You have written a truly powerful piece. I know there is an attempt to dismiss the power of words, but we who utilize them to this extent are aware of everything they are capable of. And, especially how powerful those words are when we use them against ourselves.
I really enjoyed that your piece seemed to go from poetry to prose and then back to poetry.
It is amazing what you were able to do in just 100 little words. Congratulations on winning the contest. You definitely deserve it with this story. It's fun and a little scary. I want to know more about Melanie. And how is she going to get her tooth fixed now?
Thanks for the fun story! I very much enjoyed reading it.
First, congratulations on winning the contest. Second, what a cute and fun story. I loved the character development and I was laughing most of the way through. The date sounds like a real nightmare. I kept wanting to edit the guy's speech, it was completely annoying. Great job on that! It really showed what a complete moron the man was without you describing him to us.
Brilliant story. Thanks for the fun read this morning.
I think this was a very sweet and emotional story. I very much enjoyed reading it. And, I loved the phrase "liquid pain." What a perfect way to describe tears!
The part after the funeral got a little muddled for me, though. It took me a couple of readings to figure out what was going on. I think some more details would be helpful in that section. Or maybe if you name the two men? I think I was mixing up the angel and the grandpa.
Overall, this was a nice story. I liked it. Keep writing!
That was probably one of the most fun poems I've ever read! And, I can totally relate. I know I've stopped several times during my own writing and thought "what in the world am I doing to this poor character?". Those pesky backseat writers will get us into trouble every time!
I just love the way you presented it and then the way you wrapped it up. Thank you for such a fun poem.
Great poem! I can absolutely relate to it. I love the flow of the lines. The only one I found awkward was "and forget, then I groan as words flee and I freeze". I think there are too many words in this line and it would help your rhythm to condense it. My suggestion for the line is "and forget, I groan, words flee, I freeze.
Otherwise, I really loved it. Great job. I look forward to reading more.
I have to say, I'm not usually a fan of math (I was an English Major and Math is like a foreign language to me), but I really liked this. And, I can relate to it as well. It seems our lives are surrounded by chaos and we allow it in under the guise of work. Great job!
Wow! That is beautiful. It makes me think of a love that has gone stale, like the way that marriages do sometimes. Perhaps the poet is going through depression and feels alone and isolated from her (his) mate. I liked it a lot and I really don't have any suggestions for improvement. Excellent piece.
What a sweet story! I love the connection and as the oldest of three children, I can certainly sympathize with the struggle to gain a parent's attention. It does always seem like we're trying to one-up each other, even as adults.
And the incident with the "cherry" was very nicely done. I can see the other three girls standing around, red-faced, trying to control their laughter behind their hands.
I agree 100%! I think the real flaws make the characters real, and if the characters aren't real, then what's the point of telling their story. Who cares about Mrs and Mr Perfect in their perfect little world with their perfect bodice ripping? I want someone who I can relate to in some way.
By the way, I love your writing style. I was laughing out loud through most of this and shouting "yeah that!" to the rest.
What a great short story! I want more. I want to know who the woman is in the rocking chair. What does she look like? How did she kill Oliver? I'm assuming Oliver is a ghost, right? I loved your characterization. I think there are so many questions here that you could really add to this story and it would enrich it so much more. Of course, as it is, it's a wonderful tale. I was hooked from the beginning.
As I said before, my only suggestion for improvement would be to add more. I'd love to know who the woman is and who Oliver really is.
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