I'm sure the similarity to "Who's On First?" was intended. Very amusing. Very... Joseph Heller.
The paragraph that begins "A vague memory of many beers" caused me to stumble. I'm not sure what it meant, or why it was important. I think maybe it's because it's a step out of the narrator's head; a little omniscient.
Other than that, really good work!
Is it important for us to know where this incident took place? In boot camp, or at the front?
This piece looks just about perfect for the Reader's Digest. It's short, succinct, humorous, vivid, and very real. I'm sure there's a cat website or cat fancier's magazine/newsletter somewhere that would love to publish this.
Oooh: Imagine it as a children's story! wouldn't that be cool?
Nicely done. Very clever of you not to reveal the issue at the root of the teacher's concern.
The line where I got the sense that there were no actual underlying problems was the "long sigh that made Ellen sad for her." It's as if Ellen has no clue about what the teacher found upsetting in her work.
Which actually makes one wonder if there _isn't_ something untoward going on in Ellen's life, and that she's so innocent that she doesn't even know it's wrong. Either that, or is the teacher a wacko? Maybe I watch too much "Twilight Zone"...
So many possibilities. You did nice work with this prompt.
Great story, though... I assume it's true? If not, actually, it's a REALLY great story.
You know what I mean. I mean it's bad enough that smeone would live that way, have such a stony and mercurial mother (adoptive or no), much less be able to invent such a tale.
One little comment, a technical, punctuation error that you probably just overlooked in proofing:
"Forty years later, after Mom died while going through the vault, I found the truth,..."
The lack of a comma after "died", and reversing the next two phrases: "I found the truth while going through a vault." Otherwise it makes it sound as if your mother died while going through a vault. Or maybe she did. In which case, never mind.
Other than that, a compelling read: tight, not maudlin or "poor, poor me," as it could easily have been. It rings very true.
If you had a mind to expand it, you might give us a little more about your mother. We see how she was with you, and a little of how she was with your brother (obviously favoring him), but what was she like to other people? How would your father remember her? Extended family members? Neighbors? Coworkers? Friends? Was she kind of a "Jekyll & Hyde" person, or a WYSIWYG ("What You See Is What You Get", pronounced "Wizzy-wig")?
Anyway, nice job. -- M. DeFarge
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