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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lillievalley
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46 Public Reviews Given
46 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Attention Adults  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Ellis! Welcome to Writing.com!
I read your poem Attention Adults (and I will get to the other one you wanted me to read in a separate message).
This is your poem, so any feedback I give that you don't like, don't take it! Everyone has their own writing styles, and something that I dislike may be adored by someone else!
Anyways, overall, I loved this poem! I am almost 18, and this basically embodies everything I've felt when it comes to adults! (Negative feelings, that is!) I love the line towards the end, "So perhaps you could help us, instead of shooting us down, you aren't perfect either, so please take off that crown!" Perfect! :)
The only suggestion that I have is about how it flows. There are a few parts here and there where just a tiny tweak would help how it flows. The last line of the first stanza, for example: "dim-witted, young, and only feeling frustration", has much more syllables than the rest of the lines. It might help if it was "dim-witted, young, feeling only frustration", or "dim-witted, young, and feeling frustration". (Again, this is your poem, if you like the way the original sounded, then keep it!) This is not the case for all stanzas, just a few here and there. Other than that, I love it, and I hope you found this at least somewhat helpful!
Oh, final suggestion: keep writing! You're really good at it, and you can only get better by practicing!
Best of luck,
~Lillie
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Review of Uppity  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello! You have a great story here! I hope you don't mind if I share a little feedback?

These are just my opinions, if you don't like them, you don't have to listen to them, because it is your story! :)

First thing, you have done a fantastic job with dialogue. I feel like I can hear the characters! You have really brought the characters to life with the dialogue, and that is hard to do!
One thing I might suggest is elaborating more detail when theres not dialogue (not too much, just a tad). For example, when you say
"A young girl apparently, a strangely dressed one at that", you might want to elaborate more on how she was dressed; how is she dressed oddly? Is she dressed from a different time? Etc Etc.
Other than that, I think you have a great story here, and I cannot wait to read more! Keep writing, you're very good at it!
Best wishes!
~Lillie
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Review of Crazy Mumblings  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really liked these poems! I loved the language and how it flowed... you're a great writer! I almost feel like all of them go together, even though they seem somewhat or very different....
Best wishes,
~Lillie
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Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello! For your first attempt at writing, this is pretty good. I would say that with a bit of practice, you will be a fantastic writer!
I hope you don't mind if I offer a bit of feed back? (This is just my opinion, so if you don't like it, you don't have to listen to it)

You have good descriptions, although something you will hear forever as a writer is this: "Show don't tell."
For example, one of your descriptions was:
Isaac was an older man, looking to be in his upper fifties, though Zach wasn't entirely sure of how old Isaac really was. He refused to tell him. Zach had asked him once before but he simply laughed in response. Isaac was rather tall, even taller than Zach, though not by much; perhaps an inch or two. He had brown hair and a beard, each with a gray hair here and there. His eyes were a hazel green and his eyebrows were somewhat bushy. He wore sandals on his feet. He wore an amulet around his neck that he kept hidden in his robe; Zach had never seen what the amulet actually looked like nor did he understand why Isaac kept it hidden.

Maybe incorporate these descriptions in your story. For example, you could say:
"Goodnight my son. Sleep well......" Isaac replied, a fatherly look in his old hazel eyes

(Something like that.)

Another thing: As you write the dialogue, try to think about how they would say it. Do they have a word they like to use? Do they talk in a refined way or impolitely? Just a few things to keep in mind.
Again, you have a really good start and I look forward to reading more! If you have any questions or want feedback, you can always message me!
Best of luck!
~Lillie
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Review of Confushun  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you'll keep writing!
I hope you don't mind if I give a few suggestions?

Nobody has really felt it the way I have *****Great way to start off!!******

About 5 minnuets ago. *****Still great... But watch your spelling!*****

Just a girl an normal girl going on through out life with a family tree with only half the leaves.
**I love this analogy! It doesn't say directly what you mean, but I get what you mean and it feels more... emotional that way! The only thing is punctuation! Maybe try placing a comma after "Just a girl" and "A normal girl" so it would be "Just a girl, a normal girl," and then go on!****

Now the most startling information of all... im stuck in confushion i am so confused i couldnt feel ANY THING AT ALL! NOTHING
****What do you mean? What is the startling information that causes the confusion? And, watch the punctuation! Either put a comma or exclaimation mark after NOTHING, or just make it lower case. But other than that, it is good!*****


not happiness not sorrow Im not even shocked im more empty i cant figure out what to do know. Im so confused.
*****This line basically describes confusion. I couldn't find a better way to describe confusion. The only thing is punctuation. Maybe try "not happiness, not sorrow. Im not even shocked. Im more empty....." and go on.******


