Radler Zpheitor's (merlack) Reviews

Radler Zpheitor

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810 Public Reviews Given

1,006 Total Reviews Given

1

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#3489060

Review of A Cold Death

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Nine of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem from: Cynaemon

Overall

I liked the simplistic nature of this poem as well as the direct approach it took in getting the poem's meaning to the reader. I have a few comments about a line format as well with some word usage, which are my only construction comments about your poem.

I do have some conceptional thoughts about your poem. I get that it is very simple but in your poem I only see what is happening and not why it is happening. I think if you had more why in this poem it would be more powerful. Or maybe the person walks out naked to get back to nature. or maybe it was their last devotion into gods arms. or maybe some little hint into why this is happening.

If you brought the why into this poem I think it might have a even bigger impact to the poems great ending.

Title

one of the construction things I would suggest is a different title. Or a title that shows off the "why" this person steps out into the cold environment. I do get this could be a cleansing of the snow leaving a clean life and going into a eternal life with god but I think the title as is contradicts this interpretation of the poem.

Structure

there are many things that I found to be repeating in your poem. for instance the first word of your poem could be taken out. I think this would create an even better voicing then starting with "pristine". Plus I feel that "pristine" is repeating the next line about the snow and isn't necessary.

I liked lines four and five but I think that having the air sucked out and life is too similar. I would change it slightly to some other thing that could be happening in a persons end in that type of environment,

remember when I said something about the structure needing a little tweak? I love how you end this poem. GREAT TOUCH! the only thing I would do differently is move "touches" to the last line. I think this does a few things.

1. it shows the passing of life into ______ (I put the blank because it is what ever you think it is but the "and" is the passing line because the "touches" is already in that new element/world)

2. I like the cliff hanger better with the "and" it really makes the reader want to know what is going to happen.

3. I had another reason but I can't remember what it is...

Randomness

there is a logistical issue which isn't that bad since it is a poem. I use to judge the Nightmare contest and people would tell the story then have the person telling the story die. This doesn't work to well logistically. However, poetry is a different monster and I think it is more acceptable.

I'M SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN JUDGING THE CONTEST. I'VE BEEN SICK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

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#3488478

Review of Fresh Snow

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Nine of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem from: Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

Overall

I like many elements of this simple poem. I think you did too much. Lets see what I mean by too much. I harp on many poems being too vague (even in my own poems I am too vague). In poems that are too vague usually people have terms which could mean many things. You have some words in here that are like that specially the word "unnecessary". There are so many reasons why something is unnecessary but in this poem you establish the walk as necessary in the end. So it seems a bit weird and vague in how you changed from one way of thought to another.

Now you aren't that vague in this poem except for a few words. In my eyes I find this poem to be over explaining. You might be thinking that there are few words to be over explaining. well I would disagree. Even though I think it over explains I think this poem is very good because of the last stanza.

try reading the last stanza as the whole poem. I think that does so much more for your whole poem then having the pretense of the other two stanzas. It is short powerful and lingers in the readers mind to try and figure out their own way of life.

So overall in short poetry I fine many things to be over-explained because you only have so few lines. It is a hard to write things without explain other things but sometimes you have to start in the moment or start without pretense or say things once without a reenforcement line to keep it within the shorter style of writing poetry.

Randomness

I would change "I've" into "I have" more so because the pacing seems better. I agree most of the time to have contractions in first person poems of this nature but sometimes they take out a syllable that is needed to keep the sound of the previous lines. Read the last line a few times "OUT LOUD" with the "I've" and with the "I have" and see if there is a difference in the rhythm of that stanza.

I'M SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN JUDGING THE CONTEST. I'VE BEEN SICK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE

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#3488391

Review of The Gray

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Nine of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem from: aphroditequeen

Overall

for me this poem was very cliche-ish. Writing about the relationship of darkness is a very common theme in poetry. Now this isn't what makes it cliche-ish. You might be confused so let me explain. The reason why this is cliche-ish is the method in which you talk about the differences of black and white and that you like gray. So what's the big deal? The poem persona isn't saying why they like the gray but more so that they do. This is less interesting. People like to hear about whys and hows. This poem I feel needs to be more specific and needs to show how the gray really makes the poem persona feel instead of just saying they are a gray person. Now there is another route in which this poem could be written (actually millions of routes but that is a different story). You could also have what you have and then have why you don't like either black and white and then have the third stanza explain what it is. In my poem "Invalid Item"

(I'm not saying your poem should be like this but that this is an example of having two comparison stanzas and then a concluding stanza on those two elements)

the thing about the comparison that I do is given a physical representation. I like images in poems so I might be a bit bias with this style but I think it is one of the best way to explain what a poet is trying to get across. In your poem you just say some things are black and some things are white but we doing know what these things are. I think if you get more specific in explain what exactly the poem persona is trying to say they are gray with than your poem will hit the readers mind much harder with that AHHH wow that is great feeling.

so overall I think you need to try and ween out the vagueness (unless you are trying to say everything is vague... then you have to do something completely different... HEE HEE HEE), get specific and not be too caught up in word play with rhymes. I'm not saying don't rhyme I'm saying don't focus the poem solely on the rhyme. Use the rhyme as accents to your subject rather than the driving force of your poem.

Randomness

Here is a fun thing to think about in regards to grayness: I love black and white photos, new ones and old ones. Black and white photos get their texture, depth, and shading from the degrees of light bouncing of the surfaces and how the camera takes them in. The thing is that the camera sees everything in a spectrum of gray.

I'M SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN JUDGING THE CONTEST. I'VE BEEN SICK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE

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#3485009

Review of Over There

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Nine of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem from: Franci

Overall

side not:

I'm glad you are happy to enter my contest and that this is your first poem for my contest but comments like that should come at the bottom of your poem or story. I'm not saying you should take these comments out because I actually like them but I think having them first takes away from the writing. Of course this is all my opinion and you can disregard it completely. HEE HEE HEE. On to the poem.

