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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mystdancer50
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47 Public Reviews Given
116 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (2.5)
Spacing is an issue in this piece. The first thing I’d do is separate each new paragraph/statement to make it easier to read. In books and magazines, this isn’t really an issue, but for some reason, on Writing.Com, it’s easier to read stories when there are space between each paragraph. That’s a preference of mine, so no worry if you decide to leave it as is. Most Word documents set up a slightly extra space between paragraphs by default now, so it’s definitely necessary when reading digital texts.

Sentence Structuring and Grammar: It was one of the moments when she asked me, “What are you reading?”

If you want to emphasize a word, try italics, rather than capitalizing. Also, add comma before the statement comes.

Remember to add commas, but not too many! I am guilty of adding too many at times. Consider reading the story aloud and find the natural pauses as reading, or pay attention to speech patterns when you or others are speaking. Usually, when there is a natural pause, there is a comma needed when writing. A common rule of thumb is to place commas before “but” and “too”.

Adding Commas: Sometimes the question itself makes you comfortable with a stranger, but this time it was that euphonious voice, too.

Confusing: It was dense and addictive that you cannot thwart

Not quite sure what “it” is and why it matters. In hindsight, it’s more than likely the question, but there may be a better way to add this description without it floating on its own like it is.

Missing “to”: In a notion to reply to her…

Also, consider removing parenthesis: In a notion to reply to her, and also to have a glimpse of the girl, I took my eyes out of that deeply indulging novel.

Add Comma: Slowly, I turned…gift of disappointment, as she…

Tense change: In the same area as above, changes from past to present tense. Maybe change “I can” to “I could”.

Extra words: Same area, consider removing “really”, as it doesn’t add to the story…it took me a moment to get back…

Pronoun and missing “to”: Same area, I is lowercase…and I replied to her by showing…

Something I learned is that most sentences in dialog have commas, not periods. It definitely takes some practice and getting used to. “Proficient blend of science and religion,” she told me.

Capitalization of Watching, should be lowercase, and consider the confusion of this sentence: who was in dismay? You or her? If she was in dismay, how can you tell through the Burka? If you’re in dismay, why?: …and Inferno in the other, watching her walking beside her mother in dismay.

E-mail me if you make some changes to this or rewrite it and I’ll come back and read more and offer a new review. It seems like a really good story that you’re telling here. I’d like to continue it and see how it ends. :)

Write on!
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Review of Sugar and Snaps  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
The imagery is great. I would revisit this and maybe help the flow of the images be a little smoother, but it was definitely an engaging and fun piece to read. A few thoughts:

Spacing (no space in original text after comma): ...midnight blue Crayola crayons, the sound of hoof beats...

Punctuation (possibly use colon instead of semicolon: ...the stuff of boys: snaps and...

Grammar (possibly remove the hyphen): A snap is quick, noisy, alive!

Word usage (possibly change audio to audible): A snap is visual, audible, and tangible as...

Overall, good short piece. :) Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is an interesting poem. Just a couple of grammatical things to fix:

1. There is extra punctuation in the poem that should be removed and there are extra spaces in some places. For example:
"Can we love like him?."
to hold , console

2. It is a little awkward with the quotation marks. Are they necessary? They aren't standard throughout and kind of distract from the poem. Maybe consider removing them.

3. Maybe consider restructuring some of the sentences. For example:
Can we love like him, to let light from the sunshine into our souls?

and

Can we love like him, to care, share?
To hold, console, to nourish our hearts and minds?

Or

Can we love like him, to care, share,
to hold, console, to nourish our hearts and minds?

Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
4
4
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
There are a few grammatical errors and such, but it seems like a good story. :)
5
5
Review of "One-Track" Mind  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nicely told. Great story. I appreciate you sharing. Cheers!
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Review of Alyssa  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like the positive message you give in this poem. I didn't care for the curse word but I understand why you used it. I think that this is a good poem and that it has a strong message. Great job!

