I wonder if the first sentence is a bit long? Either way, it contains some fantastic visuals.
"He adjusted his cowboy hat with the palm of his hand"
Good work on describing the character's appearance via action, and also spreading them throughout the story. Some readers might argue that visuals should be expressed as early as possible, but there's probably no right or wrong answer for that.
It's great how you took the time to research on the military. That made the story more interesting for outsiders like myself.
Hi there. I'm about to review Theolyn & the Shadow Creature:
Nice opening paragraph to build suspense and fear.
"“I will face the creature of shadows.” The young man said boldly."
I think it should be:
"shadows," the young...
It's nice how the Shadow Creature lost because of light. That's a neat imaginary. Anyway, thanks for sharing this story. It would've been nice if we knew Theolyn's motivation for slaying the monster, though. If he feared the creature so much, there must be a logical behind this?
Ah, I'm interested in this makeup topic. Let's see what this poet has to say about it.
"for you would not like me"
Very nice. This is the kind of message I'm expecting from this poem. Hopefully it'll go on to teach us a good lesson. Let me continue to read.
"devour or destroy me"
Good use of alliteration to maintain a fine rhythm.
"They regenerate themselves like a scab on a wound"
Some readers might say this is cheesy? Also, I suppose make up don't really regenerate, so this distracted me slightly?
"Temporary answers"
I like this a lot.
I was hoping the voice in this piece will learn throughout the poem. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. That stops it from being predictable, though. Overall, you've explored the topic well, so good job and thanks for sharing.
"I suppose that it had to end like this"
Well done on building suspense from the start.
"There was no way around it."
This is a minor point, but perhaps this sentence isn't needed. The previous sentence already indicates there's no other choice. However, if you're going for a conversational tone, this is fine.
"in the town square. Then the public jailing"
Maybe replace the full stop with a comma?
"hurt them, at least"
I reckon this will read smoother as two sentences.
"I can hear them coming."
Try to show rather than tell. Perhaps say you hear their footsteps, etc.
"Instead, I curse them."
I would've repented .
"it is me who is laughing,"
This should end in a full stop instead of a comma. Anyway, I love this sentence. It's creepy how a guy set on fire would still be laughing.
I enjoyed reading this piece. Thank you for sharing it. You've done a great job .
I enjoyed your piece about eternal life. Allow me to check out what this one's about.
Oh, another interesting topic. Ever since I started working full-time, I've really begun to believe that time is money.
I love it how you used "lose the interest" as a sort of pun. That's clever and made me smile.
Hm, I don't fully understand how the second and third paragraphs (or is it stanzas?) relate to money in time in particular. Care to elaborate? I'm sure the writing is fine. I'm just tired at the moment, that's all .
This sounds like an interesting article. Allow me to check it out .
"If God is present everywhere - as you say - then science ought"
Perhaps use commas instead of dashes here?
"means of the scientific method."
Watch out for the extra spaces. By the way, many sentences seem to have an extra space? It's not a big issue, but yeah.
"To prove Him scientifically would be to disprove Him."
That's a deep sentence and really gets me thinking. Good job.
There can be no such thing as truth, hm? An interesting theory.
"it does indeed point to the necessity of the supernatural if any of science's claims are true"
I would love to have this explained a bit more. Care to go into the details for me?
Hello there. I'm about to check out Standing Strong in Storms.
"The beauty of newly green hardwoods, intoxicating perfume of wildflowers, and sparkling springs still took her breath away."
Good job on describing the visuals early.
"and a loft that held stacked bookshelves The floors were hardwood"
Missing punctuation here.
So far, you've done a great job of using all five senses. You've described the smell, sounds and visuals well.
"She was in a hell of a mess."
Try to avoid telling rather than showing. Since this isn't really a "story", it could be okay, though.
Danny said casually. “I want a divorce.”
We could remove "casually". Avoid adverbs whenever possible.
It could have been, “I want butter on my toast."
Good comparison. Good writing.
"She threw her clothes in suitcases and caught the red eye home. She didn’t answer Danny’s calls"
This is a very minor point, but it's nice to vary the sentence structures to keep things interesting. So, try to avoid starting two sentences with "she", etc. Again, it's no big deal .
"working out the details of the divorce and property.Danny"
Don't miss the space between the full stop and Danny.
"she sent a Smypathy card to his Mom"
"Sympathy".
Thank you for sharing this story. It's nice how it ended with a poem. At first, I thought this was a setting-driven piece. The focus was on the environment. Yet, later on, you've managed to build a story, with the divorce, etc. That's a pleasant surprise. You've done a good job .
Hi there. I'm about to review We Only Accept Heads:
"Needless to say I was not the apple of her parents eyes"
Nice imagery. Don't forget the apostrophe though:
"parents' eyes"
"My second marriage sadly ended again in divorce and hers sadly ending with the death of her husband"
Since we want to avoid adverbs, consider just removing the two instances of "sadly".
"I could not blame her although I did not agree with her angst"
I think this will flow better as:
"I could not blame her. Although I did not..."
"Max was a hard headed German, her Mom and Dad were the cut from the same cloth."
This should be two sentences I reckon.
"Although I loved my dad it was impossible to like him"
This sounds contradictory, but I'm ready to be proven wrong. Perhaps give more details on how you love your dad?
"I remember asking Max to marry me."
People are always interested in how proposals were made. Maybe elaborate on this? Of course, if it's a standard proposal, perhaps this is fine.
"Also the fact that most of my friends were getting married or had already married."
This is excellent, because many people can relate to it.
"Betty I would like to marry Max" I said.
Comma after "Max". Also, it's nice to have a comma after names (i.e. Betty) in dialogue.
"replied "You'll never marry my"
Full stop after "replied".
"Oh yeah you bitch, I'll show you, I'll marry her anyway".
