I love things like this. I hope that it is true. Not that people lose their souls, but that it is drawn from real life. I'm very much into our ancestral history. I wonder if she is a member of clan O'brien, or perhaps someone who was wronged by a member of the clan, or even a long-lost love of one of the men. Ytou have my imagination going, which means I really liked this!
This was cool. Your descriptions were vivid, without trying to dictate everything to my imagination. I've found that the type of storytelling I enjoy the most is the sort that allows my own imagination to do most of the work and just keeps moving me right along.
The "indian burial ground" is used so much it can become tiresome, but it fit right in with this story.
It was cool the way you didn't "resolve" the whole deal with just her one "message" to the spirits, but they at least gave her some respite. That is a more believable scenario than the former.
I should go read more of your stuff because I really enjoyed this.
One question-not about the story, but about the introduction to the folder. Is "estrasensory" a word I'm just not familiar with, or is it a typo of extrasensory? Oh, and have you ever listened to Coast to Coast?
This was really fast-paced, which I love. The thought that crossed my mind was that she may actually be as dumb as a cow if she were to allow an anonymous caller to cause her to want to murder her best friend - torture her, no less - and her husband. I thought how simple it would be to make a random call and sow those sort of seeds, and it was disturbing.
It's obvious that you intended for the reader to gather that the protagonist was a bit of a long-suffering, put upon wife (the last minute stew,etc) but I'd have liked a bit more elaboration on that point to really hammer it home for the dull of perception. Some wouldn't even notice the point of the stew phone call.
I do know that that is a fine line to balance and not bog down the pace of the story.
This was really entertaining. Have you thought about expanding it or building on it?
Did this make you feel any better? It was pretty bitter.
I liked the redemption quality of this. I liked that you chose to look at what this man put you through as what helped you to become the person you are today. It is a bit disappointing that you still retain that bitterness because in the long run you are the only one that it will hurt. It is entirely human, however, and I understand from where it comes. Not the details, but the idea.
I've read the two other poems of yours that I've already reviewed, and there is a brutal honesty and forthrightness to your writing that I hope you never lose. I also hope that you spend some time to develop the artistic side of your talent. Right now you are still kind of raw, but in a way that flashes potential. Don't stop writing, whatever you do.
Man, you don't need to give points to someone for reading this and being HUMAN, cuz that's all you have to be to feel this.
The beauty of this is not in the rhyme or meter or the play on words or the flashy vocabulary. There's no existential bulls***.
This is beautiful because it is REAL, man. I generally go way into detail when I review something halfway worthwhile, but it almost seems wrong to do that here.
It was hard for me to read this. I wanted to start going fast and skip and skim over parts because they hurt too much. I know what it's like to have transformed--to have BEEN transformed BY someone and their love--only to have your heart torn right out of your chest. I remember what it was like to not care how exposed you left yourself or how silly you might seem by admitting some of the things you were feeling because there is no such thing as shame or embarrassment when you're loved like that.
It just happened to me, too. I'm still saying all of the stupid things, and writing poems that I hope she finds and still loving her even though I won't ever trust her again. I know these feelings and because of that I know how real this is. I wish I could let you read the things I've said myself. Maybe I can. If you read this review and want to see that you aren't alone in this world and there are people who do "get it," let me know and I'll show you.
This was good and came straight from inside you. Please ALWAYS write from inside you. It's a beautiful place.
I've just joined this place, and I came here looking for the profound. I'm glad that I did because this is an excellent example of what I'm looking for.
As far as the writing aspect of this, it rolled off of the tongue in my head like liquid and the sound of the soft consonants following each other fluidly was a welcome change from what I find at times. The length was perfect. You inspired a sense of melancholy and wrongness while still allowing me to retain some sense of hope.
My question to you now is, what do I do with it? What can I do to change this situation you describe in The Common? If these words of ours can inspire, can we use them to change what we are describing?
I would love to see what comes from your mind in regards to that. Excellent.
You just got 5 stars based on the very end.
I love that not only did you recognize this phenomenon, this sickness that is growing in our society, but you wrote about it from a personal perspective rather than analytical, and that at the end you weren't just bitching but said, basically, that it is up to us to change it.
My only complaint is that I wish it were a bit longer. I was ready to read some more! Hammer it home. Give me some VIVID descriptions of the foolish things teenagers (and adults) do to fit in with an image that's been sold to them. The copyright date on this is 2002, and you may have moved on, but I'd like to see a revised version of this with that same message at the end.
Good stuff, man.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/numoneson
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 5:44am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
