The writing is well done. In that you are limited to 300 words or less I would like to see more descriptive phrases in the piece. Such as instead of sleeping Ranger....slumbering Ranger. The man had the ears of a animal..should be an animal..but maybe you should say the man had the hearing of XXXXXX. I am confused by the use of Ranger in the first paragraph and in the second. Are they the same thing?
The cold steel of his dagger against his skin stung like ice...
Finally I would think this would be better written as an active, present tense narrative. Past tense is telling a story..present tense is experiencing it.... Warren dismounts his horse quietly, trying not to waken the slumbering Ranger inside the small cabin....
Leaves crunch beneath the young man's feet as the crisp air forces him to pull his cloak tightly around him.....
See how to eliminate the words ending in -ed..(past tense)
You show a knack for writing and I think you have great potential based on the above.
Great story and an enjoyable read. There are a few areas where you shift tense from past to present, but nothing dramatic. Your writing is clear and easy to follow putting the reader at ease as he goes along with you on your trip. That would be my goal in writing this piece to make the reader feel as if they are the third person in your car.
I would like to see you use more adjectives and adverbs. Go wild with your descriptions to add more flavor to the story.
Well written. I would suggest the following. The read is somewhat monotonus in that you have short sentences and short paragraphs. I think you can combine these into longer paragraphs. Also you tell us what the person is thinking. I would like to learn about the person by his actual thoughts. Re and reread each sentence and ask your self if it sounds correct. Every piece has room for improvement. Also all of your paragraphs begin with "He" or 'I", you may want to look at doing that differently. Also you may want to include names as the use of I and he and she tend to make it confusing as to who is who.
All in all you show great promise and enjoyed reading this and look forward to more.
The writing is good. The story, being that it is a small part of a larger story, is well written. I do find that the flow of the story is somewhat confusing. You describe Colt, then you tell a story, then you go back to describe Colt, and then another story. Thrid paragraph you talk of two occassions, but reference only one.
Read the story sentence by sentence. Does it sound right to your ear? A good writer edits his story often.
I would also suggest using more desciptive adjectives and adverbs...spice it up a bit.
And he did, too! When I came back, there was such a heavy dust of chalk in the air that I had to cough my way back to my damn desk.
And he did, too! Upon my arrival, there was chalk, as thick as pea fog throughout the room. I half choked on my way back to my desk.
I think you show promise. I would suggest that you re read the item and see if it "sounds right." I would pay attnetion to the use of the word "had" throughout the piece. They tend to make the read somewhat choppy. Examples:
It had all begun with his mother's death....maybe... It began with his mothers death...
As a doctor, Alec Gregory had tried to consider ...As a doctor, Alec gregory tried to consider...
It had been an accident....It was an accident...
Look through the piece and see if where you use "had"..is there another way to express the sentence that allows it to be fluid.
This seems to only show up in the first part of the piece. After that the storyline is well done. But as with all writings I always encourage the writer to read, re-read and re read and re read and re read...well you get the picture. Until it sounds like you want it to sound.
Keep up the good work.
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