I don't want to make suggestions for correcting grammar, as I think that is part of the story; the fact that at least one of the characters mentioned is East Indian, yes? You mentioned a Saree.
I'm American, and therefore pretty ignorant in a lot of ways when it comes to much of what you are speaking of here I think. You say that we as readers should be able to guess what her profession is... and I can't. I truly have no idea. I have been in India, and I was warned away from a person I think you MIGHT be speaking of, but you can't be, because you aren't even close to describing the type of person that I saw while I was there, but as I said, I am American. LOL I can make only very small withdrawals from my reference bank of information in this category. Please help. :))
I can understand wanting someone to stand with on a dark scary night. I think that would be the case in ANY country, any place, any time, anywhere. Man or woman in this day and age actually.. but I get the message you are trying to convey.
I liked your story. As I have said before, I only rate the stories that catch my eye.. and they have to catch my eye quickly. I do not pause long on each. You did that. You caught me. I think you did a wonderful job.
There are spots I suggest you polish, such as replacing the "u" with the actual word "you". Other places I would find someone that is extremely familiar with English, that you trust implicitly, that could help you with your phrasing of words differently.
For instance "To my scary notice their stood a girl". Try instead "It startled me when I suddenly noticed the girl standing before me!"
In my opinion English is a pain in the butt, but it's what I grew up with. I noticed when I was trying to learn Spanish that the grouping of words made more sense, where they were placed, and so on like that. Maybe that doesn't make sense; I'm not a linguist. LOL I was told later though that English is the hardest language to learn, and unlearn. I'm not sure, as I said, not a linguist. I keep hacking away at Spanish. I'm determined. I have no one to speak it with though. So slow going.
If you are American and I have committed a faux pas, I humbly beg pardon.
Your story was very enjoyable, but a little hard to follow in spots, mainly where I thought that Endres was a person at first. ;) (Granted, that could just be me and my perception - lol) I caught on though.
Could you add something about how Mrs. Bouldrey adjusted to being able to dream as she does? That had to be a shock the first time that she did it!
Is, Jeremy, Michael Stover reincarnated? He is young enough, yes?
Would you consider your story paranormal also?
I always read more for content... so the only mistake I saw was here in this line:
“Good morning Jeremy,” she said as the paperboy slouched up the Boldrey’s driveway. “”How do like Endres?”
I think maybe you should add "you" after "do" in "How do like Endres?". I really have no room to talk when it comes to grammar and spelling. :) So most of the time I make SURE to ONLY read for content, but that one I noticed, so I thought I should mention it.
There is one other bit of advice I would pass on though. Instead of line by line form like you have it, maybe you could put your story in paragraph form? I think it would make it easier to read. I had problems following and I had to highlight as I went so I wouldn't lose my place.
Thank you for sharing your work! I think you did very well! Please keep writing!
I can think of a few times in my life when I could have really benefited from reading this. I hope you are able to publish somewhere. It is beautiful! Be proud!
I wish that every scientist working to discover alien life would read this.
It was very well written and kept my attention! I did not spot any errors, but admittedly I became entranced and stopped reading for anything other than to just enjoy the story.
On a whim, I wanted to look through the archives. I have the flu, and... well... any that has the flue knows that you look for anything to take your mind off of it, but this did more than that. This is beautiful! I could hear the song in my head! I could hear her voice an alto, or maybe a duet, and the man would be a tenor... Not country. Maybe pop? Just wanted to compliment you. The music overrides the words. :))
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/miriah
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 6:45pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
