For starters, I love the phrase "the immediate scream of pain that tore itself from his throat." That's a fantastic way of describing. Also, the jade ring, is that from Artemis Fowl?
A couple things I would suggest:
"An old friend of mine once said to me "You have the face of heaven, my dear, and the eyes of hell." And these three men who stood there and stared at me now, were indeed caught between heaven and hell. Torn between being inspired to lust by my surreal beauty or inspired to fear by the promise of death in my eyes. But as was usually the case with mortal men, they chose to obey their baser instinct to have me over their inclination to fear me. A mistake they would regret."
-the first sentence is really pretty, but I feel like the second doesn't quite follow up enough. maybe "...and the eyes of hell." Indeed, the three men before were caught between these two very features."
-somehow, the phrase "inspired to" doesn't really work for me.
-The second to last sentence could be reworded to have more impact: something sharper, crisper, and shorter. maybe "But as was usually the case with mortal men, their sexual desires won over their fear of death. A decision they would regret." or something
-very interesting how you described them as "a pack." makes them seem like wolves. Good allusion :)
-your use of pretty specific body parts is...interesting. It makes the character seem more immortal and all-knowing, but at the same time it alienates those readers that don't quite understand which body parts you're talking about.
-you may want to make your sentences shorter at parts to create more excitement and tension during the fighting. Near the end, you may also want to shorten the sentences near the end too. It'll make the character more matter-of-fact and emotionless
anyway, I really liked the feel and idea of this piece. Good job!
Amazing piece. Really grips you from the beginning. Even at the end I was dying to know what happened next. (no pun intended) Absolutely amazing! I hope Mabel's grandson gets to come back...
The story itself is sweet, but the telling of it could be a little more detailed. I understand that it's a true story, but maybe if you took a more fictional approach to it? Take some literary license with the story: make it more detailed, have some more imagery, etc. It also seems really random how Nick suddenly takes you back for no reason. I gather that it's been 10 years, right? You do explain afterwards that he just "went out with you" (I would say hung out, unless you are implying that the two of you started dating) because you begged him to, but like I said, I feel like the whole story could use a lot more fluff.
I loved your imagery, it really made the situation seem a lot more real and intriguing. The story really sucks you in at the beginning. It was also interesting how at the end of this creepy senario nothing went wrong. I'm not sure if you meant it to be that way or if the reader was supposed to feel like "don't give him the apple, you're spreading the evil!!!!" Personally, I found it kinda cool how nothing happened.
I also loved your word choice! Even when you weren't describing something creepy, you gave this aura of creepiness off that echoed throughout the entire piece. Like the guy's coat having "creases sharp enough to cut" and the apple like blood.
There are a couple stuff I'd change, but don't feel like you need to agree with any of them:
First sentence: somehow I don't feel like "piece" describes the fact that he's giving her a whole apple very well. It sounds nice though.
Third paragraph, first line I would say "wrapped her up _in_ a..." I feel like that completes the imagery better.
Instead of "mobile" I'd say "cell phone." Wait...if you're from Europe they say "mobile", right? So never mind...
For a creepy-ish story sans corpse, it's fantastic!
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