The mild sensuality of the poem titillates the reader's mind. This is certainly what a good poem should do. Nonetheless, I couldn't find a justifiable reason for changing the view point from first person to third person. It's clear why a third person viewpoint is more suitable for the latter part of the poem, but the first person voice of the beginning of the poem doesn't make the poem more intimate. In addition, I think the imagery of the first part of the poem is not carefully crafted. It fails to reflect the inner thoughts and feelings of the characters. The second part of the poem, on the other hand, is very vigorous.
Moreover, I think there's a lot the poet could've done with the concept of losing sight, darkness, and water. Thinking about all their psychological and mythological connotations, I can't help but feel that this poem could find a much more organic—even magical—form with a careful revision.
The motto usually attributed to Julius Caesar has created an engaging opening and I like the way the poem mimics the language used by politicians, educationalists, etc. (which, of course, is a positive point if the poet did it intentionally.) Naturally, the poem has turned out prosy and full of abstractions. Too many abstract words in a poem usually detach the reader from the poem, while, in my opinion, a good poem should aim at intimacy. As a result, this poem doesn't win the reader's sympathy.
In sum, I must say I really like this poem if it's a parody and aims at irony. Otherwise, it fails to be deep or even of slightest interest to the expectant reader.
The poem develops its subject matter admirably. The mix of humor and tragedy is also done smoothly. Moreover, the rhymes, unlike the ones I encounter so frequently, didn't strike me as forced and seemed to come "as naturally as leaves to a tree" in John Keats's words.
Nonetheless, what troubled me was the incompatibility of the content and the form. In my opinion, the quatrains rhyming abab cdcd efef… don't really reinforce this poem. In fact, the poem rhymes so regularly that the reader might get bored and distracted.
In sum, this poem could be sung to a combination of musical instruments but, despite its great potential, certainly lacks the vitality of a true poem.
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