I like many parts of your poem but I also found many things confusing. I think it was the order of the poem that brought my confusion forward. The part that brought me to confusion was the second stanza. I'm not quite sure what you are talking about or what you might be getting at. I understand that poems can be written be written very confusing (you can asked the many confused that have read my own poems) but usually I can figure out what a poet is getting at and in this stanza I'm getting lost. Also, how you change what is going on in your poem from the second stanza to the third stanza. So I think you might want to re-focus the center of your poem and state more clearly what you are bring "over there".

I mean, are you bring your will to go forward? or your fight to make it to "over there" with the accomplishment? I think you need the reason in this poem to really make it hold together.

something that might help instead of saying what exactly it is they are bring "over there" is change the order in which this story is being told. What do I mean? sometimes... well actually often... the order of the lines can reveal a subject a lot better if re-organized. For instance:

"Blazing trails
Of snow
Ledges high and spirits low
Through the trees I wander

Near my bosom
I carry that which you request"

you can move things around many different ways:

"in the trees I wander
through Blazing trails
Of snow
Ledges high and
spirits low
Near my bosom
I carry your request"

or:

"I carry your request
through blazing trails
Of snow some Ledges high
my spirits low through

the trees I wander"

or:

Ledges high and spirits low
through blazing trails of
snow. I wander. Near my
bosom, I carry your request

there are many other ways in which you could write it and I think there are many better ways than the ones that I have here but those ideas are up to you.

So I think you need to center how you told this story in a more linear way in order to get the most out of your poem for the reader to understand.

Randomness

Most of all I think you could be more specific with certain lines. Specially with the lines in the third stanza. I thought those ones weren't close enough to the beginning of the poem which split the poem into two separate ideas instead of one complete poem.

I'M SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN JUDGING THE CONTEST. I'VE BEEN SICK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

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5

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#3484986

Review of Snowy

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Nine of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem from: wworsham

Overall

I like the idea you were trying to connect between the snow and marshmallows with the melting image of the black top or brown ground showing like when the snow is finally gone but... I didn't feel the impact of your poem which for me was the order of your poem. It is a bit rough trying to tell someone how to develop a four line poem and I think if I did it wouldn't help a lot of the great work you've done. So... I will just mention a few things in which I think could be done a little bit better to get your point across.

One thing I think this poem could do without his this little side comment of line one:

"...when I was a kid"

I understand what you are setting up here but where it is in your poem and how it it comes about I think it disrupts the whole impact of the poem. It isn't an awful part and you could keep it if you had it first like so:

"when I was a kid we didn't have snow blowers"

or:

"when I was a kid
we didn't have snow blowers"

(I like it better in two lines but it is your poem and you should do what you want.)

It might not seem like a huge change and you might think it kills the whole mood of the poem in how you are saying it but I think it works a little bit better.

The other thing that could use some work is the impact part. I think the association between the drinking the hot chocolate and the snow melting is a bit vague and you might need one more line to sum it up or to make the connect stronger between these two images. Also (and I said this in the beginning of this review) it could be the order in which you present the information above.

another thing you might want to consider is taking out some of the "We" beginnings to your lines. In smaller poems like this I think it is best to let the images to do the talking instead of the telling of the poem. I think it gets to be too much in this poem in having the we so many times. It breaks up the lines to single stop and start lines instead of a nice flow all the way through. I think you could connect the images a bit better with less words of "telling" direction and let the images do the work. For instance (a little bit different interpretation of the same poem but I'm trying to "show" the image movements):

snow sits
like marshmallows
on the ground
before the snow blower
melts swirls
of chocolate around

this might not be what you had in mind but I think you can see what I mean by the images doing the showing of the poem rather than the narrator.

Now I do like most of your narration because of the reflective mood. Specially with the remembering of the drinking of hot chocolate during a lovely school day. So I'm not saying to take out ALL of the narration of your poem but to take out some to let the other parts of the poem breathe for themselves.

Randomness

as I said before I think there needs to be another line or two to get your big impact at the end. To me I feel like there are two great images of this poem with a vary narrow bridge not quite bring the whole thing together for one complete poem. So search for those few lines or one great line and I bet this poem will really come alive for the reader.

I'M SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN JUDGING THE CONTEST. I'VE BEEN SICK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

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#3484895

Review of Snow Trek

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: 13+

| (2.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Nine of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem from: Mitch

Overall

I liked that you had a whole concept for your poem and that you didn't divert from it too much. I've read many poems on WDC and other places and find that many people vier off topic or try to do too much with few lines. I like that you didn't succumb to this away from your topic. Also I thought the ending was funny (I'm heartless... I know... but ohh well. HEE HEE HEE).

Your poem could use some work in the flow/rhythm and rhyme departments. It reads alright out loud but I think it could be a little less choppy. You might be confused at what I mean. the sounds that you use are very abrupt in the stop and go making points in your poem that stop when they shouldn't. Usually this is produced by a very rough consonant sound. For instance look at these lines from your poem:

"Frozen fears, tears stuck to my cheek,
my thoughts were bleak. I felt so weak."

I like what you are trying to develop with the sounds in these lines but they are very strong sounds specially going from:

"Frozen fears, [t]ears [st]uck [t]o my cheek,
my thoughts were bleak. I felt so weak."

these sound combinations all close together is a lot and it doesn't make it sound as what you are trying to portray. So I think maybe if you smooth out some of these sounds that come close together then the poem will find that somber key which would reflect the poems meaning in sound as well with words.

Also with having the double rhyme in the second line of this couple I have above makes the phrasing of the poem make the next part to seem like too much added information. Basically, the persona telling this poem is saying "I felt so weak" after they said their thoughts were "bleak" which is a reiteration of the same thing. It makes that second part not as effective in my mind.

Title

I like the title and thinks it works well in setting up your poem.

Randomness

In your poem you have a little inconsistency in the teller of the poems story. Like stories the narrator of the poem is very important and should be consistent throughout unless it is a really long poem and or a play in poem form like Shakespeare or something like that. In the third stanza you say "they" out of the blue when you started the poem with an "I" telling the poem. I think it will be an easy revision if you look back at your poem and change it to "I".

also I felt this poem could have been more specific overall. If you have more of how this trek feels: how the snow mashes down when the person pulls themselves by each leg to get to their destination. Or maybe the way their socks turned wet from snow entering their sneakers (that always annoys me).

