Loved it. I was hooked from the moment I started reading. Loved the flow and poor Fred. I felt that I was right there with him as he encountered each and every problem. There is nothing within the story that I would change.
1) Joe Delgado heard the rain, the thunder, but didn't care about any of it; he just wanted to sleep. Takeout the semicolon and use a comma.
2) He didn’t know why . . . he just didn't feel quite himself. Take out the three periods and use a comma.
3) So eventually, he fell back into his dream-state, too tired to get up, and too tired to give a damn about his life. Reword the sentence, maybe something like "Eventually he fell back asleep, too tired to get up, and too tired to give a damn about his life."
4) Then outside, a dog barked hysterically, and the figure in the corner, the man made of shadows and imagination, slightly turned his head in that direction. Start your sentence with Outside, I also think the sentence still works if you take out "and the figure in the corner" The final sentence will read 'Outside a dog barked hysterically, the man made of shadows and imagination slightly turned his head in that direction.' It seems less bulky.
5) The thing's grin seemed to widen and suddenly the room was filled with that smell---the smell your hand gets after clutching a handful of pennies. The figure bent forward in a kind of mocking bow, and for one moment its face---a face which seemed too real to doubt---slipped out of the shadows. Remove the --- and use commas
6) Its pallid hands reached down then, and grabbed the objects Joe had seen earlier on the floor. Remove the word 'then' i don't think it is needed.
7)He realized then, that they had not been tingling with sleep after all, they had been missing---cut off. Remove the words 'then and that' Those are two useless words that don't add to the sentence and the sentence will be just fine with out them. Remove --- and use a comma/
8)For some reason, the sound and feel of it made Joe very happy. Delete 'For some reason' you don't need it
Overall well written, I like the way you describe things, his feelings and the things around him, including the being in the room. Good job
the opinions are mine and you may use them as you wish, that being said, I liked it. There were a few things that you might want to consider changing but nothing too big. There are as follows:
1) It was what I assumed to be skin, covering its head like a sheet, with thin dents in all the right places. (A crook where a nose should be, a hollow dip where the eyes should be etc.) Take out the ( ) and make it a sentence, I don't think you need to describe the mouth since you already did that.
2) We were in a field, a meadow, and it was breath-taking. Pick one, I don't think you need both, personally, i like meadow better.
3)“This place is called ‘The isle of the sun’, and it is considered the founding place of earth, the beginning of the universe, where all beings were first introduced. It is a sacred place, named by many as ‘The source." Capitalize Isle if the Sun and The Source.
4) “Drink it,” He ordered. So, I did. I held the strange substance to my lips and I felt it slide down my throat. Minutes later, my mind went blank. I don't think you need the short sentence "So, i did." Your next sentence tells us that you drank the substance.
Like i said, I liked it and overall very nicely written. Good job.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/novicewriter_1
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:58pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
