Overall Impression:
A great beginning about travels, life, sharing, and experience which latter changes into following the emotion felt while watching a tragic news report of a man senselessly shot.
Favorite Part:
I love all the lines which begin with, "I lived." They describe a person who has seen much and remembered many lessons.
Suggestions:
I don't like the switch. I enjoy the writing below the switch but think it should be a seperate work. Either that or draw a more obvious link between the two works and use a consistent writing/rhyming style. The way it's written, it appears to be two poems merged together and the confluence is broken.
Overall Impression:
A moving poem which allows the reader to walk through a lovely picture. It beings sofly and ends strong.
Favorite Part:
"inhale the eons,
feel the ages,
hear the whispers,
of hand upon stone."
I've thought about this many times. Looking out at a boulder or tree and thinking, "if only it could talk."
Suggestions:
I want more. I want to see more of this picture, of what's around me, and how I feel. What were you doing, seeing when you thought of writing this?
Also, what's the relationship between the words and the stone fence?
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Overall Impression:
Touching story of a sister, a brother, and a good friend.
Suggestions:
Consider revising your story progression. You tend to jump around a bit.
Also, the story is about the friendship between Nazia and Fariha. I think you should focus more on their relationship rather than that or Fariha and her brother or the school day.
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Overall Impression:
A raw and graphic, near angry rant, prose about feelings of hatred toward a hurtful lover.
Favorite Part:
I enjoy the blunt bitterness of this work and it's simplicity; written staggered like the anger you feel.
Grammar & Errors:
And under its poisonous drops[,] I crack and wither[]
Decaying, my sweet stench nauseating[.]
This, this my love[,] is all yours.
And every dried drop of blood[.]
This is what I owe to you[;] this is what you’ve made for me.
Do it, do it, take it[!]
Take my heart, consume me again[.]
It’s whole[.] [T]he body has died but the soul remains.
Savour every mouthful my love[.]
Lick the blood from your lips[.]
Taste my bitterness[;] all that remains[.]
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Overall Impression:
Creating images of various faces which are special because they are all unique.
Favorite Part:
"portrait sketched, then drawn anew, by fickle hand of time"
I read this to mean that we wear a face for a time, believing in it, then we realize something new and change our "face" - outlook, belief.
Suggestions:
While I have no specific issue with the repitition of, "a diamond in the rough," I wonder if you may gain a better impact using a different method. Perhaps an ending which pulls together the inspiration of this work.
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Overall Impression:
A poem of unrealized dreams, lost time, and empty lives. Good rhythm and an interesting read. Sits close to my heart and my outlook on many peoples lifestyle.
Favorite Part:
"Lives piled like worthless lumber"
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Overall Impression:
About remembering a influencial artist who made a mark on a man's life, and his realization of the meaning of one particular painting.
Favorite Part:
You're writing style is very fluent and easy to read.
Suggestions:
Perhaps add more about your background with Babu and this mysterious woman of which you speak near the end.
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Overall Impression:
A brief traditional poem of some simple rules the author believes in. Easy to read and good suggestions.
Favorite Part:
"Inject all with sweet love-doses."
Fun statement to read and think about.
Suggestions:
More please!
Grammar & Errors:
Need a period after the first line.
Need a period or semicolon after the third line.
Need a period after the sixth line.
Need a period or semicolon after the seventh line.
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Overall Impression:
A pretty verse about waking up to a snowy morning. I enjoy your imagery and the peacefulness of the morning you describe. The first two stanzas are well written.
Favorite Part:
I enjoy the 3rd stanza the most. A still morning; the snow untouched.
Suggestions:
I understand your description of seeing fresh snow in the morning because I've actually seen it. Consider adding more detail for those who haven't.
Also, I'm confused about this being "my last season."
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Overall Impression:
A short, sad traditional poem written from one sibling to another who's been lost.
Favorite Part:
"Deep in heart those pangs of pain
Strolling down my memory lane."
Memories can make us laugh and they can make us cry. It's especially hard when that's all you have left.
Suggestions:
At times your rhyming seems forced. Consider revising a few word choices.
There are surely some memories which you could share with vivid imagery to add a personal touch.
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Overall Impression:
An interesting statement about working on creating your own mark on history rather than following others in their path.
Favorite Part:
I like the idea of making our own success story instead of trying to live another's.
Suggestions:
This could be a great work and illustrate the desire of everyone to create a "footprint" in time. It makes a good point but I believe you could emphasize the statement by adding the paths people usually walk, the attempts they make. Consider, instead of a blunt opinion, leading your reader into feeling that they either have made their own footprints or why they want to.
Grammar & Errors:
"people[,] just ordinary people[;]"
"extraordinary[.]"
"thing[:] FOOTPRINTS..."
