There is no lead to what appears to be one of the cornerstones of this story. I don't understand why Valery would ask such a question as "What does a Tavern have to do with the Anglican Church?" It seems like she just plucked it out of the sky. How did she know taverns and the church were connected?
I was intrigued by the first chapter of your book, but this one reads more like a textbook than a novel--or maybe a police report. It's too clinical, and could use more character development and descriptive prose. Although I like the concept, I'm not feeling it.
There are also many run on sentences that could be shortened to make it sound more appealing . 'Castrat' in the second to last paragraph should read 'castrated'. In the sixth to last paragraph, it should read 'himself' instead of 'him.'
I like this story--and it compels me to want to know why these people are being burned at the stake in 2014. The only advice I would give you is to perhaps change the structure of some of your sentences. For instance :
"As Andrea tried to pound out the flames with her coat, she looked up at the man in the fire, his face red with fear, grey duct tape over his mouth and dressed in a black cassock with a white collar which was now in flames, struggling to be released from his binds. "
Could be:
As Andrea tried to pound out the flames with her coat, she looked up at the man in the fire. He was dressed in a black cassock with a white collar which was now in flames. Grey duct tape covered his mouth and his face was red with fear as he struggled to be released from his binds.
Honestly, I doubt anyone who says they are Christian would be taken in by someone named "Lucious the bringer of light" The reference is almost identical to the Biblical one.
That being said, the passages that are said to refer to "Lucifer" in the bible (Isaiah 14) are actually making reference to the king of Babylon who was struck through with a sword and was killed--and not a fallen angel.) BTW--I was a professor of religion and philosophy for 15 years--so I am not making this up)
There are a few things I would suggest you do with this piece. Firstly, you seem to repeat yourself. i.e., Using the perfume and the clock as references twice seemed like filler to me when you could have added something more interesting--such as how her lover looked, or his reaction to her, or her feelings about "all she had to offer". I didn't feel the passion in this piece, so it doesn't compel me to want to read any more, so my suggestion to you would be to make it more intimate--and I don't mean sexually either. Include some foreshadowing concerning the relationship between the two lovers. As is, he is portrayed as a faceless nobody that I know nothing about.
Finally, since this is obviously about a woman's infidelity, her last statement seems....ridiculous to me. Almost everyone knows adultery is considered a sin, so in my opinion, it would be better if she had said something like "Oh dear God.....what have I done?" I hope that helps...:)
I might change the structure of a few of your sentences, but overall, I enjoyed the read. Your description of the angst your character is plagued with is very well done.
Instead of starting so many sentences with 'he' I might try to rephrase a few of them such as the one below:
'He clenched his fingers around it, turned it halfway and then abruptly froze.' could be: 'Clenching his fingers around it, he turned it halfway before he abruptly froze.'
Your sentence structure is choppy. For example, instead of saying: 'We turn the corner onto Main Street. We walk under the starry sky.'
It would sound better if you wrote Under a starry sky, we turned the corner onto Main Street.
I don't feel any emotion in the beginning at all because there is not enough real character development for my taste. I like to know what goes on in the head of the characters I read about.
I hope that helps.
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