Wow. That's a troublesome musing, all right. I don't know what disturbs me more - the level of detail here, or the little voice in my head going, "Damn, this author must really cook a great steak."
But extremely well written - vividly detailed, and I like how you developed the tall amn's character without ever using his name. Nice creepy touch. I love the twist at the end, too - I never saw the MPD coming. No complaints at all.
Nice beginning! This is an intriguing short story, and I really want to read more. You've done an excellent job of setting up narrative hooks here, and though this is a very brief snippet, I already identify with your protagonist.
A couple of brief suggestions. The description is very good, but the phrasing in the second paragraph, "As the music softened and was not heard" is a bit awkward. You don't really need to say "and was not heard" at all, or you could replace it with something like "As the music softened and died away" if you particularly want to emphasize that.
At the end, sentence about the manager's comments should be, "Under his breath she could hear his murmuring, “No-good bitch, should never have let dad hire her."
On the whole, great work, and I'd love to read the expanded version!
Great work! An interesting idea, well written and captivating. And some of the lines in here, well, they're the kind of lines that make me wish I wrote them. For example, "The air froths with smoke and reeks of cheap alcohol and sweat. It’s like bleach to the eyes." Awesome description! And I've been in a few clubs like that, too.
I wondered a bit about Trevor. The way he explains himself seems a bit too pat. And the way Freyja turns up in two very different locales is stretching my belief. Other than that, excellent.
~Maryse
Reviewathon Reviewer
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