My first word of advice: "Show, don't tell."
I am really impressed with the storyline and have really gotten a feel for the world, but it seems, in just about two or three pages (were this a book), you have given all of the information about your world: the elders, the year, how vampires infested Earth, how this was a new world, how the slayer is the strongest given his duties by the Goddess, that the other elders doubt Dashi. That is all great that you are filling the reader in on all of these things, but when you show a reader something, for example through the action of a character, it makes it stand out in the reader's mind, makes them remember it, and makes them trust it.
There's a huge difference between saying off the bat that Nathan Brown can kill old vampires and actually showing a scene in which he swiftly and skillfully slays one. Such is the job of a writer. Yes, most writers can narrate and give information to the reader, but the sign of a skilled writer is when things are not simply yielded to the reader--the fun part is showing these things, giving evidence of things that are true in your world, and making the reader work a little bit. Give clues and leave things untold--it will keep the reader's attention much longer and will give them a sense of accomplishment when they do figure these things out, making them appreciate your piece so much more!
I really think you are off to a good start, however, and I like the clarity with which you write. I hope this was helpful! :^)
I love this poem as a whole--the unique and refreshing word choice, the rhythm, the personal-ness (many people can relate to it), and the vivid imagery. I really enjoyed reading this and love your interpretation of death, which was what I perceived was the main theme here. I especially like the lines: "as the body falls|wearing the heavy diving suit|that will stick to the damaged skin|
like a snail." and "the finger that touches it|brings salty droplets|to the mouth". I noticed the second to last stanza was a little weak, with the word choice and imagery not as strong as the other stanzas of the poem. But overall, excellent job. I am definitely adding this to My Favorites.
I love the fifth stanza specifically and the entire piece is quite thought-provoking and inspiring. While at first I feared the poem had little focus, as I read on, I found that it was forged with a sure hand. The conclusion seems, in a way, paradoxical to what was previously stated in the poem, leaving me in a state of blissful confusion. :^)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nsl1646
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 9:22pm on Dec 04, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
