You did a really good job on this story. It is interesting and well-written so that even those who are not familiar with the sport of wrestling do not get lost in the match sequences.
Personally, I think this would translate easily to a first-person point of view since you don't really take advantage of your third-person omniscience to tell what is going on in other characters heads. You pretty much only talk about what Matt is noticing and thinking. I also think first-person would work better in conveying Matt's emotions because it would be much more personal and descriptive through his eyes.
I noticed early on in the story that you were lacking commas in a number of places that needed them and had a few that didn't really belong. You might want to re-edit for that and also be on the lookout for run-on sentences that can be made into separate sentences.
Oh, come on! You can't stop it there! What happens next?
Overall, a really good story. You do an excellent job in conveying the emotion of the story to your readers. I especially like the use of flashbacks to tell your backstory. You blended it really well with John's current thoughts so it did not break up the story.
I would love to give you a 5.0 rating, but I just can't stand unfinished stories that leave you hanging like that. I don't mind it when I know there is a sequal coming, but I hate it when people end stories or movies like that and you are left wondering how it will all turn out.
I'm not really a big fan of these types of stories which is why I chose not to participate in this prompt, but yours is awesome! I love the twist you put on it and how it was resolved. I just love it when the bad guys get caught in their own traps.
The only two suggestions I can even offer for improvement is that, from a realism standpoint, Katie seemed to take the whole idea of Sam doing curses in stride. No shock over that fact or anything. The other thing I would suggest is to describe Sam's reaction to Katie's kiss. It was totally unexpected and he would have been totally shocked and surprised by it.
I like your story! It was definitely unexpected and I love surprises like that. I especially like how you left the ending with so many unanswered questions. You could easily make this the first chapter of a really neat adventure story.
Some suggestions for improvement is to check your spelling and grammar. If you have Microsoft Word, you can copy your text into that and catch some of it that way. Otherwise, you just need to read carefully through it. I would also work on "showing" the story a little more than "telling" to keep the reader's interest all the way through. As it is written now, it seems very narrative.
There are a couple of "fantastic" stretches. First is the fact that Shay doesn't seem overly fearful of the fact she came face to face with a dragon in the supermarket. You may consider having her react fearfully at first (as any average person would) but use the dragon's movements and behavior engender calmness and curiosity and eventually trust.
You also have a fantastical creature in a normal world. Aside from having to get into the SUV, you don't really describe its reactions to its surroundings. I think you can build a little with that.
The last one is the fact that the guys tracked down the dragon's exact location. How did they do that? Shay would be a little curious as to how they managed to show up at her house to pick up their dragon when nobody knew she had it.
The choice of the dragon's name bugged me a little, but that is just personal preference. It sounded too local for me for a creature that "ain't from around these here parts."
I did like the fact that it was the lizard who commented on the weirdness of it all at the end. The unexpectedness and the absurdity of it made me laugh. Good job!
I think that you have done fairly well on this story. My one suggestion would be to try and not "tell" so much - which is difficult to do given that the whole story is essentially a narration. Break up his story by inserting a few well-placed observations of his reactions to his memories as he relives them.
One thing that I am a little confused on. The girl took his knife and stabbed him in the arm before running off while he retained his sword. But when they are at the cliff, they only had his knife between them. Where did his sword disappear to? At what point did he get his knife back? A little clarification might help the story a little.
You have a good start here. You can easily take it two directions here: 1. A serious commentary on how we take our neighbors for granted and are often detached from their lives or 2. A murder mystery along the line of "The Burbs" (loved that show). It will be interesting to see what you do with it.
The only thing that really bothers me is that Jonathon didn't really react to the news of his neighbor's death. He just let her go on, hoping that the constant chatter would cover his ignorance of the fact. Was he shocked by the news? Taken by surprise? Did he physically react and have to discreetly cover it?
I only noticed one typo:
Like when Dad’s friend, Jim, got heart trouble that could not be cured, it only took talking to a few neighbors to convince yourself that Jim’s heart was a gonner.
Spelling - goner
I look forward to reading your finished version in the future.
Keep writing!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nesnejan
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 11:18am on Nov 24, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