Do not I'M SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN JUDGING THE CONTEST. I'VE BEEN SICK! THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

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#3473670

Review of Gossamer Touch

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Do I need a reason to review?

Overall

I think you have a lot of great lines in your poem and I very much like what you are trying to describe but I feel that your order needs a second glance at. Think less about telling what you are describing and more with just describing it. What does this mean? well your first line isn't needed. It is presented in the title. In the beginning of a short story you don't say "this is a story" for your first sentence. Same type of thing with your poem.

Structure

the thing that your poem needs work with is the order of the lines. I love all your lines but not the order. You need to mingle the first four lines and the last four lines (I didn't included your first line).

for instance I would have the first line be:

"One more day for the earth;
A graceful, porcelain hand moves across the fields"

or

"A graceful, porcelain hand moves across the fields
one more day for the earth"

If I started with that first idea I would end it with this lines:

";one more day renewed."

I would do this to make it more of a start and finish type of feel. or you could start with:

"one more day renewed"

so I think the best thing to do is take these lines on a separate Word page or whatever processing system you use and move around the lines to make a more story like description of your lines. so it isn't the picture and explanation but more so one poem put together.

Randomness

another option is breaking it up into different stanzas but the only problem with this is that I don't think there is enough description to hold it together in two different stanzas and you might need to add more description for the second one.

I hope I could help you out.

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#3446480

Review of Hurray..Its holiday

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Eight of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

some sort of holiday

poem from: murmurs from within

Overall

I have a theory when it comes to children poems and writing them. either write them for children or write them as if you are a child of that age which mean use their language and heavy rhymes or no rhymes but more so in their voicing. One great poet that I've read lately that does this is Andrew Fusek Peters

. he writes for children with dancing rhymes but he has some great subjects in there too which pertain to children issues. notice the fun in his voice in the way that he creates the rhythm of his children poems. Now he might use some complicated words but not really and the more complicated words he uses are more for sound reasons than meaning reasons.

now in your poem I feel that you have a great beginning with the rhyme and the title but once that fourth line hits you lost the child aspect of this poem with the word "gorgeous" and also with the "would haves" in this poem. You might think it weird that I point out this word combination "would have" but even in a child that is ten I think they wouldn't reflect in this way for the most part ( I could be wrong but I think they wouldn't)

I think you could take out that fourth line as well as the sixth line to make a better mood:

"And I get gifts and sweets
Not to say about gorgeous feast
Puddings and ice creams
Would have no limit"

"And I get gifts and sweets
Puddings and ice creams" <-- like this I believe you have a great child representation. However I think you forgot the child side of this poem especially in line seven of this poem which is very long and has the word "nuisance" in it. remember thing smaller as in words and as in incomplete statements to reflect the meandering mind of a child.

Title

YOur title is perfect and I think you could have stuck with this kid feeling poem a little bit more. just listen to some children especially if you have one. BUt listen to the child around its friends and not talking to you well that too to get the full range of their patterns of speaking.

I remember this one time I was working and walking my bosses dog. Behind the building there is a nursery school and a play area with an adjacent fence to the parking lot I was walking the dog. so near the fence the dog was walking around and a little boy came up to me and said, "I'm Darth Vador." and then I said, "Umm... Nice." then he ran off doing the things that four year olds do. I love the randomness of kids minds and wish I was even more like that. HEE HEE HEE. anyway use what kids give you and you will be amazed.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

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9

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#3446405

Review of Holiday Nothing

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Eight of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

some sort of holiday

poem from: Manda43079

Overall

I like the simplistic style of this poem as well as the repeating usage of the [g] sounds which I don't see that often or I haven't seen in a while. I specially like that line:

"Grown-ups and Grew-ups danced in a square,"

it is a great way of putting this issue out there and can mean a lot of different things to different people. The beginning might have been a little too much but it worked as well. I just thought the area surrounding this poem wasn't as important as what the people were doing unless you were trying to make a relation between the people dancing everyday celebrating every day as humans should be I could see this working but it also seems longish and out of place. Either way I'm not sure which way I like the best so that is something else all together.

Title

not a fan of the title. You could have done a lot more with this. I'm a bit too big into titles and I think you could have thought of a lot of other things instead of taking the prompt and sticking it on top of these wonderful words you created. So yes I might seem harsh but you did such a great job with the poem why do that to your poem. You got something great in your mind so USE IT!!!

Structure

there is only one line which I think could use some more words or a bit of a readjustment:

"Eating Fruitcake and dough-nuts, holiday faire."

this one is a little out of rhythm from your poem which is either the "dough-nuts" fault or the "holidays fault"

I would do this method of editing:

"Eating Fruitcake and dough-nuts, at the holiday faire."
"Eating Fruitcake at the holiday faire."

the [at] builds off the e[at]ing and the hard [t] and [a] in frui[t]c[a]ke which in turn moves into the word holid[a]y nicely. as it is right now there is a dead stop then "holiday faire" which seems a little odd to me.

I like your rhythm and I think you do a great job with it but I also think you could cut down some lines like so even thought it makes a change in the rhythm. However at certain times in your poem I think this is ok since you change the idea slightly. It is like a nice foreshadow for what is going to happen:

"Today is the day we celebrate nothing,"

"Today we celebrate nothing,"

I think this shorter line goes into those -ing words a lot better making them dance either in a irritating sarcastic way or a bouncy happy one depending on the reader of the poem. Either way the little switch in the length of the line makes a nice indication of what is coming up next.

