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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nightkeeper
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22 Public Reviews Given
32 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Nightkeeper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Sumojo,

Great story! What a twist. Foreshadowed by the title and all. Well done!

I don't know who gave you a four and a half star rating. I think it deserves a five.

Presentation:

I know it's persnickety, but I believe in presenting a story in the best possible light to your reader. (These are only my opinions, so as always, use what you need and discard the rest.)

Your title could look better in bold. It is centered nicely, so the following paragraph should have no indent.

Same goes for “What are looking for?” Mary saw her husband rummaging through the kitchen drawer. <<No indent.>

SPAG: Spelling, punctuation, and grammar:

You wrote: “He used to do a bit of a stand up when he was younger, at the comedy clubs.” <<Missing comma after 'up'.>

You wrote: Alan’s legs gave way, and he lowered himself on to a visitor’s chair. “We’re too late.”<<Replace 'on to' with onto.>

You wrote: ...He gestured to the bedside table. “It all ready to use...<<It's>

You wrote: As was the Irish custom, friends and relatives came to the house to prepare the body and sit with the corpse over the following thirty-six hours.<<Comma splice. Replace comma after 'custom' with a period, colon, or a semi-colon, depending on your style.>

Story:

Great story. Starts gradually. A very natural event that many can relate to easily.

Characters:

All had different voices. Well done.

Settings:

Very typical. The bar, hospital and cemetery: all very credible.

You're quite a story teller.

TJ.
2
2
Review by Nightkeeper Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi bleedingpaper,

As a resident drunk intoxicologist, of the infamous Dreamweaver Group, I'd like to extend a warm welcome!

Now let's take a look at your story 'The Remedy of Space.'

Presentation:

Very good. But...
I think it would look better with indented paragraphs. More professional, if you like. I imagine you use 'Word' for your drafts. If that's the case, when you're uploading your work, select '+ADVANCED' and click on 'Preserve Spacing.' Now the site software should use spacing and indents from your copy-pasted 'Word document.'
Having said all that, it's only cosmetic. Your story reads great as it is.

Story:
Flows well. There's a distinct beginning, middle, and ending. I did wonder what a suicidal astronaut is doing in space in the first place. So, it's an interesting premise. I guess it's hard to keep the loonies off the bus if they are the last batch of humanity. The ending is kind of unexpected and that's great!

Spelling, punctuation, and grammar:
Your proofing skills are excellent.

You wrote: The spin was enough to simulate almost 1G. Great, for when you’re inside the station. <<Consider removing the comma after 'Great' for readability.>

You wrote: “Why do you sound calm. Nothing about this-”<<Consider an emdash after 'this'. Type emdsh between these brackets {}, and the site software will generate it.>

You wrote: “Are you going to let your anxiety ruin this for me? Really?” her voice was crackling.<<Consider a capital 'H' for 'her.' (...her voice was crackling is not a dialogue tag.>

You wrote: ...So we can both, get back inside.<<Consider a comma after 'can.'>

You wrote: ... she would be condemning him, too.<<Consider removing the comma after 'him' for readability.>

You wrote: There she was. Floating off, into the space she always longed for.<<Consider removing the comma after 'off'.>

Characters:
There's only two, which is great for Flash and short stories.
You achieved a good contrast between his logical anxiety and her self-destructiveness. Well done.

Setting:
The darkness of space. A spacecraft. The Sun. The blue, slowly-revolving planet bellow. Well done.

Possible improvements:
You wrote: The spin was enough to simulate almost 1G. Great, for when you’re inside the station. Not so good for exterior maintenance...<<Consider repeating 'great' to replace 'good' (repetition done right.)>

You wrote: He whipped his head around to find her. There she was. Floating off, into the space she always longed for.

Laughing.
<<Consider spacing before 'Laughing' to make a single word paragraph.>

These are just my opinions. As always, use what you need and disregard the rest.

Best regards,
TJ.
3
3
Review of Soap Opera  Open in new Window.
Review by Nightkeeper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Sue,

What a cracker of a story!

I really enjoyed this one!

Spooky ending.

Your spelling, punctuation, and grammar was good as well.