"sidewalk[,] as we walk along[,]"
"In reality though[,]"
"and wait; wait..."
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Overall Impression:
Wow! Amazingly sad poem about the loss of a mother and the feeling associated with it.
Favorite Part:
I have two actually.
1) "Retaining faith I desperately strive to keep"
2) "Call me selfish, for I know you‘re in God‘s care"
The first line I understand deeply within myself. I know what it's like to lose someone/something and feel the resentment and hopelessness. Faith used to be easy and now that sense of security has been shattered.
The second for two reasons. One, since I believe in an afterlife, I believe funerals are for the living. So I like the recognition of selfishness. Two, because it's a great contrast to the first favorite line.
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Overall Impression:
A wonderful beginning to a sure-to-be wonderful story.
Favorite Part:
The very first paragraph describing memory is fantastic! I love your choice of words and simile.
Suggestions:
None at the moment. Looking forward to reading the rest.
Grammar & Errors:
Only one noticed:
"I have a home separate from my family’s, you can stay there and no one will know you are here." - I have a home separate from my family. You can stay there...
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Overall Impression:
A story about the initiation of one Elf into an elite order. An "ordeal" of facing your worst fears to recognize strength and truth. Well written and easy to read.
Favorite Part:
Her fear of being afraid is a nice undertone throughout the work. Something which we have all felt.
Suggestions:
This feels as though it is part of a larger work or should be. Consider expanding the story.
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Overall Impression:
Very angry work at those who are blissfully optimistic and cheerful.
Favorite Part:
There are a couple parts which make me chuckle and say "wow! now that's harsh."
"...newspapers crowing the dove's extinction."
"I pine to take a needle and extract their souls..."
Both of these demonstrate a very dark desire and underlying hatred.
Suggestions:
Only to ad some more information about why you feel this way.
Grammar & Errors:
None noticed.
Other Remarks:
Though I consider myself, on one level, to be an idealist, I know how you feel. I too have looked out sometimes and wanted to rip off those smiles.
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Overall Impression:
A delicious, very easy to read story about an author with a great in-progress novel who happens to find herself in a real-life situation which is unusually similar to what she's writing.
Favorite Part:
"In my book the lawyer is innocent, but no one believes him. In my life the lawyer was guilty, but no one believes it. They think I did it."
Great turn. I love the way you state the difference between the two worlds.
Suggestions:
I would only ask that you think about resolving the "real-life" plot of your husband and the stolen money. I'm left with the feeling at the end that it's unfinished.
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Nicely worded poem about fear and insecurity while walking semi-confidently toward a better life.
Though brief, it has a certain impact; however, I think you should consider lengthening it to include what bound and freed you. Perhaps add some more detail about the light you see.
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Overall Impression:
An interesting first-person look at one tooth fairy's unfortunate ordeal making a delivery to that one dreaded household. Creative and fun.
Favorite Part:
The second-to-last paragraph is well-written and I found the finality and the hint of rebellion amusing. I also enjoy the sarcasm used throughout.
Suggestions:
The first half of the story was easy and fast. However after Timothy got hold of the angel, it became a little drawn out. I don't mind the detail but consider condensing a bit.
Grammar & Errors:
None noticed.
Other Remarks:
Fun story! I prefer the second idea for a title.
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Overall Impression:
A very well written pantoum about a horrible disease.
Favorite Part:
The last stanza does a very good job of describing a fond memory and a wonder. As if the very person who is afflicted has written this while remembering her old self and then lost in a thought, wonders what happened to herself.
Suggestions:
Only one: Consider revising "non-local." I understand your meaning but I think a more fluid word would be better.
Overall Impression:
A girl attempting to discover serenity while suffering the grief of losing someone special.
Favorite Part:
"A spirit I could picture
dancing on the foam."
I enjoy the thought of a soul sighing (in relief) of being free from the pain and struggles of this world, finally his soul has been released and he is now unchained to dance his way home.
Suggestions:
Consider revising:
"They cried in pure delight
tears, a rainbowed-dome." - this is confusing.
Grammar & Errors:
Change the comma after sea in the 1st to a semicolon.
Change the comma after fixture to a semicolon.
Change the comma after sea in the 2nd to a period.
Other Remarks:
I enjoyed this poem but it took a couple reads to grasp the meaning. Keep writing!
Overall Impression:
A brief description of how a father feels toward his children and crying out to let them know where his priorities lie.
Favorite Part:
I enjoy the repitition of "A child is the love you live." This hammers in that it's a constant thought.
Suggestions:
In a descriptive poem, I think you could add more...well description. Describe what love you share and add a personal touch about each child that is intimate and personal. It will add images and emotion that not only others can feel, but also something which will ring in the hearts of your children.
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