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Rated: E | (4.0)
The un-slightly fur cloak she wore to disguise her size was beginning to make her sweat and it’s weight was starting to drag her down.

un-slightly should be unsightly: unpleasant or offensive to look at; unattractive and it's should be its, since it's means 'it is' or 'it has' and its is a 'possessive form of the pronoun it' and is used to 'indicate possession, agency, or reception of an action by the thing or nonhuman being spoke of'.

I must hide! She thought frantically.

You might want to format these two sentences differently. i.e. I must hide, she thought frantically. The exclamation point is unnecessary since the 'frantically' gives the sense of urgency.

“Allerleiruah.” The woman replied swiftly.

We know her name now so 'the woman' is not needed. It would work better if you replaced 'the woman' with 'she'.

As she walked she stirred the soup, quite suddenly her ring slipped off her ring and into the soup.

'Ring' is mentioned twice when I believe you meant to say 'finger'. Just pointing it out to you so you can edit it.

“I do not know.” Allerleiruah replied, trying to remain expressionless.

“Do you indeed?”

You might want to put 'not' in the sentence somewhere. i.e. "Do you indeed not?" or "Do you not indeed?"

FINAL THOUGHTS

I really enjoyed this story. The errors in it are grammatical mainly. I think that you have a great story here. I would love for more detail to be added at the end because it seemed rather rushed to me but that is how fairy tales often are. Well done.
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Review of Its a Chick Thing  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
SPELLING:

Luckily for me, today I had gum and that meant I got to see Scott Burns

gym

PUNCTUATION:

Today like many other days was a beautiful fall morning and I knew that HE was going to be there.

Remember to use commas to break up a sentence. "Today, like many other days, was a beautiful fall morning and I knew that he was going to be there."

DIALOG:

When Scott left and I stopped melting, I went to Prisca and she said “don’t worry about it.”

It could be better if done as an actual statement, rather than a passive comment in a sentence.

When Scott left and I stopped melting, I went to Prisca and she said, “Don’t worry about it.”

If you're going to leave it within the sentence, place the period outside the quotation mark.

Same here, Prisca must have noticed because the next thing I hear was her saying “hello Earth to Tiffany?”

Prisca must have noticed because the next thing I heard was her saying, "Hello, Earth to Tiffany?"

You may not want to make this a question. An exclamation point or period would work better, I think.

Also, it's entirely up to you if you want to capitalize Earth or not. Personally, I wouldn't unless I placed an exclamation point or period after 'Hello'.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

All in all, I feel that this is a good start to a story. I'm sure you're going to work back through it to give it more detail. That is how I write. I get the basics down on paper and then I add meat to the bones, so to speak, and I keep doing so until I'm satisfied.

You might want to try telling this story in third person, too. Just to see if it flows easier. First person tales are great but they can be a little difficult to capture a person's attention.

I will check back again to see how you're progressing. Let me know if you have any questions. If I can't answer them, I'll direct you to someone who can.

Cheers!
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an awesome idea! I intend to begin scouting out new writers immediately. You'll be hearing from me soon!

Cheers!
10
10
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nifty and helpful. I've added my URL to my email...I actually did so awhile ago, but recently I added my blog URL with a message that asks: Do you blog? I do! and then the URL. I don't know if many folks have viewed it but I have received comments on it. *Smile* Have a good day and thanks for this site and all your constant work!

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Just recently, I recall something whispered in my ear years and years ago. Like the thick, contaminated sludge under logs, it rose to the surface and I am struggling through it again.

"Your father didn't want you. He told me to abort you."

My mother and I have a complex relationship. I love my mother to death but nothing I ever do is good enough for her. It pains me to think that not only do I fail my friends, I fail my family as well.

Even now, I sit and think to myself, "How I wish I could take it all back. How I wish I could be different."

