Wow, this is a great poem. I love your ideas here and think it has a lot of important messages for your readers. With some polish I think you could, and should, get this one published.
A few things:
1) Having seperate stanzas would be very helpful in this poem. It would break it up and help seperate thoughts in a way which would strengthen each.
2) baby mama's should be baby mamas or baby mamas'
3) go through and edit for words that do not add o the poem in order to tighten it.
I hope to see this published and polished one day. Great writing!
Julie
Good work! I thought this was an interesting start to a novel. It gave enough detail to interest the reader without rushing the pace. I felt as if I was begining to form an image of the character and he seemed pretty consistant.
The tone of the chapter was interesting, almost mellow and juxtaposed against what you would have assumed would be excitement to be released from prison was interesting. I wonder if we might not be helped with a little taste of ambivalence about being released.
There are a few various grammar issues throughout this piece but with editing should be fairly easy to work out. The biggest issues I had with this chapter were 1) the use of complex vocabulary doesn't work well with a prison piece. While it is a good idea to vary word choice be careful of using antiquated and obscure words like peurile (would juvenile work better?) and 2) sometimes you get a bit wordy with description, in the case of the guy stamping the papers you use multiple phrases one after the other to describe the same thing about him. This is too much.
Overall this is a good start to your story and I look forward to reading more!
Julie
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