I enjoyed this. It has a good premise and has an easy flow for the reader.the lead has more of a superhero feel to him, rather than a god, but it fits and from The way it is shaping up it looks like that is being addressed by having another person be the"figurehead ". U will be coming back to this to see how it progesses. The only thing I would suggest, and it is only a suggestion, perhaps where it says my brow furrows perhaps I furrow my brow as body parts don't tend to work autonomously...though perhaps for God's they do! Best of luck and write on!
I loved the character development here, you get a good sense of what Maggie is like straight away.
My thoughts
I loved the mischievous nature of Maggie. The way her first instinct was to blame the brother( brothers and cats are always good for it!)was well handled, as she didn't come across as mean.
You get a good story told well in very few words, a wonderful job all round.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
I liked the way that you develop all the main characters here, which is what a first chapter should do as far as I'm concerned. You have a good collection of personalities too, which allows for the different reactions to the situation that isn't always possible for one person to achieve ( one reason to have a few folk in fantasies, you can't have the brave warrior bursting into tears at the drop of a hat for one thing)
My thoughts
I enjoyed this, you set up enough interest and intrigue to get the reader interested in what happens next. As I said the characters are well developed and that means that you can care what happens to them already. A good start to something better.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
I liked the way you draw the reader into the domestic setting, it feels natural. You provide strong characters and for the most part the story follows a good, logical path.
Suggestions
As always these are just my suggestions, please feel free to ignore them.
That was that of our argument. this felt a little awkward, perhaps That was our argument.
Neither me, nor Ryan is really too and this bit too, perhaps Neither me, nor Ryan, are really any
go to the verandah I think this should be veranda
smile at my naieve-ness. I think perhaps this should be naivety
A weak before she faced that accident Myley broke down. I was a little lost with this, what accident did she face? Also it should be Week not weak! ( I do this all the time with this sort of word
inexplicable once saw her cry perhaps inexplicable. I once saw her cry
Overall Impressions
On the whole this is a good attempt at an emotional story, there were a few moments that where confusing for me, such as the accident. It was mentioned briefly, almost in passing, and left me wondering what sort of accident was it, was it meant to make us think that it was a suicide only referred to as an accident? If so why? I also got a little caught up with the narrator's gender, I assumed from the intro that it was a man, though there where one or two bits that made me unsure on this. But that isn't really important, it was just to help me picture the characters in my head. As an emotional tale of lost love, both romantic and friendship wise it is good. You show the lasting effect that people have in our lives, no matter how briefly they are in it. The end was good though I doubt I would have been so understanding about Ryan's attitude, he made it sound as if Em was his second choice all along, which would have added to the guilt that Em seems to be feeling about Myley's death. Again this is probably just me. Don't be disheartened by the stars, this is a good story that has the potential to be a great one, I wish you well with it and would be happy to have another look anytime you need a fresh set of eyes on it.
Thanks for sharing. Keep it up!
This is an endearing wee tale that captures the way that everything is life and death with the youth. It was well written and had a good flow to it.
Suggestions.
just a wee one,
my blessing a helpful perhaps my blessing and a helpful
Over all impressions.
On the whole this is a good tale that gets into the mind of the character, it followed a logical path and though this is not my usual taste in tales it was good enough to keep my attention! Ratings and genres are all good to so a wonderful job all round.
Thanks for sharing, keep it up!
This is hard to judge without the music, that said I think it gets the message across well, it has a good rhythm and it tells a story, which appeals to me. It always made me laugh when folk were cast out because they were considered too smart (nerds I guess) as in todays society they are the ones with all the skills needed to weather the changes. You get that sentiment across well here so a great job.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
I loved the topic of this! The questions were good ones too, there was one I wasn't sure on, but that last song wasn't familiar.
My thoughts
I had a lot of fun with this, I didn't know there were any others out there these days. I'll let you have Jon as long as I got Dave! A great wee survey that deserves the stars.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
As with the first chapter this was well written and continues to follow a logical course. The characters are three dimensional, and it is easy to feel compassion for them.
