Reviewing as I read, so far it has got my attention, so far it is well written and very descriptive. Sometimes I feel like there is a real fine line between being too descriptive and not allowing the reader to gather or decide for himself - but not that case here... I like the line, one I hadn't heard before: "the curious sense of loneliness" .
I don't normally read this kind of fiction, usually the opposite, but I was totally enthralled so far, it's awesome, and it kept me reading. This is a very captivating story.... Keep it going - and get this one published.... Awesome work!!!
I think it's a great story - it allows the reader to totally picture what is going on and get a very good visual in their mind. I don't know what the rules were for the contest, however if you were a lit over on length - I felt that there was a little of the description,(adjectives) that could have been left out and we would have still gotten the entire picture. But the plot of the story is great, you told allot with little words, something I haven't been able to do myself, as of yet. I just felt that some of the description could have been left out, and a few grammar errors - which I am sure you already know. Overall - very good story, just a little edit. And by the way - I think it would have been a good story to enter - very heart-warming and endearing. With the "good ending"!
WOW! and......"wow", again! Very enthralling! I was completely engulfed and living this story with you! My eyes were on your words like fingers to a typewriter! For the point you wanted to get across this was over the top AWESOME!
I have to admit, I have lived this story myself in my younger years, but even had I not - I would still WOW! Good Job - keep writing, this belongs in a novel!
Very intriguing,,,,,,I found myself right in the throws of this story with the women. Very good description too! I always envied people that could write short stories, and I always wanted to do it myself, but somehow my mind can't conceive a story in short.. As weird as that sounds its so true! I see things in a much larger picture, I guess... LOL Nonetheless, this was awesome, although very sad - the fact remains it is an every day part of our lives, living, dying, and leaving our loved ones behind. Well written! I'm not sure how long a "short story" should be, if there are reals or not. But Fantastic Job!
Ok, I am writing this as I read. The first two sentences gives great detail, which allows me to get an awesome visible in my mind. Liked it very much so far. Still going good so far, keeping in mind that I enjoy a story with alot of adjectives, it helps me to visualize, however, there is one adjectives I don't think you really need in here - we already know that Antionette has given up on convincing her boss - so: resignedly - it really doesn't need to be there. (just my opinion - keep in mind) Also there are a lot of grammar errors, but I try not to critique those, because, like me, I know I have grammar mistakes. Now I am at the end of Chapter one, this is quite lengthy, and I know it's okay to do this but...............(not sure) I think the chapters should follow one another in the length. This is something I normally do with all my writing, it's just a rule for me that I kind of keep in the back of my mind while I am writing, sort of a "come natural" for me kind of thing, So do ask someone who knows a little more than I. I thought the name of her husband was very unique for a man. I was even confused, not knowing if I had missed something, thinking maybe you started a whole different character and seen. I went back and re-read, and figured it .. Maybe this is just me? Will review chapter 2 and 3 in a different review.
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