Randomness

"fin." <--- why?

for me there isn't a need for this. Your poem should be your poem until the last word of the line. Unless this is in your poem I would take it out. Even if it is part of your poem I would take it out because I don't think it fits too well. Then again that is only my opinion which might be missing something because of my own biases. Good poem OVERALL.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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10

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#3446295

Review of Santa's Hope

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Eight of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

some sort of holiday

poem from: percy goodfellow

Overall

what we have here is some great word play and a sort of suggested topic but no real center holding this poem all together. there is one subject which you might be implying but I think it is very vague with the direction in which you took. This direction is the construction of Santa Claus as being a mythical being that is also holding a moral judgment on the people that believe in him. this issue about Santa is very interesting and I think a it is a great aspect of your poem if you are saying this but truly I am only making assumptions into the meaning into your poem because it is very vague. Vagueness is good at times but the vagueness in this poem goes too far away from any center leaving the reader nothing to grab onto. This is because you don't mention one key thing to make this thing complete. It is the what of your last two lines of the poem. What exactly didn't turn out that he wanted it to. I mean I understand that you are keep it vague for a reason and I'm guessing it is a play on how Santa hopes that these kids don't wish for something that he can't do but I really don't know.

Title

Maybe you could change the title to incorporate your subject a bit better. The only thing is that I think this would have to be a long title and I know that some people don't like long titles. Well... That's if you can't point out your topic in a few words which I'm sure you can.

Structure

you might be thinking that I am crazy or a moron for not knowing the subject of your poem. I am both but that is ok. I still think you could be a little bit more direct with this poem without ruining your great play on words.

maybe if you had more on what specifically was "dared or dreamed" we could have a better sense of this poem. I really don't want to suggested too much for this poem because no matter how I mention how much this poem is vague and not about much the little I can say on the writing of the poem since it was written very very very well.

So I hope you can figure out a way in which to make your subject some out better without ruining your great play on words.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

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11

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#3445236

Review of Somewhere better than my Aussie road

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Eight of "Invalid Item"

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This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

some sort of holiday

poem from: XxX[WalkingZombie]XxX

Overall

a really great visual poem with some great whooshing sounds from word to word through out it. There are a few things that you might want to mention but I understand this one thing will be hard since it might disrupt things. Many readers might not know you are from Australia so the won't get funny finish at the end of your poem. The problem lies in how you can mention this without hurting the sounds of the words already in your poem. The only thing I can think of right now is incorporating this issue in the title. Something like:

"better than my Aussie road"
"Somewhere better than my Aussie road"
"Away from Australia"

if you do something like this or something much better than what I could come up with it will make it more complete for the reader.

Structure

there is one thing that I think you could do to really make this poem amazing. Your beginning is alright but if you started your poem with this line:

"Traces of my home life float away,"

I find this entrance into the holiday is an import part for your poem and it is a great starting line. OR if you create another image off this "traces of home float away"

the thing is that it isn't just a good front line or actually a good ending line as well but it stops all the thoughts in general in my opinion. This is great for some parts of your poem but I think having it in the middle of your poem it stops too much. It would be a great third to last line too:

"Traces of my home life float away,
I'm laughing freely,
____________"

I can't give away your great ending so others will have to open up this poem and read it to get it. HEE HEE HEE.

there are so many things that I love in this poem. You have some great lines and images of this holiday relief but specially with that middle line that sort of stops this poem at an awkward point in the poem. also I think some of your other lines could be reordered a little bit. have some fun with it. What I do sometimes with my own is recopy the whole poem and just mix up the lines then copy and paste it again and change around the lines again and see how you can change the poems flow and meaning with what you already have. it is fun sometimes but always remember to keep the original just in case.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3445116

Review of Holiday

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Eight of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

some sort of holiday

poem from: Koyel~writing again

Overall

I felt like this was more like prose than a poem. It might have been the structure in which you used or something else in general. I think you could have focused a bit more on the sounds of the words instead of the structure of the thought you were constructing. I'm not saying you should throw out all grammar or anything like that but that you need to place some connecting sounds within the grammar structure to give a more tonal sense to the language rather than a more robotic sound of grammar. the feel of the moments isn't represented in the sounds of the words or the order in which you present these images in my opinion. I believe if you rearranged the order of the idea a bit many aspects of your poem will flow better overall.

Title

seeing that this poem is in the Fibonacci structure I think it would be better if you were all visual with this poem rather then narrating and using the image of what is going on. You might be thinking why I am point this out in the title portion of the review. Well... when you have a single noun title of this sorts and a poem length of this length I automatically think little if no narration and images to show the reader the holiday. And I LOVE the images of the carols and the pastry but it seems to get lost with this narration feel (like the one you have in the first four lines). Furthermore I think having the title inside the poem isn't the best choice because you want to describe or talk about this holiday and since you introduced it in the title you don't have to do it again in the poem which has a very limiting structure.

Structure

Now the structure isn't the problem for your poem and I like the images you use but I think you need more of the images or have it all images without any narration but nothing but showing to the reader. for instance:

"It's
time
for a
holiday,"

"my
tongue
licks the
rich topping"

"rich
and
creamy
pastry tops"

I understand the first example is still in narration. It works ok but I like the second one a little better. the whole reason in me giving you suggestions for the beginning is that the title is "Holiday" and I feel following it with the first four lines you have is restating the title which isn't giving the reader any new information about this holiday and even keeping the reader away from the holiday rather than connecting it to them.

Randomness

So more images for this poem and more concentration on the sounds of the words rather than the structure that the words are in.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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#3442060

Review of Flambe

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: ASR

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Seven of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write a poem titled: Flambé (but it can't be about food)

poem from: T.C. Abernathy

Overall

hee hee hee- with the words that you used it reminds me a lot of the song "light my firer" by The Doors. But that is mostly because of the sounds and the words you used. Anyway...

I thought this was morbidly funny and well crafted together. I really like how each stanza has different elements of the same thing. going from the liking to light things on fire, to lighting a bird on firer, and then having the skylark on firer which pulls all the elements together with that one name. So the center of this poem was great as well with how you designed it around repeating lines and words which tightened up the very well developed rhythm. So overall a very nice job.