My thoughts
This is a good continuation of the story, I like that you didn't have them go to town to sell things off, some folk may not have known that they would already been wanted, as it is likely the soldier was there under orders. I get the feeling that you have done your research on this at some point and it adds to the story. The way he burnt the house down seemed an act of defiance than an attempt to cover their tracks too, better destroyed than in the enemy hands. All in all this was a good chapter, building up the characters and setting the scene for the voyage. I will try and get to the next one soon as I am enjoying it a lot.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
I liked that you added colour to this, many don't think on using it to enhance their words. The flow was good and the rhyme seemed to come naturally.
It was error free too as far as I could tell too which is always an added bonus.
My thoughts
This is a good poem, I know how hard it can be using son lyrics in a poem, especially if it's a favourite one as you tend to get the tune stuck in there, try using a few of them at once and it gets interesting! You managed to make this you own though, you capture the uncertainty of a new relationship well, especially in modern society where one night stands are considered the norm, it can be daunting meeting someone new. A good job all round.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
This is a very descriptive tale, you use it well to set the mood of the story. It is well written and follows a good path, you set the scene for future episodes with this one which is what is important in a first chapter.
Suggestions
Just a few wee bits, feel free to ignore them.
left of it laid Séamus I think this should be lay
It was a discussion they had all too often any more. I was a little confused here, perhaps It was a discussion they'd had all too often.
his land to pass to his son Again this was awkward with what followed, perhaps a little word rearrangement, to pass his land to his son,
cradle over turnedI think this should be overturned
I'd also suggest perhaps changing the figures here (3 times, 5 times) to the written form, though this is a wee quirk of mine so feel free to ignore it, and I'm not to sure on the tissue in this, 'dead, blood, tissue, and fragments of his skull' there isn't much in the head and it wouldn't effect the sentence to remove it.
Overall Impressions
On the whole this is a good start to your novel, you introduce the main characters well and show a valid reason for why he has to go against tradition and leave Ireland. It makes a nice change from the potato famine which is often misrepresented! I did think that you glossed over the historical side of this though, you didn't really mention some of the atrocities that would have been known to the family, the reason that they were so feared, though I appreciate that within the rating that would be difficult, as well as risking bogging down the pace. You did get a good pace going here, and it followed a logical course, the tale looks like it is building up to be a good one. Rating and genres seem fine too so a good job all round.
Thanks for sharing. Keep it up!
This was a good dark tale! It was well written and error free as far as I could tell, which is always a bonus!
My thoughts
I'm afraid I'd be with the main character ( not sure if it is you or not!) giggling in the bathroom! I think every workplace has one of them, it seems to be compulsory. I have a whole room of them, though they tend to just yell at each other across the room so at least it's not squeaky! If I was to suggest anything it would be to perhaps take out the second 'away' at the beginning, ( don't think the second floor would even...) it isn't really needed though I have a thing about repetition so feel free to ignore it. On the whole though this was a good story about everyday life that all of us can relate to on some level. It followed a logical path and had a nice dark humour going through it, so a good job all round.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
This is a good read, you give all three points of view and allow us to get a glimpse of what is going on in their lives. I liked that you used Gods instead of God, it covers all faiths that way!
My thoughts
I think the idea of this is a good one, I think I'd be with Leo though, it would be too hard to accept someone so alike the one you had lost, especially if you felt guilty about it. I can see her side of it here, which is nice as it's not an avenue I'd explore. A good wee read.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
I liked the description of this, your characters are well developed and realistic. Suggestions
Just a few wee bits, feel free to ignore them.
you’re great help. Emma I think this should be you’re a great help. Emma
you can quite calling should be quit
the room the catch the rainwater I think you missed something out here!
Overall Impressions
On the whole this was quite a good family tale, it's not my cup of tea but I found it to be well written and full of imagination. I didn't understand why Mr Keller wanted her to impersonate his brother but then Emma wouldn't have known that either and since this is in first person I'm glad you didn't slip and tell us! Rating and genres seem fine to me too so a good job all round.
Thanks for sharing. Keep it up!
I liked the way you worked with the prompt on this, a different take on what many would have gone with, you had just enough fantasy in this to make it intriguing. Not an easy feat in so few words!
