A very good start to a novel. You have great characters and a good feat to over come. I did notice a few things though. I just thought I would point them out for you.
I knew something was wrong. But I don't want question her. I'll find out soon what it was though.
The first sentence is in pass tense, then the other two are present. Switching tenses confuses readers and pulled away from the seriousness of the story.
Ansley told me to just knock once and then walk in.
You don't need to write "and then" in a sentence like this. They can stand on their own. Ansley told me to just knock once then walk in.
or Ansley told me to just knock once and walk in.
Putting both just makes the sentence a little cluttered.
It hurt me to see my friend so upset, but I knew that there was nothing that I could do but help calm her.
You use 'but' twice in this sentence which makes it cluttered and a run on sentence. It could easily be broken up into two sentences to save confusion. It hurt me to see my friend so upset. I knew there was nothing I could do but help calm her.
Overall, excellent start and I hope to continue reading very soon.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mourningkisses
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:11pm on Dec 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.