You wrote: Pouring more wine from the cask she’d placed on the floor next to her, she watched and listened as Ridge accused his wife of having extra-marital affairs.

Needs a comma after 'cask'.

Would anyone notice? I doubt it.

Well done!

TJ.

4
4
Review of Santa’s Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by Nightkeeper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Sumojo,

I trust this review finds you and yours well.

Firstly, if you were looking for an emotional response from your reader, you nailed it! Well done. The story deserves five stars just for that.

I can offer editorial critique, but it's rather advanced-writing, and that always comes across as persnickety because it's really applied polish. Bear in mind that these are just my opinions, so use what you need and discard the rest.

You wrote: “Daddy, you write one too,” Abbey passed a coloured pencil to her father. <Replace comma with period after 'too'.>

“I’m too old, sweetheart. Santa doesn’t want to hear from me,” Martin stood up from his crouched position on the carpet. He gave a grunt of pain. <Same again. Period.>

You wrote: “Come on, Daddy. Write Santa a letter, then we can post them together when we go to the shops,” his daughter coaxed.<<Coaxed is not a dialogue tag. It's an action. 'Said' is always better. The only purpose a dialogue tag serves is to inform the reader who is speaking. Understanding this will make you a better writer. Example: "I love that book," she laughed. (Not good.) "I love that book," she said with a laugh. (Better.) Try it yourself. See if you can laugh and talk at the same time?>

You wrote: “No, Darling. Letters to Santa are secret. They are just for him to read. Fold it up and put in the envelope. <...put it in the envelope.>

You wrote: “Go home and enjoy the time you have left, Martin. I’m so sorry,” <This sentence needs a dialogue tag. Consider: the doctor had said.>

You wrote: Dear Santa, ...<Consider a new paragraph.>

You wrote: “Put Santa’s address on Daddy. Mr. Santa Claus, The North Pole.” <on it Daddy.>

You wrote: “You do it Abbey,” Martin wiped his eyes as he stuffed the letter into an envelope and sealed it before handing it to his daughter.<"You do it, Abbey.">

You wrote: Mrs Brown’s kind eyes looked at Martin, “She looks just like you when you were her age. I remember you posting your letters to Santa,” her grey curls bounced as she laughed. “Here you are Abbey, don’t forget to put the stamps on the right way up.” <Period after 'Martin.' Period after 'Santa.' Capital 'H' for Her.>

You wrote: “My name is Azazel and I’m here to cut a deal on behalf of my boss. He apologises he couldn’t come in person, <...apologises because he couldn't...>

You wrote: The snow was falling heavily now, a thin coating already covering the lawn outside.<Comma splice. Replace comma with a semicolon.>

You wrote: We’ll have Abbey awake in a few hours, she’ll be wanting to check to see if Santa arrived.<Comma splice. Replace with semicolon. Although, you could get away with it, because it's dialogue.>

You wrote: “What happened, did the man leave?” <"What happened? Did the man leave?">

All of that is pretty easy to fix. Just a few clicks.

Well done.
Best regards,
Tim.
5
5
Review by Nightkeeper Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Sumojo,

Great story with a dark-funny twist. My mum is at that point in her life, so I can definitely relate to this. She sprayed her lemon tree with Roundup the other day, thought it was white-oil, killed it stone dead. Lol.

Mechanics:

You wrote: “I know, love, we’re going to get in her into care soon, before she gets much worse.” <Extra word. 'in'.>

You wrote: “Don’t talk like that. You’ve got years left in you.” Frank paused, “We’ve been wondering Ma, if you might be happier in a care home,” he ventured.
<'he ventured' is not a dialogue tag (technically speaking) so you could remove it altogether without losing meaning. '...if you might be happier in a care home,' is a question. Consider a question mark after 'home'>

You wrote: Several weeks went by and the newspapers and news bulletins were full of reports of more road rage events and murder rates doubling. <I wonder if 'doubled' would end that sentence better?>

You wrote: “You look different Mum, what have you been doing to yourself?” <Missing comma before Mum.>

You wrote: “Oh my God, she’s been drinking Grandad! < Missing quotation mark.

All of that can be easily fixed with a few clicks and keystrokes.

A very enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing.

TJ.
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