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Review of My Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by Shells Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Structure notes:

I found the paragraphing a little confusing, if not hard to read. I found that mentally paragraphs will switch from one 'moment' or context to another. So if you're describing the trees while walking and then go into sitting on a bench and a stranger appears, perhaps there should be some paragraphing between these two. Another thing I noticed was "double-spacing" was used. I would avoid double spacing when using larger font formats as these can also appear to look like paragraphs.

Indentation at the beginning of paragraphs was missing, this isn't a huge thing but it does look very pretty and marks the beginning of a new paragraph. Need not worry! (Indentation is located in the options where fonts and placements are)

Content notes:

*The sentence;
"There was a party in a hotel where this little boy's birthday party was"

This causes a bit of a hiccup in the fluency of interpretation. Avoid using too many of the same word within the same sentence of paragraph. The sentence would run smooth and make more sense if it described the party as a birthday party, then disclosing it is based in a hotel. Another issue here is the little boy (Charlie) hasn't been described to us so using (this) makes no sense. Instead, use "this" after describing who or what you are referring to.

*Corrected sentence sample;
"There was a birthday party in a hotel room for a little boy, (continued) this boy's name is Charlie and he's 10 years old."

*Corrected paragraphs;
It was [quarter to ten past his bedtime] (When is his bed time? Is it 15 minutes after??) and (he is) still eating junk food. (please try to be specific, this is why editing and reviewing your own work isn't looked down upon) His dad and mom [didn't] (don't) like each other much because of their divorce. (Divorce is past tense so use past tense words. This should read "They don't like each other" instead of "Didn't") So Charlie [was] (is) kind of spoiled. [Then] (Remove 'then') to -> His dad drove him home, [and] (remove 'and') charlie (Switch Charlie with "him" in same sentence or else we won't know who is being driven home!) wasn't feeling so good after all the food he [eat]. ( This is past tense!!! He ATE the food! )



[x] Final Note

Take care to review your work before posting. I enjoyed the idea of where the story was heading but it was very vague. I'd like to know what happened with charlie's parents, why he's in the hospital. Maybe explaining why his lack of faith and trust was there in the first place. What was he treated for that restored his faith and trust? If Charlie is in intensive care, why were this children bothering him while he was recovering? Wouldn't that be doctors instead of children?

This was very difficult for me to read and I'm hoping some of this helps you and that I have successfully addressed some things you can work on! This way you can hone your writing skills. Keep writing my friend!
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