Considering how helpful you have been to me, I was not surprised to find this a very well written, interesting story.
Did you have a word count limit for this or something? It's just it seems to me that the last "he'd get to the bottom of this" implied more to the story, at least a second chapter in my opinion, and there wasn't one. The story just stopped, suddenly, I would have loved to hear more.
You also left more questions than answers (though that could have been intentional) Why is Sej so used to fine clothes, is he rich, or some kind of royalty, perhaps?
I loved the mystery in this piece, I'm still trying to work out what comes next, even while I write this, your story has intrigued me, I would love to hear more.
If you want to know why I said what I said, feel free to email me. Hope to read more of your work, thank you again for all your help getting me used to this site and such,
Midnight Wanderer
A few improvements you may consider making. Firstly, your first sentence is very long. Might you be able to break it up a bit? "Kaylee's day started out like every other day of her life. She said bye to her mum and her mum ignored her because she was staring at a book." or something like that may work a little better, if you ask me, otherwise there are too many ideas jumbled together in the one sentence for my head to make sense of it.
The other comment I have is, I want more! Did she survive that day? If she didn't, then why didn't she?
These sound like interesting characters, and yet, as far as I can see, there is no challenge that anyone has to overcome. I want to see how the characters grow & change, what do they learn? Why is it called "The crazy cat girl" I haven't heard about a cat anywhere.
I love how easy your characters are to relate to. I got bullied in primary school, so I can relate to not wanting to go.
If you want to talk about anything I've said, or ask me a question or two, feel free to drop me an email any time,
keep writing, I'm looking forward to reading your next piece,
Midnight Wanderer
I love the feeling behind this poem, I could totally relate to the feeling of helplessness that is only held back by willpower and a tiny dash of hope. I've been there before, I think everyone has, at some point.
I loved the flow of the piece, it was snappy & sassy. Did you intend it to be a poem or a rap song? I think it could work as either if you so chose.
A small improvement you may wish to consider. I think if you cut out the word "life" in the second line it would flow a bit smoother with the rest of the piece
In my opinion, once you say everyday, people will automatically assume you mean life and "to escape from everyday situations" fits better with the rhythm you set in the first line.
I love the hope that is kindled in the last two stanzas, I found my hope and resolve strengthening. It reminds me of a quote I read once;
"Sometimes hope isn't a roaring lion, sometimes it's the little voice that says "you got this, you'll be fine""
If you want to talk about anything I've written, or why I said what I did, feel free to email me.
Looking forward to reading more of your work,
Midnight Wanderer
I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and say you love mysteries, for two reasons. Firstly, you wouldn't be writing this story if you didn't & secondly, your main characters are awesome!
My only slight sadness is that you don't tell me what anyone looks like! What colour hair does Banks have? What colour are Gillian's eyes? It really helps me picture a scene in my head if I know what everyone looks like. Even if it's a script, putting in descriptions of the characters now will help you remember what you were thinking if you go to produce it later on.
I also noticed that, while I loved the introductions of Banks & Gillian, you have also had them refer to others you haven't introduced yet, like Riley & T. I was a bit confused as to who they were & this distracted me from the main story. Though perhaps you were planning to do this in later chapters?
This story was so easy for me to read. I love strong female characters in detective novels and I can't wait to see what happens next!
If you want clarification or to discuss anything I've written, feel free to drop me an email.
Can't wait to read the next chapter,
Midnight Wanderer
A single word, and yet within that single word, a sentence, an idea. I loved that about your piece, a few words somehow expressed a complete idea.
I noticed you didn't have much punctuation, only a question mark after the last "what?". Was this intentional? I feel there are other question words, like the "where" in the second line, the "why" in the fourth line, and the "how come" and "why not" in the sixth and seventh lines among many others that sound like questions to me, and yet have no punctuation to indicate if you intended this.
Having punctuation would also give the reader a chance to breathe, which would make the poem easier to read. It could also give the piece more emotion. At the moment it seems to be all in the one "voice" which is okay, but changes of voice could make it more interesting. I may be wrong but I feel that the "Exactly" in the 9th line is intended to indicate agreement. Perhaps you might consider putting an exclamation mark after it to make it sound stronger.
I admire you for giving the poem so much meaning with only a few words on each line, it's a concept I may consider trying myself.
If there is anything I've written here that you don't understand, or if you want to talk about anything I've written, feel free to email me.
looking forward to reading more of your work in future,
Midnight Wanderer
I haven't run into an onomatopoeia based poem before, what a neat idea!
It could be even better in my opinion though with some slight tweaking.
In the first stanza you say "Mommy making pizza for her son in the oven" To me, that sounds like her son is in the oven! I don't think that's what you intended. Perhaps it would be clearer if you said "Mommy making pizza in the oven for her son".
You also change tense between some stanzas. In the first two stanzas you use present tense "Making pizza" "eating popcorn". Then you switch to past tense "slapped the boy" "fell to the ground" "the door moved" it would make more sense to me if you chose one tense and stuck to it "made pizza", "ate popcorn" (past tense) or "slaps the boy" "falls to the ground" "the door moves" (present tense).
I have never heard of a "tiffin box" what's that?
I loved the emotion in your poem, when you were talking about the teacher slapping the boy, my breath hitched and I winced in sympathy.
If you don't understand what I mean with anything I've written, or if you want to talk about it, feel free to email me.
I look forward to reading more of your work,
Midnight Wanderer
'wow! What a great piece that was Miki. It must have taken great courage to write from such a personal point of view, and experience.
There are a few things you may wish to do to make it even better, however, there are always ways for everyone to improve. in the third line you say "In the deep dark hole is where a monster lies" this could flow a bit better if you were to cut out the first "is where" or the "in" to make it read either "In the deep dark hole a monster lies" or "The deep dark hole is where a monster lies" either would work, in my opinion
In the twelfth line you say "your despise has no goal" I don't understand what you meant by that, Is the hole despising the person, or is the person despising the hole? It would be great if you could clear that up a bit.
I loved the way you personified the hole, by the end it seemed like a living, breathing nightmare being.
If you don't understand why I said what I said, I'd be happy to talk about it with you, just drop me an email, if you like,
Midnight Wanderer
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Did she survive that day? If she didn't, then why didn't she?