I believe you show great promise in writing. Your story flows well and I like that you use many adjectives to paint a picture in the readers mind. Never be in a hurry when writing. I would offer a suggestion. Your story seems to start out past tense then becomes present tense when your protagonist is confronted by the German officer.
Maybe the first paragraph would flow better like this..
As I breathe into my hands I’m suddenly aware of how filthy they are. Dirt compacted beneath my nails, impossibly thin veins of black fill the crevasses of my knuckles. It almost looks like I'm working again. I can even feel the pastel in my hand as the dirt and soot and grime turn in to brilliant hues of blues and lavender.
This house, like the colors that cover my hands, was once beautiful. The painted windows now shattered by bombs or artillery shells,............................ ....End of paragraph 3.Suddenly, the floorboard creaks beneath my feet. They're black again. (I would put this at the end of the third paragraph)
Just an idea to bring the writing to present tense. I hope you get the idea as you read the first three paragraphs.
One suggestion I was given when starting out was to read, edit ..reread edit ..re read edit. I like to write something, read and edit it then maybe let it sit for a day or two and reread and edit. Gives you a fresh view of your story.
Again I think you write very well for someone starting out and feel you will only improve with each story you write.
I like what you are trying with this piece. You show promise in developing a story. Below are some thoughts with regards to what you have so far.
1. Your writing is to detailed. What I mean to say you seem to provide to many finite details. Instead of describing something (ie painting a picture) you are telling. Let the reader develop in his mind a picture.
Example is the size of the man. Maybe say he stands a shade under 4 feet. But then you go on to say the creature is 6 to 7 feet tall. I would just leave it at the creature was twice his height.
Or the opening maybe would be something like this...."The creature awoke, its head throbbed in pain, its mouth dry and foul. Dazed and confused, unsure of where he was he slid slowly along the damp and musty brick walls of the dark dungeon, towards the tiny sliver of light that crept below the iron door. With every movement of his massive torso its muscles screamed in agony......
Also may look at some grammatical error as in the 2nd paragraph ending in "in".
Paragraph 5 I think you need to paint a more vivid picture of your creature. Eyes, claws, etc...
Bottom line I think you should be focused less on telling and more on describing and this would be a better piece.
All in all I think you have written a nice chapter for the start of you project and you show a knack for writing.
One thing I always end with is for you to read, re-read and re-read your piece and see if it sounds right, if the flow is smooth..trying to look at it from the readers view.
You write very descriptively and that is a plus when writing fiction. As writers we must paint with our words. That being said you may want to look at what you are describing as in this work it because somewhat burdensome or overdone and makes it difficult for the reader to focus.
You have some areas , and when I started I did also, where you bounce between past and present tense. Ex.
" He leaned on the bars, the light above him turning him into a dark shadow"
Also some sentences do not make sense. Ex "Stop it Gen, just... Stop.” Dr. Bossard breathed his back facing her." and "He stopped her, arm pointing towards the door; eyes closed in a mixture of pain and fury"
Would suggest using "the Doctor" or just "Bossard" throughout, instead of Dr. Bossard after you have introduced him at the start.
One final thought is that once you write a piece is to read, re-read, re-read and re-read to see if it sounds the way you want it to. Without being to critical. Just "does it sound right."
Bottom line you show a great talent for the pen. I am really impressed with your use of adjectives and adverbs. The flow of the narrative is very good. The story is well told. The beginning does capture the reader which is always important.
The story is well constructed. I would suggest that you need to really work on editing your work. There are numerous mis spellings and typo,s though out the piece. From a story perspective I would have liked to have seen more development at the beginning as to how Stewert came to work at the firm...was tis part of the revenge..or did he work at the firm when he killed Edward's family.
When writing mystery..you want to build..build ..build your story to increase the suspense until you reach the climax.
Being a newbie we want to put something on paper quickly, and in doing so we make many mistakes. Remember this as you go forward..Write, Read, Edit, Read, Edit, Read Edit..and so on. From waht I have read even the best writers edit there books over and over again.
Look for the mispelled words I see several. Also some of your sentences have problems gramatically, Read each your story again, sentence by sentence. Does it sound right? Does it flow with the story?
You show promise..but writing, especially as we start out, requires patience.
NEVER..AND I MEAN NEVER apologize for a being a romantic...the world needs more of you. I like your story, it is well told. But being that you say you are a romantic, I feel you can go deeper into what our two characters are feeling. Let youself go..be more detailed...use adjetives and adverbs as if they were a paint brush. Let the reader know these two as if they were their best friend.