My thoughts
This made me glad I'm a little paranoid when I travel, even if only one bus stops at a particular stop I check it's the right one! This was a well written tale, the twist was good and I liked the humour in this, I think I have read a little on Purgatory ( the ski slope one!) and think it good you slipped that in here. All in all a great wee read before bed!
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
I liked the honesty in this, it all had a very familiar ring to it!
My thoughts
I could relate to this well, apart from the out-going part, I think that's the inner me. ( one day I'll let her out to play!) I'm learning the world won't end if I don't log on to my machine, the way it's been behaving lately it would probably go a lot smoother in fact, but you sum it up well here, it's very much like an addiction that can detract from the to do list. I've started using it as my reward for doing the little bits I should do anyway! A great wee piece that shows what a few of us have found, this place is addictive.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
The last one! I've had a thoroughly wonderful time here, I'll have to thank your secret pal!
Again this has your sense of humour all over it! I like how you describe this day, it sounds like someone who has been there. As always it was well written and had a good logical flow to it.
My thoughts
This incorporates my personal pet hate, Mondays, I don't know why they are so bad but they are, I already suspected it had to be a Monday after the alarm clock bit. I think you made a good job of the prompts and they went in the story well, had you not highlighted them I wouldn't have seen them as anything unusual. ( I know you have to show them like that so it's not a criticism!) Another great wee read.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
This was very funny and well described, you do a lot with so short a space.
My thoughts
If it's any consolation I'm with you! Golf is just one of those things I can never get into, the only time it was entertaining was when we watched some golfers while at Harlech in North Wales, and that's only because a fellow student was doing a mock commentary on it! At least you can honestly say you gave it a go, I for one am glad you did because it meant you wrote this! A great wee tale of trying anything once.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
Your second of five reviews! For Sommerlund and the Kai!
I think the imagery in this is great, you get a good sense of character across too, you have maintained the most important aspects of him, which can easily be lost in a re write. The humour is well handled, it's gentle enough not to detract from the serious side of this story.
Suggestions.
Just a wee one, not worth losing half a star over!
detail that would and stab them in a wee typo detail that would stab them in
Over all impressions.
On the whole I thought this was much better than the first one, I think you highlight how he saw his own funeral when he attended Leonard's and how lonely that he was. The end is great, not in a bad way! I'm glad with what he chose to do, anything else would have been for his benefit not her's and I get the feeling that was why he was there, to make amends. Ratings and genres were all spot on as far as I could tell so a great job all round.
Thanks for sharing, keep it up!
I liked the idea of this, it is nice to have a Vampire that isn't ashamed of himself.
Suggestions
Just a few wee bits, feel free to ignore them!
have many pretty tourist from a wee typo tourists
for what I am since I had no choice perhaps a comma here what I am, since I
leave on her lone. should be her own
delicious treat for even a small perhaps a semi colon delicious treat; for even a small
to ride carriage for perhaps ride in carriages, for
one just waiting down perhaps waiting just
and told to make perhaps and told him to make
I would also suggest adding some spacing between different speakers and new paragraphs. I notice this is also in the spot where you add the folder description, you may want to play about with that, if you create it in a book again, just under the brief description is a pull down that asks where you want it stored, your book folder should be on the list.
Overall Impressions
On the whole I thought this had a lot of potential, you have a strong sense of the character. I see this is to be a longer thing, which would work for this character. There were parts of this that reminded me of Lestat, which is a good thing! You have a good setting, you haven't given it a direct time which allows you a lot of scope, I took this to be quite modern, with the woman coming out of the pub, but not too modern as I don't think there are that many traditional pubs left in London itself though if you know of one let me know, please! I like that his quest is a simple one, to seek his soul mate, again it leaves a lot of room to manoeuvre in at a later time. A this is in your folder it doesn't yet have genres that I can see but Love/ Romance and Supernatural would be good ones to go for. I'd also suggest a slightly higher rating, perhaps 13+, I tend to go a bit over on mine though so take that as you will! All in all a good story that has a lot of potential to become something more.
Thanks for sharing. Keep it up!
I liked the passion that comes across in this, it is justified when up against so much horror. This never felt forced and flowed well.
