Hi, I liked your chapter very much. The idea is very interesting and I instantly liked the main character. You can connect with and feel sympathy for him very quickly, which is great. Very well done.
I like how you started and left a bit of mystery about why he was worried and unable to sleep in the beginning. And how you added some drama and made the readers care even more by putting the orphanage in a crime ridden area, making us wonder if/how that’s going to effect the story.
And you get right to the point and to the story within a few short paragraphs rather then taking forever, which was great.
You’re writing style was very good and the story flowed great and quickly.
Two things I might suggest, though neither of them really matter?
Near beginning where you say,
“I have an immunity to sickness unlike any other compared to the others who seem to get the flu every week.”
You might want to change it to something like “unlike any other, at least compared to the others” or something like that. Having two of the same word - “unlike any OTHER compared to the OTHERS” - so close together can confuse or slow down the speed or rhythm of the reader, which I don’t like personally but is not really a problem.
And second,
after Jane says, ““Do ya ever wonder about that tattoo on your hand? Or how your hand hurts when you feel sad or scared? How about when you’re around certain people and the tattoo glows?”
it would be great if you could add a small paragraph where he’s remembering some times in the past when those things happened, his memories of the people it happened around, and his thoughts at the time it happened.
You can use it to show earlier-on how your main character thinks and behaves, his personality, and maybe gain some more interest and caring for him from the readers.
This was great! I look forward to reading more of your work.
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