Heh heh. Talk about regrets. Somehting akin to this happen to me. Fortunately, (or unfortunately) Death slammedthe doorin my face and toldme togoaway. When I wrenched the door open and rushed in, he kicked me right back outside.
Some of us think we want to die, never realizing the gift that life is.
Fantastic poem. This was a good idea, and you executed it rather nicely.
This is a very intriguing piece of work, though I must admit, its seeming personal nature makes it a bit hard for me to understand. That is something all us humans seem to crave....control, but some times it is something we are not deigned to have. I like all of the ongoing images of sleep, dreams and nightmares.
The ghost of thoughts lying quietly in my head,
lying quietly until my dreams turn bad.
These lines, your ending lines, most important lines, best lines, manage to disturb and intrigue me at once with its suggestive imagery. The whole poem is very good in itself; shatterd dreams....a reality we all must face.
Good work here writing and interesting, thought-provoking poem. This is something many peoplemuseon.
One bone to pick with you though (). A gilded cage, right? Therefore a golden cage. The fact that it's a golden cage suggests to me that there should be some sort of luxury or benefit to being in the cage; a luxury/benfit that only the people on the outside see and only the people on the inside know that this is a lie; that the cage is simply a cage. This was not conveyed here. So it can be one of these things: I'm stupid, and am mesing up your brilliant poem with a stupid critique, or you're simply not done,and you're stillworking pon it. Either way, good job.
Wow! This is one of the sweetest things I had ever read in my entire LIFE and I mean that with every ounce of conviction I have. It's the absolute BEST!!! I love it, love it, love it, love it, love it!!!!!! Your descriptions of Sarah are nothing but superb, so detailed; given little by little so we are slowly given a picture of your angel.
I love the narrative style; how you talk to us about everything, how you would like to get to know her, and eveything. And the ending is great. You leave us just with that, knowing that you have taken that step, and that anything can happen from here.
This story is really, REALLY,REALLY good. Congratualations on a fantasic write!
Okay, content-wise, this story is very good. It contains the right amount of mystery and intruige to progress into a great story, and gives us enough information so that we can be sure of where we are as we read. I like that you have made up your own mythical creature (creavity is always good). So far, the story is coming along pretty well and I hope to read the rest of it when you add it.
Grammatically, the story could be better. Now for me, grammar, punctuation and spelling are the least improtant things when writing a story. Grammar can always be corrected. Here are a few mistakes I found in your story.
Also she feared meeting the human, by her sire's and Aakav's description, humans seemed capable of anything.
That comma shuold be a semi-colon, or else the sentence sounds a bit rushed.
Suddenly she realized too late.
Suddenly, she realized, too late. Suddenly,she realized it was too late. Maybe it could be changed to somthing to that effect.
There were other errors, but I don't want to list them all out here for you; that would be long and tedious and boring. . What I sugest you do is go over this with a fine-tooth comb, pick out errors, check your punctuation (there were lots of places where I think commas should have been added; the story sounds a little rushed as is) and so on.
One more suggestion. Maybe you could either indent, or skip a line after each paragraph in order to space out your story and make it easier for the reader. Once again, these things are not the most important things in a story, but having them makes it nicer.
This is a good story on it's way to becoming a great story. Keep up the good work!
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). A gilded cage, right? Therefore a golden cage. The fact that it's a golden cage suggests to me that there should be some sort of luxury or benefit to being in the cage; a luxury/benfit that only the people on the outside see and only the people on the inside know that this is a lie; that the cage is simply a cage. This was not conveyed here. So it can be one of these things: I'm stupid, and am mesing up your brilliant poem with a stupid critique, or you're simply not done,and you're stillworking pon it. Either way, good job.