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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/onceuponatime
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Public Reviews
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Review of The seaside  Open in new Window.
Review by E. G. Venancio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Extremely interesting poem. I wouldn't have gotten the religious overtones if I hadn't read your sub-title. That's not a bad thing, ever read John Donne? Check out his 'Holy Sonnets' if you haven't already.

Suggestions: the line 'where no men walk' seems to be your center piece for this poem, so I think it would have more power if every stanza ended with it. Also, have it stand on its own.

Don't be afraid of long lines. I think a lot of your lines could be merged together and still have as much, if not more, power. For example, your last stanza could be two lines. The first, and then the next three made into one. having the reader take it all in at once with no line breaks gives it more oomph. Just something to play around with.

Keep it up!
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Review of How odd  Open in new Window.
Review by E. G. Venancio Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really like the theme of this poem! Your figures of speech work wonderfully and the poem has a great sound to it.

Suggestions for revision: The poem is a little front-heavy. It starts out strong with nice long lines and then it kind of drifts away towards the end, leaving short, kiddish lines. If that was your intention, feel free to disregard that comment. Otherwise, you might try adding some more meat to the end to help the piece balance.

Also, consider adding some punctuation. commas are a great poetic tool for setting the rhythm of a piece and breaking up important points. Adding a few will not only help your reader keep track of where they are, but it will also allow you to emphasize what you want to really stand out by making the reader pause on that line.

Other than that I think it has tons of potential, and I look forward to seeing some more!
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