Hey, just stopped by to read chapter one before I read chapter two, lol. I am now very anxious to jump to chapt 2. I have to say that I really love your main character, Lincoln. A lot of class and style with positive qualities for a 9th grader to exhibit. Great character development .
I am off to chapt two.
Thanks for the great read.
CJ
Hi
I think this is very well written. The pain and disillusionment are felt from the very beginning. I don't know if this is a true story or not, but if it is then I am very sorry for such a tragic childhood.
I only found a few mistakes...
she was quick to pretend never happened. ( Missing something here...IT? This?)
so my siblings would be never have to visit again. ( Need to take out the "be")
The fox paw does not have to rot, it can always be saved. ( I think maybe saying..."the fox paw does not have to wither, die, it can be saved....or something along that line.
The story is tender in its remembered pain, and this last line to me just doesn't fit because of the feeling that the word "rot" gives the reader. ( me) )
Overall this was a very well versed story. Good Job!
Namaste
HaHa love it!
I did have a couple of small problems. Mostly words missing, or wrong word.
But the biggest trouble is the middle of this chapter, that has the giant body of words. That needs to be broken up into paragraphs...it's too big.
“Will you be able to deliver all the presents in time for Christmas"....should this have a ?
“What happened, where am I, who are you, who am I, is there another intruder”, seems like if he's confused again, he wouldn't know to ask about "another" intruder.
Hi I found your story interesting, but a bit confusing too. Here are a few suggestions to help it run smoother...
He froze, plate falling forgotten to the floor, as he felt the sharp prick of childhood fear escaping in hot urine running down his legs. A swoosh of breath and voices sighed from mouthless masks,
( He froze, plate falling, forgotten, to the floor, as he felt the sharp prick of childhood fear escape in hot urine running down his leg.)
one near suicide attempt ( with suicide, I think, you either "attempt" it or you succeed. So a Near suicide attempt, doesn't sound right. But that is just me.
With the ending, I am a bit confused. Seun kept his promise? What promise? The only thing I read was that he promised he'd be back early. So I am not sure who kept the promise and what the promise was...? Sorry if I missed your entire point!
If you can add more to this story, fill in more detail, I think it would be great!
Namaste
Namaste
This is really very pretty, soft and feminine. Telling of the coming of age of a young girl. I liked this very much. Only had trouble with the ending section:
Fragranced by his presence
she began to glow
she blossomed into something
that time can only show.
I don't know a lot about poetry, but this part did not flow for me.
Fragranced is not a word, I don't think.
What do you think about this:
Enraptured by his presence
she began to glow
she will blossom into something
only time can show
My suggestion is only that...a suggestion. You are the poet, not me....
Keep on!
Namaste
Hi again! I enjoyed reading chapt 2...I only found the sentences below, problematic. Not major, just a wee bit...:)
“has there been any improvements?”...Have there been any improvements?"
For the rest of the night Rudolph was in the pub drinking more and more alcohol, all the while fretting for Santa’s safety and of what will happen in the during the day that had already recently started. ...fretting over Santa's safety, and what will happen today.
I did get a little mindboggled when I was reading about the house size and cottage etc. I may need to reread that, and I'll send you an email rather than a review like this.
Overall, I chuckled through Warren's antics and of course, the masked Rudolph! lol
I will read chapt 3 when I get home tonight...I will also reread chapt 2 and kind of combine them.
talk later
Namaste
I love this entire idea. You have so much to work with, to expand on!
But, the way it's written here, this would be too dark for a children's book.
(Beams of light shot out through her eyes, mouth and chest.) Have this light shine rather than "shot out". Reference to Draco reminded me of film "Dragon Heart"
The short battle scene, too graphic for young minds.
The contrast between the kind gentle Princess and then Gastomar, too extreme for me.
If you want this to be a childrens book, then I would suggest "softening" the rough parts. OR you could keep this as it is, add more to connect the soft with the dark with more storyline. This could be a pre-teen novel rather than a child's book. Now, this is only my opinion, because I take "children's book" to mean 2yrs old to 7yrs. This would need to be a bedtime story. Know what I mean? If you pick a direction, I believe with a little polish, you have a winner! Great Job!
You see, Gastomar wanted the power that the moon held and the loyalty of the people that was bestowed upon it.
First of all, I am assuming ( hopefully) that there is a chapter 2 in the works?
I definitely enjoyed reading this, the dark humor was very good.
The story moved along at a very good pace. I actually had visual all the way through the dialogue, and found it believable.
As an introduction, it seemed to cover all bases very well( But I haven’t even eaten since October) With a comma after wife, This line should have started with "and I haven't eaten since October...
“Why won’t that stupid, fat Santa just die, I’ve given him twenty cookies pumped full of fattening substances each day for the last bi-decade but he just gets fatter and fatter, I was hoping that he would have a heart attack or just kill himself by now, I guess I’ll have to try a more personal approach.” Here, needs to be 2 sentences...split at ...fatter...I think that would run better, be less breathless. Over all, I really enjoyed this and look forward to Chapter 2 and others! :)
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