First Impressions: This is a very beautiful poem. The transitions between words are very smooth, and absolutely nothing seems forced. It gave me a very gentle feeling, and definitely made me want more. The poem in itself seems just a perfect length, though. I honestly enjoyed this poem.
Working on Words: I don't particularly see any errors with what you've written. The vocabulary is very tight and sensual, the poem brings great images to mind, and can be read from beginning to end fluidly. There are two segments that I wasn't a big fan of, however.
petal invectives- her comments: I'm not sure about this, it just seems very out of place. I'd suggest switching to a semicolon to change the pause and make it a little more fluid. I do enjoy the contrast on words and similarity between lines with petal invectives/fragrant swords though.
surround us: rose petal: Again, I'd simply suggest switching to a semicolon for the same reasons. It's just the usage. A colon is used to signify a list, where as a semicolon relates two similar thoughts without using the full pause of a period.
Final Thoughts: All in all, I did enjoy your poem. It was, again, very beautiful. I enjoy your writing style, and would like to see more of it. Whether it be short poems like this, essays, or longer ones, I do believe you have a lot of potential.
To start off, I just have to say that I really love the title of this poem.
I don't believe I've read a poem about oogie-boos in a long time, but that's not a bad thing! It's very tight knit, and I did enjoy it. For the writing itself, this poem flows like butter. It's fantastic, and I always love a poem that can transition between lines like this.
This is a pretty good start to whatever story you're writing. I like where the writing is headed; it all flows fairly well. Likewise, grammar and punctuation seems to all be in place.
This is a weird comment, and I don't quite know how to phrase it, but some of the vocabulary seems out of place. Some more 'advanced' words seem dropped in there, and it's off putting. It's not necessarily a bad thing, there are just points in the chapter where the reading level fluctuates.
I do enjoy the overall message of your writing. I'd simply suggest to correct some spelling and punctuation errors, but other than that I'm with you on this. I'd like to add that the parallel structure in the first sentence in the second paragraph works quite well.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mikixeno
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 1:11am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
