I rate this highly. A fault with new writers ( myself included) is piling on detail after detail in the hope that the reader 'gets it'.
In the initial stages of writing, detail can be a useful device. Writers have to 'self edit'- cutting back the detail that one has added. Hemmingway said ' say it once'.
As a novel progresses, background detail should be cut back. Once the reader is 'in the story, too much detail takes them out of it . In a short story, detail control is crucial.
{"John hesitated in the hall for a tremulous breath, and his nose tingled with astringent hospital scents. He stepped into his brother Tom's room where a nurse's aide huddled beside the bed, spooning a liquid dinner of steaming soup into Tom's waiting lips. John blinked back tears at the sight of the casts immobilizing his brother's limbs. Guilt clenched at his stomach and tightened his throat while memories of yesterday's hunting accident came flooding back.'}
is a paragraph that I would prune further.
John hesitated in the hall and his nose tingled with hospital scents. He stepped into his brother Tom's room where a nurse's aide spooned a dinner of steaming soup into Tom's waiting lips. John blinked back tears at the casts immobilizing his brother's limbs. Guilt clenched his stomach and tightened his throat while remembering yesterday's hunting accident.
Given that this is a short story, in the present, we can assume that the reader 'fills in detail'. ( the target reader will have his own vision of what a hospital smells like
What a memory is, how soup looks. how to react to an accident and injury.
the message is to allow the reader to provide as much of the 'view' as possible.
.
Out of the Closet, everybody...
OK- I returned to the site in 2012, and :
I've reviewed 58 novels
I've received ten , count them, ten in return a quarter of them by one person.
If you are a 'review hoarder', than am I better off joining your ranks? there seems to be little incentive to do a review, at this time...some points, some risk of a reprisal review by the 'easily offended', some risk of getting scalped by a fast n Fluffy.
Hi:
Jocelyn Witt has written a great review of my novels first tow parts, " The Hunter of the Negroes' , and although she rated it a three, she took the time to make a detained analysis, and has followed up. with me.
Definitely a first class reviewer who should be commended and recommended.
Reg Saretsky
OPUSOPUS
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