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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/necrobeen
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7 Public Reviews Given
12 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Necroben Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
First Impression:
Very cool story concept! Intriguing and engaging with interesting conflict.

They ran after her never tiring or ceasing, long hairy ears flopping in the wind.

I thought that the story might start better here, right in the action with some of the world building thrown in the later half of the Prologue.


What I liked :
The characterization was good. We didn't get all the details about her all at once, but dribbled and sprinkled about, flavoring the character to perfection.


Suggestions:
I don't know if the formating was in error or if it was done on purpose, but it didn't work for me. It was distracting in such a way that it pulled me out of the story every sentence break. And since every other sentence had a break it got to be a little annoying toward the end. If it was a book I picked up at a store--to see if I wanted to buy it--I'd put it right back.

But your story was great and I'd love to continue reading to find out where your characters go!

Write with joy!

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. --Thomas Jefferson
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Review of The Blackness  Open in new Window.
Review by Necroben Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed your story.

...she said to no one but herself.

This could have been pared down to just: ...she said to herself.

She looked but saw nothing, only darkness moving within darkness, an unnatural sight.

This line contradicts itself. She saw nothing, but only darkness, then it's revealed as an unnatural sight. Maybe something like this: She saw nothing but darkness move against the surrounding black. Her skin crawled at the unnatural sight.

I'm not sure if you were writing for brevity or if this was for a competition, but it seems that the story is told a little abruptly. My advise would be to focus more on the character through who's eyes we're seeing. Show how her body reacts to the outside stimulus, but show as well the physical reactions of her fear without telling us she is afraid.

Also, try differentiating the words you use for descriptions. Your story has a more powerful effect when you use alternate words for say, darkness.

On the whole I liked your concept for a story. You have voice and your character is taking shape; enough so that I want to keep reading to find out more about her. What are her motivations? Why does she stay in the room? Why does she confront the strange child/creature in the room with her?

Write with joy!
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