!
This is incredibly moving and while many may not be able to relate I thgink you've created an image people will be able to feel. I am so very sorry that you had to experience something that must have been incredibly emotional.
Other than that the poem itself is beautifully and poignently written. Thank you for sharing and keep it up!
Nicely done! For a newbie I am sufficiently impressed. I, personally, am terrified of acrostic poetry and wouldn't dare to try it. However you have done a wonderful job and I loved reading this poem. Your final line is perticularly poignent. Thanks for sharing and keep it up!
This poem is hilarious especially the final stanza about nature making you prehensile. I would never have been able to find a word that rhymes with untensil. The poem itself is well written and shows a lot of skill to be using such a meter. I will be looking at salmon with a new eye the next time I eat it.
This is lovely! I clicked on the children's genre as a whim and now I'm so glad I did. I was transported to that magical world children's stories take you to, if they are good, which yours clearly is. I can definitely imagine it as a childrens book, especially a picture book as the images your create about Mr Farmer chasing the piglet are quite amusing.
Definitely an interesting poem. I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I like the idea behind it of comparing then and now but I believe it could be taken further. It certainly has a lot of potential. I would especially like to see the line "Now..." completed. Thanks for sharing and keep it up!
This short poem is particularly amusing and the laughter that burst from my lips at the end took me by surprise. I feel though that it is incomplete. Perhaps just the beginning or the end of a poem that has all the makings of being fantastic. If you chose to take it further please ;let me know I'd love to read it.
First up I must say that I loved this poem. The reason I only gave it a 3.5 rating is because I think it has a lot of potential and you could really do a lot with it. I believe, and this is reflected in a lot of my work, that not all poetry has to rhyme. Perhaps if you tried less to make it rhyme it would feel more natural. Other than that it really is a lovely poem filled with so much hope and joy. Thank you for shating and giving me a reminder of how innocent child hood really can be.
This is a fantastic poem that I must commend you on! I can understand why a meter like this would be hard to write, and I, who usually have no structure at all to me poems, have a lot of respect for a piece like this. It's incredibly moving and wonderfully nostalgic. I love your reference to the clock and the glade. Thanbks for sharing and keep it up!
I never thought a poem about a road could be so fascinating and beauftiful! I really enjoyed this poem and for some reason it brought back memories of my childhood and long drives through misty mountains with my parents.
The fact that it has a wonderful flow due to the rhyme just makes it even better.
My favourite line: " It meanders through the land, showing travelers the way, To the mountains in the distance, against the blue and the gray."
I can really see how this can be a song as well as a poem. It's lovely! Soulful and deep but lovely none the less. I must say I really could relate because i've just asked my boyfriend for a bit of space in our relationship and it hurt like hell! Thanks for sharing!
My favourite part: "It's all these hailstorms and hurricanes
That your heart must bear
You do it alone cause you look beside
And I'm not there"
This poem has a lot of potential I just think i need to be rworked and perhap a little more use of punctuation. I foun it a bit scattered and struggld t find one central line to follow or any rhythmn. How ever the idea behind it and Iliked your line: "A shining star covered with the blackest soot." That's beautiful.
This is a really cute poem. The rhyming is fine, it gave it good rhythmn and an almost lyrical feel. It made me laugh which is good because some poems just fail to do that. It made me hungry too even though you don't give direct images about cake. Thanks for sharing it was fun!
This piece has a lot of potential, more so than the other one. The idea is certainly there however it comes across as jarring so perhaps if you worked on your rhythm it would help. It flows in certain places and ten simply stops, for example the first two lines of the last stanza are great and the last line just breaks them. Keep trying though!
I wouldn't exactly describe this as earth shattering. I personally found it quite clichéd and the repetition didn't really work that well. I'm sure this could be better though if you worked on it. It has the potential. Keep writing and see what you can do and I hope I don't come across as too critical!
This is certainly unique and original. I just felt that there was something lacking through out the poem. Perhaps it should be longer and this just a verse, I'm not sure. I can definetly feel underlying tones about life decisions but that may not ave even been your point. Keep it up though!
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My thoughts: 
My favourite line/s: 
My suggestions: 
Overall: 