I did think some of your lines got a little longish well really only one line the second in the last stanza. I think you can fix it up easily but you might be going against something you don't think of. How do I know this? I am psychotic... no wait I said that wrong but whatever. actually you have a very clear line by line pattern. your lines have their own ideas which is why you end with periods at the end of each line. soo the easy way to get ride of some extra words and fix up the flow is realize you can spill one line into another and still have it make sense. Some poets like to call it enjambment. I think it is a cool lucking word but I always forget how to spell it so it annoys me a bit.

here are your last two line of your poem:

"So he filled a Buick Skylark with gas and struck a match.
Poor guy, because today he would burn up and die."

I think you have too much in this middle line and the lower one as well and you can do some things to help out the flow of both. what I would do:

"he filled his Buick Skylark with gas and struck
a match. Poor guy, would burn up and die."

I added "his" because I took out "so" and I thought that would balance and push the [s] sound through that line. I took out "because" because I have a thing against it in poetry. I feel it gets in the way unless it is constructed around the right type of sounds. Some words are weird like that. Plus I thought it made the line turn out long. Ohh the other thing about the "enjambment"(yes I copied and paste it from the last time I wrote it) is that it pushes the reader to want to move on to the next line. almost like a cliff hanger. but they are all so great for changing meaning between two lines or changing the outlook of the poem.

other than that I thought you did a pretty good job with this poem. maybe some more senses for this poem would help it further. Like in the part where you are describing how he likes to burn things explain how he likes the smell or the taste of burnt food (plus that would be an awesome punch to my gut for making the quaky prompt)

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

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Keep on Trucking

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#3441477

Review of Flambé

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: ASR

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Seven of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write a poem titled: Flambé (but it can't be about food)

poem from: XxX[WalkingZombie]XxX

Overall

there are many things about this poem that I like a lot and there are a few things that I think you can tighten up or even do a bit more less. Some times I think you reiterate ever so slightly. This isn't a terrible thing to do and sometimes it is the perfect thing to do. In your case I think you usually say things very well one time and the reiteration of a point or the introduction of a point is over doing it slightly and not needed. It is that fine line between saying too much and not saying enough but you do say many things extremely well at least once and I think you need to not be afraid of rolling with those lines and not thinking you need to add to them. I love the tone of this poem. I think you could say some lines a little bit differently as I say which I will mention below but my most drastic thoughts for this poem is a different order of your lines which I will talk about a little bit lower.

Title

I can't say much about the title since I gave you the title but I can mention how you use the prompt title. Very festive and apparently a common problem way back when. The best part of your poem is the use of flambe at the end of your poem (even though I'm not a huge fan of the title repeating at the end of a poem). The reason why I like it because the "kick" and the "flambe" reminds me of a drummer playing that usual fill at the end of a cheesy joke. Im not saying it makes your poem cheesy because actually I think it pulls it together nice.

Structure

the structure is a bit of a problem for me because I can see this being done many different ways with the same lines. Let me give you a few examples:

"Mum had an idea for beauty,
this Christmas.
Plastic lights thrown away,
and something new came in."

"something new came in
this Christmas
mum had an idea for beauty"

"Mum had an idea
Plastic lights turned
into something beautiful"

"Mum had an idea
Plastic lights turned
into something beautiful
this Christmas"

"Mum had an ideal
of beauty,
this Christmas."

"this Christmas
mum idea-red"

there are many different versions some worst than others and others completely unnecessary. Just trying to get you to play with the idea of these lines cause I really like them but I think they could use some overall flow work and your third line could be less stoppish. I feel that in between "lights" and "thrown" there is a pause that is awkward for the line. it seems like there needs to be something else in between them. Or maybe it is the constance/vowel combination of thrown that derails the line a bit (however... I understand that you are from Australia and these words together could sound amazing but I am missing it since I don't have the same accent. If yes... I am sorry for my comment I made before.)

Randomness

as I said I like many things in this poem but I think you could do some tightening up to really make that ending hit the drums loudly.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

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#3435250

Review of For You, My Mom

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (1.5)

First off I'm sorry I took so long to respond but I've been busy with other things. The reason I'm not sending a full review is that I think this poem needs more work then you think. I think if you re-read some of the pointers I gave you in my previous email it will help you out more. Also if you have questions on what I said before feel free to ask. I have some more pointers and I'll explain a few things here to try and show you what I mean.

Rhymes: either rhyme or don't rhyme. You don't have a rhyme scheme but you randomly rhyme lines. Doing this type of rhyming doesn't help the poem. The reason for rhyming is to create a flow for the poem overall so the reader knows how to read it. Either way you go with the rhyming or not rhyming is fine by me but you need to pick one or the other.

Last time I talked to you about this poem I told you to be more specific. You know your mom well and your mom knows you well so you need to have things in your life that you've shared at the same time to help bring out the emotion in this poem. Without this type of emotion to the poem I feel it to be flat without feeling. Let me show you how or more so where you should be more specific:

There is no way to adequately say, <-- side note: take out "adequately" it ruins the simplicity and emotion.
Just how much you've blessed my life,

"There is no way to say
just how much you've blessed my life"

or:

"There is no way to say
how much you've blessed my life"

or:

"There is no way to say
how much you've
blessed my life"

or:

"There is no easy way
to say how much you've
blessed my life"

From the baby years,
Through all those tears, <-- give me an example of the tear years that you remember.

from the baby years
through bruised knees
and when ___ made my tears <-- the blank is a boy that hurt you maybe it's just an example.
fall into your shoulder.

Those hardest times, <--give me a hardest time. Make your mom remember them.
You're always there, <-- how is she always there? cookies and milks, Hugs, a quite conversation.

Half the time I find it hard,
To stop and say I love you,<-- I like these lines.

But I wanted you to know,
How much you've helped me grow, <-- how? I hope you are starting to see a trend.

words the end you end up repeating over and over not saying much at all. So I think you can cut it simplify it and let more specific issues and activities as well with things you love about your mother to fill up your poem.

Dig deeper inside and don't be so vague about the situation. It is your mom make her important with what she has done for you and don't blow over it with these vague usual statements. If you do even a little bit more of this I bet you will have a much better result than you have now.

