I'm not going to lie to you, when i first started reading this, I was thinking, this is yet another run of the mill story. But, when from the time I reached the part with the death of the father it turned into a really great story! I really really liked it and whenever you finish writing the second part for this please send it to me, so I can read it.
How you portrayed Chloe and how ugly her mother was being to her was truly well done!
One thing I have to say off the bat, is that I love how your description and your general use of language. In the hospital scene with the worried/frantic woman, it came out very well. Very well written and i'm not sure how you can improve on this! Its a good start and you should concentrate on how to go forward from here
Okay, the story itself, I have no problem with. You set it off great with the main character losing everything in his life and wanting to change the world/revenge (not sure in what direction he's going).
But, the problem i had was how you presented the story. For me personally, there were too many names being used and I wasn't able to get acquainted with the main character. Usually in stories, the first chapter is the introduction and sets the pace for the story. You did that yes, but if the story is focusing on Jeff you didn't focus on hi enough. And the death scene in the hospital you could've focused on that more. I know you probaly have more work to do on this story, but I would personally like to see more description and more detail in the different scenes i.e. the hospital room where his wife died, the receptionist office, the scene at his burnt down house.
Hope this review was helpful and when you make some changes, send me the updated copy! Or even if you do chapter 2, do srend it!
First off, before i even start to talk about the content of this piece, i have to say i absolutely adore the color scheme you're using. Very well done. A well thought out piece, with an obvious loving of Autumn and a little bit of something else in the mix. Good job!
I'm giving you alot of credit for actually implementing the use of the word 'comestible'. Comestible is the word for (and i quote) 'tasty, nourishing, yummy food'? I like this poem alot. This poem could be published in a children's book somewhere, because its simple, clever and funny. At least that's my opinion...
Extremely good piece here! Loved everything about this.The language, structure of the paragraphs, the actual plot!! Chapter 1 was a very good introduction for this story and i look forward to seeing how this story will develop.
I only noticed 2 spelling errors. You said meat instead of meet when the paramedics came for Sarah. And you spelt coma wrong. But, still well done!!!
A good basis for a story yes, but you have to work on your descriptions and back story. You jumped from one thing, to another, to another. I followed the general gist of the story yes, but there are many glaring 'plot holes'. I would love to see this story develop into something great, if you could go back and edit and add in some more depth to the characters and background and also some details, that would be wonderful.
But, as it stands right now, its a good story. Just needs development!
Pretty good piece. Your flow throughout was unique. The similies and metaphors used was very very clever i must say. I especially loved the ending. You showed that even though you were angry over what had happened, that you're still human and you might still go back to him. Very good once again i must say.
Awww, very cutie poem. Makes me feel to grab my cell phone and called my loved one up and tell her how much i miss her. You bring about strong emotions and feelings in this and you project it well to the reader. Good work!
Niceeeeee. It took me a couple or re-reads to get the essence of the meaning behind the poem. Most people experience the kind of love you describe. Love from afar... I can personally relate to it.
Errrr...ummm... I'm not going to lie, this has to be one of THE most unique pieces i have ever come across reviewing. Crazy might be a better way to describe this... ok, my main gripe about this is that you need to use better language and description to get the reader more involved in it. If you're going for comedy, set up the jokes properly, don't just splatter them around, i think that was the main problem. I know it's in the development stages and i know with some work this will be a really good piece!
Ah yes, a funny story to start my day. Loved how you ranted and raved about how someone could break off a lock! HA HA!!! Alot of practical human emotions displayed that made me feel as if i was there and made me relate alot to the character. Very good stuff! Thanks for making my morning better!
...I don't even know what to say for this review. I could understand why your teacher likes this piece so much. It really leaves you thinking... very good piece written here!
PLOY PLOY! I really liked this poem!!!! It was sort and it got the point across so clearly! Definitely fits in well with the title + description. And written at such a young age.. Well done!
Wow! I could actually FEEL the anger you were trying to project. But, one thing i didn't actually get from the poem is WHY you're angry at society. Sure i could FEEL the anger, but WHY are you angry?
Very nice poem. I was taken back a little though in the second verse/stanza. You are using very strong pain images. I guess it is suiting because you are talking about a very strong subject... I'm guessing that you wrote this for your husband? I send my condolences to you. Very good poem
Quite a nice poem. Loved the rhyming style, couplets was it? It was a definitely a nice poem, but I just don't FEEL the poem you know... I just don't fall in love with it, i mean it was good and everything, but it just needed a little extra UMMPHH to make it better. It gets the 3.5. Keep up the good work
Ploy ploy!!! So nice! So short yet so SIMPLE!! Wow!! Damn that autumn rain!! Brings back those bad memories!! I really like this poem!!! As i'm writing this i'm actually upgrading the score from a 4.0 to a 4.5. Definitely well done. Though i just told someone who i reviewed i don't like poems without a rhyming scheme, yours is just an exception to the rule!!
Nice review. It was very nice and refreshing. One of the reasons i'm keeping this poem in my high praises is that it was unlike other poems, that has a odd twist at the end, like when you said your dog ran off i was expecting you to say that your dog would've ended up dead.
It was simple, you just want a place to rest and relax. It was nicely written especially the part where you said, ' like to walk my Father's land,
far back into the woods.
Where stoic Oak and Maple stand,
it makes me feel good'
Wow! I wad fooled because i thought it was a high school crush you was going on and on about, but you really shocked me with the last line and the word 'husband'. I even laughed when you threw in the smooch line. Very well done, though silly, this shows how much you love him. And with keeping love so young and fresh, it would always be a burning desire. Don't let that desire die.. Good job
Wow.. this is a deep Haiku. This one really has me thinking.. strong words you're using in this one, along with a touchy subject. Excellent job. This gets a 5 star rating
Okay... this page is interesting. I mean I don't understand why you're giving out GP's to review THIS page out of all the pages.. Sure it's a good idea (not the GP's thing i talking about), i talking about the promoting the W.com I mean.
But, wouldn't it be easier to add a section in this telling people to show people on the messenger lists (Msn, Yahoo, AOL etc.) about their blogs or campfire creatives or even their poems and from there you could tell them about W.com and encourage them to sign up?
Because most webmasters when they get an email like you guys are talking about saying bout W.com they would consider it spam/nonsense, but that's just my opinion anyway?
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ninja64
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 2:09pm on Dec 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