My father is an alcoholic, my mother is angry and I am a writer. LOL. That is how I survive. That, and my relationship with God. If I didn't have Him in my life, I would have lost the battle long ago.

A lot of people don't realize that what they say can hurt and that they pass on a legacy of hurting others with thoughtless words and actions. I am not the nicest person and, though I don't blame my mom, I can see a lot of the attitude I possess in her.

My parents divorced, my mom lived with an abusive boyfriend who later abused me and then after all that she married him. She and I butt heads constantly. Does she love me? Yes, I believe she does. Do I love her? Yes, of course. But the wounds are still there, despite the years.

I pray for God to heal the inner wounds inflicted on me in my youth. I hope that one day I can look back on my childhood without a tear in my eye but even today I am weeping.

I pray that you find peace and acceptance in the arms of God and that you realize that you are special, you are talented, loved and needed. You are His Daughter. Write on!
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12
Review of Island Prison  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You have been reviewed by JulLeeDragonWrites a.k.a. DragonWrites~The Fire Faerie~ Author IconMail Icon

Grammer
her eyes had been sunken and weary; and her face etched with age and anger.
Maybe you should remove the semicolon here. “her eyes had been sunken and weary, her face etched with age and anger.”

Between his bulky armor and his helmet Derlin thought as he looked at his hands.
The wording of this sentence makes it seem as though it is an incomplete thought. Try changing it.

My hands are locked to the wall, they kept him barred to the wall by a large metal ring and his future.
You jump from first person to third person here. If it’s a thought, italize it: “My hands are locked to the wall. They kept him barred…” OR if it isn’t a thought: “His hands were locked to the wall for they kept him barred…”

they kept him barred to the wall by a large metal ring and his future.
Confusing. Consider changing the wording.

asked,”What’s her name?”
Missing a space. “asked, “What’s her name?”

The smell of oil met his nose which nearly gagged him and he felt a push, and the guards led him down the ramp into the dunes.
Consider adding commas here: “…met his nose, which nearly gagged him, and he felt…”

“Yeah i guess...Let him suffer in Guterland.
Capitalize.

fired three rounds into his partners chest,
Missing apostrophe. “partner’s”.

Spelling

The rocking of the Lee-er Prison Ship disrupted his moment
Do you mean “this” or “the” here?

Overall comments/suggestions

Looks like a good beginning to an interesting story. Not really my cup of tea, normally, but I didn’t mind reading and reviewing it for you. I think this holds great promise as a captivating story.

I would double space between the paragraphs to make it easier to read. Write on!
13
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful site full of wonderful information and lots to do! Now, if I can only find the time to do it all! LOL.
14
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Rated: E | (4.0)
These kind of stories aren't my cup of tea, per se, but I found yours interesting. There are a couple of suggestions I have, though.

I had been in the sofa room of the residence of Chapwill engaged in a logical argument with Sean when Mr. Kettle Colding interfered by his arrival.

You might want to change the wording here. Trying something like: interfered with his arrival or interrupted with his arrival.

Accustomed as I was to perceiving the entrance of Chapwill, this greeting we received encouraged me to no agreement to the proclamations of my friend who indulged his focus upon the sofa.

What? This sentence completely and totally lost me! *Bigsmile* Maybe it's just too sophisticated for me...

Upon completion of this work, I noticed that you said 'said' far too often. I recommend viewing "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and then reworking this piece with new words. Maybe try to say 'said' only once. I have the same problem. I get so frustrated when I read my own work and see said repeated twice. Argh!

Otherwise, I think this is a good piece. Good job and write on!
15
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Rated: E | (4.5)
To mis-discover way

This confused me a little. Is this a way of saying that they lose their way? Just curious.

Otherwise, this is a good poem. I like the short length of it at the same time I wish it were longer! I wouldn't add to the length of it, though, because I feel that would detract from the work.

Well done and write on!
16
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful!