I HOPE I COULD HELP YOU OUT

KEEP ON TRUCKING!!!

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#3430872

Review of My Own Tongue

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Do I need a reason to review?

Overall

this isn't really about your poem but sort of a weird finicky preference I have because of how the writing.com items are setup. You might want to hit enter a few times before and after your poem to give it a little more space to breathe. Not going to lie... Your poem looks squished. Actually, in this way I find it harder to read. I also like to give poems and short stories a lot of space to be itself without any outside distractions.

so yeah that isn't really about your poem in general more about the space where your poem lives.

I love the idea of your poem and thought you did a pretty good job but wish you actually wrote in the language a little be more without the repeating "I want..." I guess the way I view it is that you CAN write in your own tongue so do it. I understand you can't most of the time because you translate this is where I think you can add to your poem and refine the difference as well as your love for your own tongue.

what am I getting at?

well I think if you have the other language you work with in this poem and vocalize the difference in the spoken rhythm from your own than this poem would really be something to talk about.

I think if you actually write with words that have these sounds you mention your poem would also work better.

so not just missing the sounds as much as using the sounds a bit more with in the poem would be great.

I might be having a heard time with this poem as well because I don't know these sounds you mean completely which is probably why I would like to see more of the sounds in the poem.

I would love more after the "I want... statements." You have some great first notion but I think it would be nice to carry on theses thoughts a little more with some examples.

however overall I think this poem needs less explaining of the language and more doing with those explanation to really feel why you are yearning to feel that native tongue again.

so bring me some into this poem and really get down and dirty with those word sounds being produced.

One side thought:

you could even write the phonetics out in certain words if you like... I'm not sure it would help as much but it is an idea to work around.

Hope I was able to help you out!

Keep on Trucking

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#3429991

Review of The interesting thing about caffeine

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Four of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

caffeine

poem from: rosie_187

Overall

After I read this I laughed. I thought it was very funny. However, I think you could make it even better if you described the anger for the guy a bit more visually or have her anger shown on her person in some other fashion. I find that the middle of this poem is too "explainish" and that if you did this with their actions or reactions then it might have given an even bigger reaction to your poem.

I love the incorporation of dialogue in your poem and I think it sets the scene up perfectly but the middle as I just said doesn't give the ending the justice it needs to really pour it on him. Maybe I want you to dump the cup of whatever on him to see if he feels the difference of the caffeine. That would work great! or maybe you have him saying a few more things to bother her so that she gets to that point of pouring the cup on him. I'm not saying much more but maybe another line or two to really get this annoyer to his full potential of announce.

so reach down inside and find the core that this person might irk the poem persona and really have the reader feel annoyed too to want to through that WHOLE mug into his face.

I might be cruel but seriously it would be worth it.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

SORRY FOR THE ABRUPTNESS OF THESE REVIEWS I'VE BEEN SICK UNTIL TODAY

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#3429978

Review of Caffeine

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Four of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

caffeine

poem from: Helene - Missing being here!

Overall

Haiku and Senryu are often confused because they have the same formation but not the same subject matter which is the thing that separates them from each other. All that aside I thought you did a pretty good job in using the formation of the 5-7-5 syllables (well except your second line in the first stanza which is eight syllables instead of seven). I would take out the "soon" in the second line of the first stanza to have the correct syllable count plus most Haiku and Senryu do not have these connector words that often. In my opinion I think it works out better without "soon" in there.

I like the relationship between the smoothness of receiving all of the caffeine information about to come to the character and the feeling of calmness it portrays once the character actually gets the substance into their body. I think you could have done even more with these feelings in adding more of the five senses into this little poem. Maybe taking out the process of the coffee being made and have it all being sense ordinated instead to really get the reader to feel the coffee going down their throats and calming the senses. I also think you could have had this poem start with your "blessing" statement and closing with it to add some more togetherness to the whole poem.

I thought you did a pretty good job with this but could uses a little more too it to make it really stand out.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

SORRY FOR THE ABRUPTNESS OF THESE REVIEWS I'VE BEEN SICK UNTIL TODAY

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#3429958

Review of Nectar of the Gods

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Four of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

caffeine

poem from: Eddie

Overall

one nicety for the readers is to show or link the form of your poem at the bottom of your item. I usually tell all people to do this not just for me but also for the writer so they don't get odd questions about why they repeated certain things in their poem or to show the reader that their is a rhyme scheme that they might have not known. It is always good to add these things at the bottom of your item to eliminate form confusion.

now I thought you did a great job with this form. The flow is well done and it doesn't really feel like it is in a form except for the repeated line "Morning routine". I think this line hurts your poem more than helps it. I don't think it fills each spot it is in appropriately and the first and this line being the first and third makes the poem feel like you messed up or stuttered the beginning. I really like your poem except for your repeating line. So how do you fix this. You either need to fix the build up into the line or change the line which I think would be easier to do. Maybe make it the coffee or whatever substance you are getting your caffeine from. You need something that doesn't stop the poem making that second line seem out of place. I think this is my biggest concern well that and it not having enough impact at the end of your poem. It doesn't quite hold the power it needs to hold to get that idea through of your wonderful title.

So I like more of it than not but that line does take three lines of your seven line poem so it really needs to make the poem powerful enough with that repeating.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

SORRY FOR THE ABRUPTNESS OF THESE REVIEWS I'VE BEEN SICK UNTIL TODAY

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#3429940

Review of His Harmless Addiction

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Four of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

caffeine

poem from: XxX[WalkingZombie]XxX

Overall

to me this poem needs a lot more happening to have it have an effect on the reader. There are a few things I find confusing in your poem but it isn't that I don't understand what you are saying I am more wondering why you are saying certain things. Your poem brings up some questions: why doesn't he drink his caffeine earlier in the day? does late afternoon caffeine make him more sane than early morning caffeine?

