Hi Merry QPdoll  ,
I am reviewing your story
Welcome to the Paper Doll Gang. I am attempting to review all the writers in the Academy and it's your turn! As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.
Your theme is definitely romance. I was unsure if this was a chapter of a larger piece or a stand alone piece. There didn't seem to be enough of a plot to be a stand alone piece.
Your character is Janet and you use the third person limited point of view to describe the sanctuary and the wedding party members.
The pews were made somewhat comfortable for guests, with cushions, hand-made by church members.
The sentence above does nothing to move the story along, nor does it tell us anything we need to know about the ceremony. In short pieces especially it is necessary to whittle down the detail and get to the point. Cushions are not interesting. People are.
Michael was perched at the front of the sanctuary,
Birds perch. People who sit on stools might perch. A man waiting to get married might shift his weight from foot to foot uneasily, he might sweat profusely or he might be frozen with fear. He does not perch unless he is waiting to swoop.
Her own bouquet contained the same kind of roses, but was more regal than those of her bridesmaids.
When you make blanket statements like "more regal than others" you are not supplying helpful details. Different people have different idea about what makes bouquets look 'regal'. I have no idea what a regal bouquet would look like. I think king and queen when I think regal.
Before she realized it, her first journey was at an end. Once again, her father smiled, then gently kissed her cheek. He answered the pastor’s question, turned, and gave her hand to Michael. Her second journey had begun.
I would have loved to see some conversation in the piece and the sentence above offered the best opportunity for this. Dialogue draws the reader in and makes them feel like they are present much better than describing what things look like. If you had used dialogue to state what the pastor actually said you could have described what her father looked like and how his voice sounded etc. Using the five senses engages the reader on a deeper level.
You do prove that you can do this because in the second to last paragraph you give us nervousness, loud music, and heat! This was my favorite paragraph, because it helped me feel like I was right there with Janet:
With every step she took, her heart beat faster, her hands shook harder, and her lips quivered uncontrollably. The music was louder and the sanctuary hotter. Faces were everywhere, but she didn’t see them. If she didn’t concentrate, she would loose the rhythm with which she needed to continue her walk down the aisle.
   TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY
(such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading)
If she didn’t concentrate, she would loose the rhythm
I think you mean 'lose' the rhythm.
You use a lot of adverbs ending in -ly, which makes prose hard to read and slows action. It is difficult to remove these words because we use them all the time when we talk, but in a story they become tedious.
Here is an example: Her stomach fluttered, and her hands shook. Her father quietly walked up and hugged her softly. He solemnly smiled at her, and his beautiful, green eyes soaked in the view of his radiant daughter. She smiled back, and twenty-seven years of memories passed between them as they stared at one another.
Here is one way to reword this paragraph and use ACTION verbs to involve the reader.
Janet's stomach fluttered and she grasped her bouquet tightly to prevent her hands from trembling. Her father approached and smiled as he pulled her into his arms. She closed her eyes for a moment as she relaxed into his embrace. When she tilted her head back and looked up at him her lips curved upward and her eyes sparkled. His green eyes crinkled at the corners as they exchanged an intimate look, each recalling the past twenty seven years. He squeezed her shoulders and her heart filled with intense happiness.
NOTE: Words like radiant and beautiful are subjective. It is best to avoid them and use specific, descriptive adjectives.
There is a lot of telling in this piece. We are told what the bouquets look like, what the groomsmen are wearing, even down to whether a suit is single or double breasted. In short, there is a lot of tedious detail. When you tell about Andrea and the Halloween tale and the candy the writing improves. It's a nice story within a story and if you did that with each person you introduced, almost like she was looking at their faces and conjuring memories, your piece would be greatly improved, in my opinion.
My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece.
Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite!
Nora  }
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I handle this kind of review in a different way than I do most of my reviews. I will note your strengths, but I will focus on your weaknesses. Please don't allow this to discourage you. I believe the author who requests a review through the writing.com system is searching for a more in-depth critique than the writer who randomly posts their work in a forum asking for a critique. I wouldn't bother to do the review if I didn't think the story was worthy of perfecting. In other words, this is not a fluff review, because you don't want one of those.
As a wife myself, I was eager to gain insight into this distressing situation.