My thoughts
It never ceases to amaze me the depths that mankind can sink, just when you think that it can't get any worse it does. I too have been alive for too many of these and I'm reasonably young, unfortunately the saying about one murder being an atrocity, genocide a statistic is all too true these days. We hear it on the news think how sad and continue in our lives. I've signed petitions and done wee bits, but it's never going to be enough, it seems as a race we are inherently flawed. A thought provoking piece.
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
I liked the style of this, there was a good rhyme scheme going on here, whether intended or not and a good rhythym too. I liked that you highlighted the sins, it made them easier to spot!
Suggestions
Just a few wee bits, feel free to ignore them, it's your story.
she left to the big city, to I wasn't too keen on the repetition here perhaps left for
and even more fame she started to strive I found this sentence a little awkwardly worded, I can see why you did it though, so perhaps and for even more fame she started to strive.
greediness, coldness I'm not sure on greediness, perhaps avarice
Overall Impressions
On the whole this was a great tale about how easy it is to slip into the sins without even trying. At first I thought this was going to be about how she found out that it takes more than a pretty face to succeed in the real world but this is so much better as it shows that with success comes responsibility, when everything is handed to you it is easy to take it for granted. You show the whole slippery slope theory here in a well written tale, you could identify with her, even if you didn't agree with her choices, perhaps because most of us would, of we are honest, have made them too. A great story.
Thanks for sharing. Keep it up!
Reviewed for "Invalid Item" [] by A Guest Visitor as was the last one, I should learn to read my own handwriting!
This is an inspirational story. You can really identify with the main narrator of this, feel her pain and her strength.
Suggestions
Just a few wee bits, feel free to ignore them!
myself, telling I was forced I found this a little off, perhaps saying
the rubble cuts all perhaps a comma here the rubble, cuts all
Overall Impressions
On the whole this is a powerful story. I think most of us have been there, thought it was the real thing only to have them turn around and say you were nothing but a diversion. The way you had her hearing what she wanted to hear after their first night was spot on, it seems we all do that. These and the style of writing all added to the believability of the character. The way she found her own strength at the end was sublime, a great job all round.
Thanks for sharing. Keep it up!
Reviewed for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor For Sommerlund and the Kai!
I liked the style of this, it had an easy going way about it.
Suggestions.
Just a wee one, ignore at will!
out of Babalon. Going out of Babylon A wee typo out of Babylon. Going out of Babylon
Over all impressions.
On the whole this is a thought provoking tale. It is true that these days those that follow a religion seem to be ashamed of it in some way, mainly because society seems less inclined to accept that some folk want to worship in a way that is different and partly because there are those that take things to the extreme. I didn't have a 'birthday' until I was about 5 which was when I had my first Christmas, I still have little time for either. That wasn't my choice though, it was my parents. I don't have any faith in anything, and admire those that can find comfort in whatever religion they can, what I and many others don't like is when it is rammed down our throats. I think this is an interesting tale, it shows the above problems well. A well written, thoughtful piece.
Thanks for sharing, keep it up!
I liked the humour in this, the rhythm was good and I'm glad that you seemed to lose the rhyme for the middle verse, what rhyme you have is good but it is better to drop it than force it. As it is this flows well.
My thoughts
I think the main reason I liked this was that it held a lot of truth to it, it does seem to be the way of things these days. I always considered it more an American thing but it had crept in over here in the U.K. these last few years. Our lawyers must have seen how much money was in it! I believe in choices so to blame someone else for those I make seems wrong to me. I think I'll stick with the old fashioned method of working hard though, at least I'll be able to sleep!
Thank you for sharing, keep it up!
This was an enchanting wee tale. A great mix of philosophy and fantasy.
Suggestions.
Just a wee typo,
so” I said. “I sure don’t! “What is it? as I said just a wee typo so,” I said. “I sure don’t! What is it?
Over all impressions.
On the whole I thought this was a well written, funny wee tale that gets a good message across. I won't give it away but I couldn't agree more with the old man! The flower's reaction was perhaps my favourite bit, such indignation can never be wrong! A great job all round.
Thanks for sharing, keep it up!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 9:22pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