Now for the more poetic end of things:

saying "anger" in poetry to be is a bit of a cop-out but I am a greedy individual when it comes to poetry. What do I mean by being a cop-out? well I think you could "show" his anger better than using the word "anger". Whenever you have an emotion or feeling in your poetry it is always best to not use that emotion but make it so the reader can touch it, smell it, taste it (which might work well for this poem), hear it, see it. You might be arguing in silent whispers behind your breath that saying anger clearly puts anger in the view of the readers minds. I would have to agree but I also disagree because anger can have so many elements to it. Was his nostrils flailing nose hairs or were his eyes blood shot or was his face red and all scrunched up with tension. These are the things you need to get your poems felt and read over and over as well with get your point across in a in-depth way.

Title

I wish I saw more of the addiction part of the title inside the poem. I didn't feel this part at all and I think if you had that element in there this poem would have been stronger as well.

Randomness

I think you have a nice skeleton in which to work on and really make better. You have the scene now make it blossom.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

SORRY FOR THE ABRUPTNESS OF THESE REVIEWS I'VE BEEN SICK UNTIL TODAY

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#3425402

Review of Times, They Are A-Changin'

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Three of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

"times they are a changing..." - Bob Dylan

poem from: Winnie Kay

Overall

A great comedic poem about the evolution of church rituals (that didn't sound too sociological did it... oh NOO my cover is blown). Actually, it isn't just the evolution of what is worn in church but also how a person might think about what others wear at one point in time influenced by the length of time the person started doing the ritual and more fundamentally their generational mind set within the culture (aka their age and destination within the culture)... AHH WHAT HAPPENED I might have passed out for a second.

most of my concerns of this poem are conceptional issues which might seem like I am showing my opinion in the matter but in reality I'm trying to stress the conception in which I think you are presenting. Basically if I suggestion something and that isn't what you meant by a certain thing don't worry so much about it. I'll discuss my concerns after I talk about the title.

Title

the title works but I think it could be more specific to what is happening in the poem. Truthfully (well in my area and in many others), this already happened years ago so you might need a different way to bring in the time frame. I know in some areas this could be happening now instead of long ago or a person could be realizing it now when it has been going on for years. I'm saying all this in the title section because I think you could say this in the title someway. How? I'm not quite sure but I think you can think of something.

Structure

As I said before my main concern of your poem is the conception of your poem or more so what you are trying to say and what you want the reader to get out of it. Let me start with a minor point in the second stanza which is more logistical than anything:

“Whazzup,” sings boist’rous disrespect.
‘You’re in a church!’ my eyes decry.

for these two lines I think the best approach would be this:

“Whazzup,” sings boist’rous disrespect.
‘You’re in a church!’ my eyes decry.

so basically take out the "dis" on the word "disrespect". You might be thinking to your self: he doesn't know what I am saying. The reason why you want to do this is to show the differences in respect between the poem persona and the boy on the cell phone. In other words he is saying “Whazzup,” to one of his friends and the action "sings boist’rous disrespect." is suppose to be describing the feelings of the person talking on the phone and not the people around looking at him. It is merely a story "point of view" which is neither here or there in a poem but would intensify the disgust of the poem persona in the following line that much more (It shows a nice generational gap as well).

the second issue is almost the same thing but concerns a much more deep rooted concern in what you want to portray in this poem. In the last stanza the poem persona thinks to them self:

"We’re all God’s kids, I recollect"

Now the issue comes up with the last line of the poem:

"To join my pew and disconnect."

the last line to me doesn't show this italics thought in my opinion. I would have said "reconnect" since they are all in church they are all getting away from regular life into the spiritual life. I think that is what "disconnect" is getting at. HOWEVER, reconnect works differently. the notion of "god" and "church" in my opinion is a daily thing (more of a way of acting in your life then moments of rituals- but not for me since I don't believe in God so for the people that do believe in God). The reconnect would be more so the poem persona remembering they are a child of God and that they shouldn't be judging what others are wearing making a nice ironic twist. It will also mean that the person is over the whole clothes issue and decides to reconnect (the religious way) with their younger child counterpart in remembering they are the same. So I think these minor little switches changes a lot within your poem.

Basically the influence of words are addressed from their connotation and denotation which means that the word you are using my have a certain presents attached to it because of the way it is used in the written world and using a certain word against these things might be a hard thing to do and sometimes it is hard to know these things unless someone tells you. But I lost my point I was trying to make I think... sort of.

Nice little poem though.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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22

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14 days may be credited.

#3422385

Review of Trumpets Sound

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-Two of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

write a poem about a musical instrument

poem from: Winnie Kay

Overall

I like the poem a lot but I think you tried to do too much for the amounted space. I agree with most people that complain about my contest that it isn't enough space... But the only reason why I agree in this is that I think people pick subjects that are too big to write in the allowed space. That is the biggest restriction but one I like a lot because I myself like little poems. so I like your poem your rhythm and your subject but not for twelve lines. You need stanzas on top of other stanzas for use to feel the triumph and or failures of these grand historical events. I think if you picked one event instead of three events specifically if you got more specific with the happenings of this one event then your poem might have a bit more impact on the reader but not in this alloted space.

Another concern with this poem generally is the use of a form. You did a splendid job with this form. Well... actually your third line in your last stanza might be a little off but not too bad. Now back to my concern which is a weird one that many people don't consider in my mind. The concern is when to use a form and when not to in a prompt contest like this one. Forms are great learning tools and practicing tools as well as great ways to express yourself in poetry. Now the concern is having a restriction in a restricted zone. The restricted zone is 12 lines and to add another restriction with a poem form adds a complicated element with your subject that you are writing about. Now I'm not down playing forms in general only down playing the use of forms that don't help or add to the meaning of a poem. Basically, I'm not impressed by a person that can write in a form, however I am very very impressed in a person that writes in a form which reflects the meaning of the poem. So your poem sort of does this but I feel that in this limited space you needed at least umm twelve more stanzas to get the impact for your pattern to hold onto the reader. Yes! this is a lot more lines than twelve and if you sent me this many lines into this contest then you would have gotten disqualified from this contest without getting an ounce of review.

