Even if you have prozodic elements in the poem and a lot of full sentences they work great in this context. Great flow of words from beginning to end, beautifully simple at times and intricatly compex at other times.
While your haiku is built on the traditional form (3 lines, 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables), its content isn't exactly suited for a haiku. I get this impression because it seems to be rather narrative and dynamic than descrptive and pensive. It is focused on action (use of verbs "shimmers", "heels", "takes wing"), rather than description and imagery.
The final line is also dynamic (exclamatory) and seems to suggest another observation of nature, rather then a conclusion to the previous lines. While I was not particularly fond of the imagery in the first line ( as I found it a bit ordinary), I liked the second line and its imagery.
This piece appears to be more of a journal entry than an actual artistic expression of whichever kind. The senteces are a bit simple and disruptive and the vocabulary is also a bit on the common/simple level.
The theme is interesting, but I definitely think it could use more vivides images, figures of speech or some intricate narrative techniques.
This is one of the best pieces of poetry I have read on this web site. Its beauty is both musical and profound, both expressive and enchantingly ambiguous...
It is rythmical, the words flow harmoniously and the imagery and metaphors you used are highly original and surprising...
The first stanza, used in repetition throughout the whole poem, is dazzling...
I really enjoyed the subject you chose to write on and the way you portrayed it using a single fictional moment in time...Your concisiveness works very well and I loved the fact that this piece does not immediately make the reader understand what it is about, but, instead it requires a pause to think and contamplate.
The only drawback I could find is at the level of the vocabulary and imagery. I would have liked it to be more vivid and expressive.
Overall: the choice of theme is original and daring and the concisive approach shows that you don't need a hundred words to convey your feelings.
It can be easily seen that your lyrics are written with passion and with sensitivity. However, there are some things that I would personally like to point out:
1.APPROACH OF THEME
The theme(s) that you chose is (are) quite a common nowadays( poverty, third world countries, inequalities), that's why, in my opinion, to bring out the essence of these otherwise worn out themes you should have chosen a more original approach.
2.CLICHES
"Could you stand, watch them die,
Knowing that they could have been saved?"
In my opinion, this is a bit of a cliche and has a common touch, therefore diminuishing the impact it should have had. You could have "disguised" it in a surprising imagery and get a more powerful effect on the reader.
3.UTOPIA
Referring to the CONTENT and the MESSAGE of your lyrics, I find it quite utopic and idealistic.
"If we all link hands, build a bridge,"...
I would now like to underline the things I DID LIKE about these lyrics.
1. REPHRAIN
I certainly liked the rephrain and especially the image of the "buds" that don't flower.
2.EMPHASIS
The use of RETHORICAL QUESTIONS is very well chosen and it creates a powerful impact on the reader.
3.IMAGERY
I really enjoyed some of the images you have created:
"Bloodied, children's feet have to roam,
Around their eyes and mouths flies swarm,
Obscene to them must seem a jewelled crown."
OVERALL:
If I were to sum up the impression I got from your lyrics in two words they would be : PASSION and DEDICATION. It is obvious that the poetic voice is really fired up by the issues you chose to approach and that you REALLY care about the things you described. I really appreciated this because, in nowadays' pragmatic attitude, this EMOTIONAL DEDICATION is more and more hard to find.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lorelei19
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 5:35pm on Sep 28, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