Well done on providing tension to this piece.
"All you had to do was tell me that I couldn't do it and I was hell bent on proving you wrong"
It's fine, because I'm like that also.
"I grabbed my right hand with my left hand"
It's probably okay to just say "I grabbed my right hand".
Please feel free to apply the above points throughout the story. Hopefully that will improve the piece. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Hello there. I remember enjoying The Final Vow. So, now I'm going to check out Numb:
"I am numb."
Since this is just telling, I wonder if it needs to be there? However, because it's written in first person, it's quite acceptable.
"The thought jars me with sudden force and I think of my sister, who I affectionately call Tinkerbella. I wonder where she is."
I love it how you always manage to reveal backgrounds so naturally .
"This is no television episode; this is my life."
Great writing.
Hm, this turned out to be another sad story . Just a quick comment. If it weren't for the item's description, I would've of figured out it's a car wreck until quite late. I wonder if that's an issue? Maybe I'm just not a clever reader.
The other small thing is, if the protagonist is dying, he shouldn't be able to move his hand across someone's cheek? Of course, everyone will have different thoughts on this. For art's sake, it probably doesn't matter.
Lastly, there are lots of similes in this piece. Some readers dislike it when they become too frequent. It can be distracting. However, your writing style is abstract and beautiful, so I don't reckon it's a problem .
Hi there. I'm about to review The Death of Innocence.
"The bullets are whizzing by me."
That's a powerful opening sentence. We could try and use active rather than passive voice, though. Perhaps:
"The bullets whizz by me."
Something like that.
"My friends are all around me, dying."
To make this sentence flow better, we could try:
"My friends are dying all around me."
By the way, there's already lots of tension build up, so well done.
"win the battle; I"
A full stop here should be fine.
"It feels like the paintball games I use to play, only this isn't a game."
A clever and scary comparison.
"Momma use to fix my lunch and drive me to school."
This really evokes emotion in the reader. Good job.
A nice ending sentence. This piece helps us understand how fearsome war truly is. You did really well.
Ah, second person, that's refreshing. Let's check this out:
"Its worn varnish has peeled away and left it looking pale and ragged"
Well done on describing the scenery early.
"god only knows what"
Make "god" in caps. We could remove "only".
"The silence which follows is eerie"
Try to show rather than tell. Perhaps something like:
"The silence which follows made you shiver"
"of 2 bedrooms"
This isn't a big problem, but many people prefer numbers to be spelled out - "two".
Thanks for sharing this story. It was unique because it's setting driven rather than plot or character based. You described the environment very well. I really felt like I was staring into that mirror. Well done.
Hello there. I'm about to review "A conversation with a mad man":
"I sat at the table, just like he did."
Maybe try to start with a more exciting sentence? But considering the title reveals that we're talking with a mad man, there's already good tension.
'"lately,” I went'
Should be a period instead of a comma here.
'"to the start “It says'
Need a period after "start".
"I didn’t feel like answering it.
“It also says here that you have"
This can be in the same paragraph. You could also consider removing "it" from "answering it".
“Only on even days,”
This really shows he's a mad man. Well done.
Haha, that's a pretty funny twist in the end. I guess the mad man isn't so mad! Overall, just remember to use full stops instead of commas after a dialogue if it isn't followed by a dialogue tag. The characters' lines sound natural and realistic, so good job and keep writing .
It's clever how you started with a trio of questions. This draws the reader in.
"sitting imperiously in his white coat"
It's good how you described his appearance quickly. However, I wonder if we can remove "imperiously"? We want to avoid telling whenever possible.
"Your name is Gary Weld, your 23 years old"
This line might feel too obvious that it's meant for the reader?
"My brother and I, we were always special."
This should either be split into two sentences or changed to:
"My brother and I were always special."
"are for less pleasant than mine.”
"far" instead of "for".
"Though I suppose my brother deserved it more, he was a dangerous man."
We could consider removing "he was a dangerous man". The first part of the sentence intrigues the reader enough already.
"He’s all yours”
Full stop after "yours".
You have fantastic writing skills. I didn't spot any grammar mistakes. The story ended quite suddenly, though. Twins who can stop and start time could make a fine story. Have you considered expanding it into something bigger?
Hello. I'm about to review Vanderfeld 1: Worthy Gift.
"There was once a beautiful princess, born to the King and Queen of the Hilltops."
Perhaps aim to start the chapter with a more exciting sentence? However, if we're aiming for a traditional feel, then this is great.
"fell like sunshine over the Kingdom."
Clever simile!
"For the first year of the child's life there was nothing but peace"
We could aim for showing rather than telling. Maybe two people are having a conversation, and one of them says the above line. Something like that.
"with the strangest, sweetest scents."
Good work on using the five senses.
The King stood at the edge of the lake and cried out,
“Kind mermaids, show me a gift worthy of a princess.”
I reckon there's no need for a line break between the above two lines?
“I thank you for this generous gift, but it is not what I am looking for.”
We could consider removing this dialogue, because from the king's previous line, we already know that he's gracious for the gift, but wants something else.
The King pondered this for a moment before replying.
“I am looking for something as majestic as the blood...
Again, we could keep the above lines in the same paragraph.
“Your Majesty, a peasant approaches.”
These are good dialogues. They match the setting well.
"as if she new something the King did not."
"knew" instead of "new".
“You seek something that cannot be created by man, woman or child.” She said mysteriously.
Let's change it to - "child," she said.
Since the dialogue is already mysterious, we could ditch "mysteriously".
Overall, a nice story! The writing is easy to read, which is fantastic. Well done.
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. Just a quick comment. If it weren't for the item's description, I would've of figured out it's a car wreck until quite late. I wonder if that's an issue? Maybe I'm just not a clever reader.