So let me sum this up a little bit better: I like the feel of your poem and the subjects (even though I think you should have simplified it to one instead of many to get your idea across). I thought you did a great job with picking a form that was appropriate for your content but I also think to give your content the full justification it needed you needed at least twelve more stanzas which would have been 48 more lines (yes this is a lot).

So I think if you do more planing with the subject of your poem before you write something within the lengths of 12 lines you will create something that fits in the space a bit better. Also, if you use a form make sure you are getting out all you want to get out with that form and not just using it because you feel it to be nice or poetic to use.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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23

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14 days may be credited.

#3418754

Review of Save Him

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: ASR

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-One of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem a "Jánakù"

poem from: Aster

Overall

I feel that this wasn't enough room for your idea which often happens with this contest. It is hard to be brief and have an impact on the readers mind. The best way to not fall into the trap of not having enough room is simplifying your idea. So let me show you what I mean instead of trying to explain. lets look at the elements of your poem. In a simple statement it seems to me you are trying to show a person that can be helped inside their nightmare since the nightmare is only in their mind. so we have a few different notions we would like to do for your poem:

show a nightmare
show a person trapped in a nightmare
show a person asking for help
and then some sort of conclusion

these are the many elements of your poem which I think are a lot for this poem. One thing is really hard to do which is showing a person being scared of their nightmare effectively enough in this amount of space for the reader to understand he can't escape. Not too easy. So a better approach might be "show a nightmare" or "show a person stuck in a nightmare".

now that you know your idea the way in which to do it needs to fold out better. I like the title but I think you can do more in the beginning. for instance:

"Ghost
corrupt his
brain to black"

ok you see how this sets the mood of badness. Yours is ok but using the word shadowed doesn't have enough POWER for me. I need a bit more urgency to want to save this guy. Corrupt is ok but still not good. You could even say:

"Ghost
infest his
brain to shadows"

or

"Ghost
infest his
brain to black"

I say black because usually we have the whole grayness notion when it comes to the brain and black kind of works with a thousand little bug invaders (kind of sick, right?). anyway. this is what I would like from this type of scenario. Scare me with your imagery. Make me throw-up. do whatever but be a bit stronger with your words and images to get your point across but also don't try and explain too much because it will end up being cluttered and lost in confusion in such a small form.

Randomness

I didn't find your poem confusing or cluttered but more so it need more to happen in it. I felt it fell short in its scary element which really needed to be there to make this poem complete.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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24

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14 days may be credited.

#3418629

Review of Legends of the Mind

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-One of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem a "Jánakù"

poem from: Winnie Kay

Overall

I love the ending of this poem. It was a great setup from beginning to ending with a nice emotional statement at the beginning and the end that repeats in a different way at the end but lingers on nicely to be heavy in the readers heart. I feel the the punctuation seems a bit bulky. It isn't a huge problem but the semi-colons seem a bit clunky on the poem. Maybe just having periods at the end of the stanzas would do fine or take out all the punctuation (I understand this seems weird but it is how I view the poem and by no means does this mean you should change the punctuation but just consider and dismiss if you like to).

I think your word choice is perfect for this poem. I really like how you setup each stanza with a time element so that the reader can see the change over time throughout the disease.

Title

I think your title is a bit much for the poem. Maybe if you have it describing this deprecation a little bit better without the alliteration. The reason why I feel the alliteration is too much because it almost gives a joke kind of quality to a very serious poem. I'm not saying this is your intention but that it comes off this way to me. I would stick with something that either explains the degeneration of alzheimer's in like a phrase or just use "Alzheimer". I really like the phrase idea. I've always been partial to short titles but of late I've been thinking of longer ones which is its own line or phrase before the poem setting a scene or a mood about to play out. It might be a route to consider for this poems title.

Structure

I thought you used the structure well. I do wish you used fewer adjectives for this poem but to be practical I understand that would be unfeasible with the limitations you had to create this poem.

Line Suggestions

one semi-issue I see with this poem is in the line: "lost and nostalgic". the only reason I say this is I would think that the person of the poem would be saying that they are a nostalgia now and not nostalgic but I think I might be wrong with this. It comes off this way because to me its more of the memories of that person or what that person use to be that holds them together which is all in a person looking at the person with Alzheimer. I might be confusing my self here and I might be wrong

Randomness

I like how you constructed this poem within the space you had to construct it.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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25

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14 days may be credited.

#3416329

Review of Flying to the Moon

Review by Radler Zpheitor

In affiliation with Let's Publish!

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Thanks for entering Round Twenty-One of "Invalid Item"

.
This review is not the sole aspect of the judging process and my judging reviews mimic my regular reviews;
so, I try to make these reviews to be helpful and critical as well as a part of my judging assessment.
Thanks again for entering and Good luck!

Do not edit your poem until the winners are announced

Prompt

poem a "Jánakù"

poem from: Cynaemon

Overall

It is a nice image you have here. The slight variation doesn't seem to do much for the whole poem. It is very nice and soothing in a way but I feel that their is something else not on the page which you are trying to get out. Maybe if you take out one of the stanzas and add something else to help the reader why you are making this escape to the moon. Or is there some sort of symbolism that I am missing in your poem? I like the mood thought that you set in these four little stanzas.

Title

I think you could change the whole outlook of this poem if you changed the title. We know you are going to the moon in the poem itself but we don't know why. So if you make the title your why than your whole poem might come out a bit more intense.

Structure

I think you could change up the structure of this poem a little to try and weave a little more room into it. If you take out an "I" or two and have some of the lines fall into each other or have two stanzas be one thought instead of one stanza being one though I think you could get a bit more out of the limiting form.

Randomness

It is a nice ride to the moon but how should I feel about it or more importantly what is the poem persona getting from this escape or running away or childhood dream? I love that you used some great images for this poem but it doesn't get the reader anywhere from somewhere. We want to know we need to know why we are going to this play so far away.

Thanks again for entering and please check "Invalid Item"

for the winner(s). I might post the winner(s) earlier then the close of the next round if I finish the reviews.

Keep on Trucking

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