See below
He was so relieved, he (how did he grab her?)grabbed into a hug and a kiss(what kind of kiss?). Shocked, Vicky pushed him away again, breathing as if it was hard (A think you can do better with how she breathed) . He laughed (how did he laugh) again. “I promise Vicky, Ill leave you alone now.”
If your going to write, and especially romance, you must bring feeling into your work. Have a couple of glasses of wine and just let yourself go....
At first blush I was looking at the beginning of your Chapter. You begin in the present tense with the phrase ...lucky for me, I didn't remember that week....
Then in the second paragraph you switch to past tense with....The sky WAS the color of blueberries, but I COULD only see....
In that you are writing in the first person I always feel it sounds better if you write in the present tense, unless it is a flashback. Also writing in the active mode, as if you are preforming the activities..Such as "Running down the street, dodging bricks and chunks cement....
Also I would look at your sentence structure as the passage appears choppy.
Always..read what you have wrote, edit, re read, edit , re read , edit. Ask yourself with each sentence does this sound right.
Take your time. I went thru ony the first paragraph and it seems you are rushing. Let's look at the first paragragh.
THEN, AT LUNCH, as luck would have it, I walked right into Trace Gibson---the love of my teenage life. Every girl in West Havenbrook has had a crush on Trace (no matter what they say), and it’s obvious why. Trace is funny, smart, and he’s one of the most popular and one of the most gorgeous guys to grace West Haven’s halls. He’s different than most guys our age too---at least to me he his. Probably because Trace happens to like me somewhat…I think.
.Maybe it should be At lunch, as luck would have it, I bumped into Trace Gibson, the absolute love of my life. Every girl, and I mean every girl, at West Havenbrook has a crush on Trace. and it is obvious why. Trace is funny, smart and one of the most popular guys to grace the halls of West Haven. Did I mention he's so hot, I could bake cookies on him? Trace is unlike any other guy at school. At least to me he is, because Trace likes me. I think.
One thing I noticed (and I do it all the time)..you have a tendecy to switch from present tense to past tense through out the passage.
Also I think your novel should be in the Active mode, in that you are part of the story.not the passive mode. Passive mode you are telling a story to the reader...active mode the reader becomes part of the story. I find Active writing is the best read..
Example
I scrambled into the science hall, where Chemistry awaited me. When I walked into the class, the humiliation carried on. Taking my seat grimly, I lowered my head onto my desk, trying to escape. I closed my eyes and thought of Trace, wondering if he would believe that horrid rumor. I was quite certain he wouldn’t. Trace wasn’t one to gossip. It was one of many qualities that I admired about him.
You switch from passive... "I scrambled into the science hall...." .To active."Taking my seat..." At the first you are decribing your action (passive) then you are doing the action (Active)
Maybe this works... Scrambling to the science hall, Chemistry awiating me, the humilation continues. Grimly taking my seat, I lower my head onto the desk, trying to escape. Closing my eyes, I can only think of Trace, wondering if he believes the horrid rumor.
This may be the areas they mean by grammatical errors.
By the way...I think you show promise....
Also if you are writing for teenage girls I suggest learning some of the current "lingo". The "hot I could bake cookies on him" came from my teenage daughter.
Well written...would like to have had a more visual description of the person being talked about (ie hair color..flowing....eyes..color...build..muscular..tall..etc...
I think you can build that into what you have written above
Very well written...I suggest you use yawn and stretch once, maybe twice..but not three times.
Also some of the sentence seem disjointed. I would suggest reading, re reading and editing to see if they sound correct....
Example the sentence starting with
"Rising, she could see....
And the two or three sentences that follow are difficult to follow.The last thing you want is for a reader to have to go back and re read something because it is confusing...
I like your use of descriptive words through out the piece. The Chapter seems to have some problems. You start out waking up from a dream then you describe the dream..why not start with the dream itself..not letting the reader know it is a dream until you "snap back to reality".
Reread, reread, edit and edit...is what I have been learning. Is what I wrote the most expressive way of putting my thoughts. Example in the paragraph starting...I was still sweating...maybe it should be. ...Still sweating and half asleep, I decided a shower would do me good...... Writing in the active person reads better to me.
With my red silk nightgown STILL clinging to my chest.....does the reader know beforehand that it was clinging to your chest?..No need for the word "still".
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 8:32pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
