This is a wonderful story. It has been beautifully told in a straight forward and unpretentious manner. The author has kept in focus all the way through and allows the reader to ride the wave of anxiety too.
The sentence structure and grammar are almost perfect. There may be some places where commas could be changed to semi-colons, etc. However, as well as it is written and as easy to read as it is, I wouldn't change them.
The only things noticed that should be addressed are below.
For as long as I had been blessed with Kayla, it had been just her and I.
This should be:
For as long as I had been blessed with Kayla, it had been just her and me.
It was only minutes, but it might has well been hours.
This should be:
It was only minutes, but it might as well have been hours.
Few authors have the skill to successfully integrate flashbacks in short stories. “The Other Brother”, however, is a great example of the artistic abilities of this particular author. It is a story so rich in detail and imagery, the reader cannot help but continue. Wonderfully and professionally written, this is an intriguing, sensitive work that should be continued.
There are almost no errors found in grammar, spelling or syntax except those addressed below.
“Its right next to mine." Should be “It’s right next to mine." “It’s” is a contraction of “it is”; “Its” shows possession.
In the following sentences a good rule of thumb for correct usage of the forms of “lay” is, People “lay down”, items are “laid down”.
She laid down beside the child and watch the gentle rise and fall of his chest.
Should read:
She lay down beside the child and watch the gentle rise and fall of his chest.
She lain awake, waiting for the sun and the prison to open to visitors.
Should read:
She lay awake, waiting for the sun and the prison to open to visitors.
Congratulations on a work well done.
Please continue.
This is rare and unusually written work. The plot begins slowly but then brings the reader into the unspoken conversation quickly and easily. It is an enjoyable short story that could be highly recommended to seasoned readers who are looking for a more unique literary adventure.
Below are some suggestions to be considered for correction. Other than these, the story is beautifully detailed and wonderfully written. The command of language the author has is remarkable. The grammar and spelling are excellent. This has been a sheer pleasure to read.
The following sentence needs to be rewritten. “They had fixed the rotting wooden rafters as best they can.”
The following sentences should be one, separated with a comma. “Negotiations are underway. Her wriggling index and middle finger said.”
This work opens the readers mind to all types of imaginations. It is incredibly written, slowly drawing the reader into the mind of the unnamed stranger. The author takes the time to introduce the reader to a specific place in time and to a specific situation. The character is mysterious and intriguing. The plot is well defined and well written. There are no obvious errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar. It will make a great first chapter. Congratulations!
The author of this work has wonderfully spun a thread of conversation in the lives of two people who in the beginning seem “normal”, but who have secrets. The characters are believable and intriguing. The complexity leaves the reader asking for more and the story line opens up windows of possibilities for the outcome. Very well written, this work has few errors.
Below are some suggestions for change that might be helpful.
In the phrase “terrible rusty squeak” the word “terrible” should be “terribly”. Refer in grammar helps to “an adverb modifying an adverb”.
The phrase “hair red as blood” should read “hair as red as blood”.
In the phrase “after the guy fell in to the river” “in to” should be “into”.
This is a compelling combination of soft words and sensual imagery. Those two things, in the way they are used here, are all that is needed to impress the author’s thoughts into the readers’ mind. The lack of capitalization, though being used extensively in some modern writing, actually takes away from this piece. The beauty of this work can stand alone; it is an excellent work.
This article, for the most part, is well written, clear and informative. It has all the foundations for being a fine piece of technical writing. With some small changes it could hold an honorable position in any medical dictionary.
It is clear that the subject has been researched in detail but few of the sources have been mentioned. “Many people” and “commonly believed,” are not good descriptions of source references.
One challenge in this writing has been to stay in one language, the impersonal one as it was begun. Starting in the paragraph that begins, “The three types of bipolar disorder”, this consistency begins to fall apart. This paragraph and the next one should be combined and edited for composition and content.
The next paragraph, beginning with, “Searching for the causes of bipolar disorder”, is too long and tends to ‘run on’. Rather than state the speculations of researchers, it may be better to give only the facts that are known and then have a slight introduction into what new research is covering.
The next paragraph beginning with, “Unfortunately there is no cure for bipolar”, has a mixture of why there is at present no cure and again listing medications that have and are being used. The medications and treatments need to be moved to the previous paragraph.
In the paragraph beginning with, “One of the most interesting aspects of bipolar”, the use of first names for the musicians mentioned is inappropriate. In a technical, publicly produced article such as this one, respect for the position of the person/patient is paramount.
Non-capitalization is of good use in prose to show the lack of traditional respect for staying within the lines. However, in a short story it detracts from the main writing. Correct punctuation could be a crown on this particular piece. The story-line that has been created is enticing and inviting. It leaves the reader wanting more, but it needs to be more eye-friendly.
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