This would be a great children's book! I was smiling and chuckling through the whole thing. The title captures the attention and you maintain your hold throughout the whole story. What I wouldn't give to write a children's story like this! I honestly don't believe this work is getting enough attention!

Well done and write on!
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Review of Shopping  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
There were a few spots where you missed the double spacing. Nothing major but you might want to go back through and fix this when you have time. *Bigsmile*

The fact that the exact same scene repeated every Friday night never gave him the hint.

I would try a here but that is a personal preference so don't feel you have to change it.

I wonder why he didn’t complete the sentence with something like:

wondered since the storyteller seems to be telling the tale in past tense.

I frowned. Sadly and unfortunately, I frowned. My face could not have appeared any sourer than at that minute.
Just when I thought I had it all, just when I knew I could indulge in my favorite and --oh!so--rare pass-time of reading all the labels of face creams, rejuvenating masks, and the likes.
Just then, someone was stopping me and calling my name.

I would work on this paragraph. It is a good start but it doesn't seem to flow as easily as the rest of the piece. For example: Cruel mockery! Foul twist of fate! For, just when I believed I had it all, when I knew I could indulge in my favorite and --oh! so--rare passtime of reading all the labels of face creams, rejuvenating masks, and the likes at last, someone was stopping me and calling my name.

As I looked at him smile and kissed him to greet him

in greeting might flow a little better here but it's your call. *Bigsmile*

decided to space our meetings

Might want to reword this or explain a little better. "We decided to spend some time apart" or "We decided that we were seeing far too much of each other" or something like that.

You have a story with great potential here. I think you could suffer to add a bit more detail (oooo how I loathe detail) but it does make the story so much richer. That's what my reviews constantly tell me, anyway. *Bigsmile*

The last line made me laugh. Write on!

Oh, yeah...I'm going to return your auto reward of 75gps with this review...just because. *Bigsmile*
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Rated: E | (5.0)
One of my greatest terrors is Plagiarism and I liked how you vented your frustrations in this piece. When I was in fifth grade, I wrote my first short story. I had been dabbling in poetry before then but this story came to me from a picture I doodled then wrote around. Anyway, my teacher pulled me aside and said, "Do you understand what Plagiarism is?" I shook my head and she continued, "It's when you take someone elses work and claim it as yours." I had no idea what she was talking about so I just stared at her. She said, "Julie, did you write this?" I replied, "Yes." She looked skepitcal but gave me an A+++ (really!) and I took it home excitedly. I showed it to my dad. "Julie," he asked. "Do you know what Plagiarism is?" I nodded because at that point I did know. "Did you copy this from someone else?" I shook my head no. Therein spawned my fear of someone stealing from me. Looking back, I reread the story and thought it was very juvenile (of course, as I said, I was in fifth grade) so I wondered, how in the world could they assume that I copied someone else's story? As time passed, I began to think that they thought I 'abridged' a greater story to make my own, not because I was terribly clever, but because I didn't want to handwrite a whole novel. Every item posted, I quiver in fear. Thanks to the great people at Writing.Com, I have become more confident in my posting. I always envision, though, in the darkest corners of my mind, that one day, I will be in court, fighting to prove something is mine. If anyone ever Plagiarised me, it would feel as if a part of my soul was cut out and burned. Sorry to talk so long but I really appreciated your article. Thanks. *Bigsmile*
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Review of Captured Images  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good and I must thank you for completing the assignment. I have yet to submit mine but I shall do so soon. Thanks again and I enjoyed it greatly. I am traveling to New York next year...hmmm...

:) Thanks again and look forward to a group email coming your way soon. I'm giving you back your 75 gps plus a gift of 100 gps.
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Review of Family Reunion  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading your piece on the 2004 convention. I read these and smile, feeling as though I were there and wishing that I had been. I have no idea when I'll be able to attend a convention but I always feel like I get to know the people through the talented writing of members. I guess I'm say great job but even those words don't express how well you expressed the emotions and happenings at this years convention. Write On!
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