Very good poem, very thoughtful subject as well--poignant and touching, and very easy to identify with. There are only three mistakes to this otherwise perfect poem. 1.) A comma is needed between "O" and "young" in the first line (i.e., "...O, young maiden,"); 2.) your rhymed pairs in stanzas 2 and 6 are off rhymes--they are not perfect rhymes; using them will make the flow better and more seamless--you can still capture the same sense of these lines by using alternative words that do rhyme better, albeit admittedly, it will require of you more work, determination, and greater creativity on your part(but the end result is always worth it--believe me, I know from experience as a fellow poet); 3.) finally, although the grammar in line 16, stanza 4, is technically correct; it would be better if it was written in the following way: "Does he still to you belong?" (the syntactical sense here is more, Does he still belong to you?; as opposed to originally, Does he belong to you still?--do you see the difference? If so or not, it is really a matter of personal taste, but I mainly base my preference for this adjustment on the more natural sound and flow--in my opinion--of this particular combination of words for this one line. You may disagree with me or not, but whether you decide to change it is really a matter of taste--and not a matter of solecism, as there is none technically.
Because of these three "mistakes," I rated your poem a 4, whereas without these points of contention for me, I would have rated this poem quite easily a 4.5 or higher. All told, a very good poem with great potential to be nearly perfect or better. I hope to see this poem again when it reaches that state of excellence.
With regard to the former statements I made in my original review of this poem, I re-award you with a perfect score of 5. My reasons are because I have noticed improvements in your meter (in stanzas where I have checked) and in the arrangement of your individual stanzas. As well, the flow is much better this time as you have paid more attention to the beats (in your meter). Well done!
This is an okay sonnet. It most likely is not your best effort, I'm sure. I realize that it was written 4 years ago and that you have greatly improved as a sonnet composer by now. That goes without saying, of course. That said, the end-rhyme in lines 5 and 7 is not perfect; and the end of line 11 requires some form of missing punctuation, such as a period, comma, or semi-colon perhaps. As a result, the lack of correct punctuation disturbed the flow for me, as I had to pause, go back and mentally place the missing punctuation that I know should be there. However, your couplet is good because it is nice and tidy and concludes the sonnet effectively. I think you deserve a 3 for this one. Without the offenders I've mentioned already, I would have given you 3.5 minimum. For a 4 or better, I would like to see more use of poetic language or metaphors, as it reads almost somewhat prosaic for me. I hope all of this helps.
A very nice poem! Is there a name for this type of form of poetry? I think that someday I should like to try writing one of these myself. Overall, the poem is very good because it achieves its intended effect--to frighten the reader, and leave him with a haunting impression. It does that very well. The diction is also very accessible--no unnecessarily big words here where a reader might have to use a lexicon in order to understand it. Syntax is just simple and plain in style, and doesn't distract from the poem's purpose or direction to its final stave. I especially like the uncomplicated rhymes--all but one are monosyllabic. Lest I forget, the title is effective: it captured my interest immediately. Your choice of only 4 staves is good--any more than that might have been excessive for the needs of this poem. Grammar and punctuation are good, and both exhibit accessibility and simplicity--which aids readability.
The only suggestion I can give is that I found the meter erratic: the stresses are not consistent from line to line in the staves. Of course, I am assuming that there is an intended meter for this poem. However, if I assume wrongly, then never mind this part of my review. As it stands, I am rating this poem a 4 out of 5, for it is very good. However, had this poem's meter been better--or solid--I would have rated it a 5 easily. I enjoyed reading your poem, and reviewing it was a pleasure for me. Thanks! Ngoc.
First, thank you for reviewing and rating my poem! I'm glad that you find it thought-worthy.
I really like your short story; it is both poignant and touching for me to have read it, as I come from a broken home and I also pray to Jesus. And, like your character Charity, I was once a teenager dealing and coping with the aftermath of a divorce between my parents.
What I like about this short story are that it is well-written for its type and purpose; it was easy to read and comprehend; it was short and sweet and came right to the point; it was very believeable, like a day out of a real person's life; the situation and Charity's mother's advice are realistically and positively portrayed as much as possible for someone in Charity's position; hence, the realism is also very believeable; and,I think, most of all,it has a happy ending.
Given all these reasons, it is fair for me to say that--if your general audience is anything like me--your short story will be well-received. Also, there is not a single thing about it that I would change. Thus, you should feel fairly confident that it is ready for publication.
I hope I have given you my thoughts on your short story in time. If so, please let me know in a brief email to that effect, if you don't mind, and whether it has been accepted by your publisher for publication. Thanks for giving me the oppurtunity to read and to comment on your short story; and I hope my input will be of good use to you. Yours truly, Ngoc.
A nice sonnet! Its flow moves along very well and you could actually hear its near-perfect melody!
Your meter is not perfect as yet, because of accents on uneven-numbered syllables in places. But you do have the number of syllables right in every line that I counted; and all the lines of your quatrains follow the rhyme pattern of abab cdcd efef gg as demanded by the Shakespearean sonnet form, except for lines 9 and 11.
But I like your rhyming couplet--it ties the entire sonnet up quite well. And once more, the melody of the sonnet is near-perfect: the only thing that spoiled it for me was the imperfect rhyming of lines 9 and 11. If you had had a perfect rhyme for "storms" or for "shore" the melody would have been perfect, immaculate!
This is a very good sonnet, in my opinion! Except for the concerns I've mentioned, this is a near-perfect attempt. Well done and continue to Write On! Yours truly, Ngoc.
For those of us who are indeed a little timid or confused about giving out less than favorable--or even perfect--reviews, this is an excellent tool for guidance and moral reassurance! As a new member, I am very glad that I've "stumbled" on this item before I actually got around to rating fellow members' items.
Having read your item, I have a better idea of how to rate members' items with confidence and a clear conscience, secure in the knowledge that even my less than favorable ratings will be helpful to others and are in the best interests of serious poets and writers like myself. Also, I feel better knowing that my favorable ratings as a poet and writer will be well-deserved, so long as my fellow readers, poets, and writers judge my submissions by these guidelines. I, too, prefer honest evaluations that will help me over the long run over sweet and honeyed half-truths about my work that would serve only to give me false hope and a sense of complacency as a writer in the end. Of course, don't get me wrong--I love compliments and praise as much as the next guy or gal, but only when I know I deserve them for something well-written and done with painstaking care and thought.
I think this item serves its purpose quite well. It addresses its topic very practically without being wordy or overlong. At the same time, it settles the issue of rating without being vague or unclear and without leaving anything unaddressed. For new members and even established ones, this item is both thoughtful and immensely practical, with the potenial to save alot of members unnecessary misgivings and confusion. I hope my honest review does this item and its author the justice they deserve. Thank you. Ngoc M. Nguyen.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ngoc
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 9:39pm on Nov 15, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