The biggest thing is punctuation. Without it, the story is dragged on. Its almost like eating meat. Without description, its like meat without any spices or anything.... its bland. Without punctuation, it's like chewing without swallowing. You need to put breaks between your words so that the poem can process to your reader. If you don't like my opinions, then don't listen to them! And don't let anyone discourage you from writing! You definitely could become a best selling author... you just need to practice writing and feel free anytime to ask me for any help if you need advice for writing!
All the best,
~Lillie
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Review of Chapter 1 My Amor  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
That was amazing! I loved the description of everything, and how you started the story...it was awesome! I wanted to keep reading... I want to read more!
Would it be too much to ask if you could review one of my stories called "Take it All"? I really want to improve as a writer... Im only fifteen, but I have been writing for fun for as long as I can remember!
If you can't, its totally fine, but it would be great if you could share your writing knowledge and such!
Best wishes!
~Lillie
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Review of I, The Earth  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Awesome. Thats all I can say. I think this is a great poem, it gives the earth characteristics and I think this is exactly what the earth would say if it could speak! You should seriously consider sharing it; I think its good enough to make a difference in the world!
Only suggestion: Keep writing. You are really talented!
~Lillie
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Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I just want to say that this almost made me cry... and I almost never cry when I read stories. (I mean that in every good way possible.)
My only suggestion is maybe either put dates next to each new story ( Like January 1st. You came into our lives.... etc. etc.) or say "When you were 2 days old..." just so that its easier to understand. I mean, these are just suggestions, the story is already super good!
Great job, keep writing, and i can't wait to read more of your writing!
~Lillie
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Review of Beneath The Sand  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Karmenlee!
I hope you like writing.com!
First of all, I just want to say that this sounds like it will be great. It sounds like you are a young writer (I am too; though sometimes i think I review better than I write!) Keep writing, no matter what. You will only get better with practice!

What I liked:
I loved the beginning and how it introduces the character. Its brief, but in a good way. It gets the reader into it! I also love the whole idea, and again, it sounds like you will turn this into a great novel!

Suggestions:
In the 3rd paragraph, you say that she gets thrust into a land of myth and legend... etc etc.
In the very beginning of stores, you want your reader to wonder what will happen. I think the third paragraph gives it away a little.
how is the man helping her? Is he giving her a ride somewhere? Tell how he is helping, maybe. You could say something like "She accepts the ride he offers and wonders why he is so kind when everyone else isn't.... etc etc but what he knows is that he will change... etc etc..." Say it however you want, though. It is Your story!

Again, it sounds like it will be a great story. i have no doubt that this will become a best selling novel!

Keep writing!

~Lillie
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Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello!
I hope you are liking writing.com, first of all.
I hope you don't mind if I suggest a few things?

Liked:
I really liked the beginning. It really gave that feeling of 'what is he talking about,' but not in a bad way, more of a 'I need to read more' kind of way.
I loved the story and it's really great!

Suggestions:
After the very beginning, There are three paragraphs that are the other beginning. The first is great, (feel it and let the hairs prickle up, ect ect,) but I think you could be a tad bit less descriptive in the second. Not that it's not great, but after a few paragraphs of long descriptions, the reader almost loses interest. The rest is great, though!

Please keep writing, and I look forward to reading more from you!
Best wishes!
~Lillie
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Review of The Accident  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Newbie Help And Support Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello!
I hope you are liking writing.com, first of all.
Secondly, you are an amazing writer. I could almost feel the emotions... I have nothing else to say!
Keep writing, and happy holidays!
Best wishes,
~Lillie
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Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like it a lot! Overall, it's really awesome!
A few tips, for you, if you don't mind!
In the very beginning, I really liked how you said, it was an animal, but not a regular kind.... It was JT...
It gives you a sense of his personality. However, when the girl hears a sound, don't just say she heard a sound. Show it was a sound, or how she felt. (like "suddenly, my heart pounded at the scary rustle.. Such and such, ect, what ever sounds good to you, as you are the writer!)
Show don't tell, as you have probobly heard a thousand and one times ( I know I have!) but it is very important!
Overall, I really really like this story. Again, this is your story, not mine, so don't feel like you have to take my suggestions and do them, but I hope they helped!
Best wishes!
~Lillie
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Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is really.... Touching.... And emotional.... This is so well written.
I liked how you did all that to make that point, because simply saying 'parents have a huge influence on who we are' would not nearly say enough.
I could almost see the scene in my mind, and I could almost feel the heaviness in my heart even if I could never fully understand it.
I have nothing negative to say, or any comments to fix it. This is amazing.
Keep writing, great job!
Best wishes,
~Lillie
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Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is so sad... But so well written! Great job!
~Lillie
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Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is so sad... But so good! Good job!
You're a great writer keep writing!
~Lillie
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Review of Family Matters  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. This is... Amazing. The story is so touching, and it sends a powerful message....
You are an amazing writer. Keep writing!
Best wishes,
~Lillie
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Review of Valentine  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Theres so much emotion in this.... I felt so sad reading about valentine... In a good way!
You are an amazing writer and this is an amazing story.
Best wishes,
~Lillie
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Review of Identity Crisis  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Wow. This is amazing.... And so sad.
You are an amazing writer.
All the best,
~Lillie
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Review of Emotions hurt  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like it! I want to read more of it!
I love how the emotions and everything are described so well....
You're an amazing writer, and I'd love to read more of this story!
-Lillie
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Review of The Silent Dancer  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can almost see the house, and the ghost.... I love it! You're an amazing writer!
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Review of A Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is really good!
Your a great writer!
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Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love it! It's so cute!
I think it's really awesome! Good job!
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Review of "Hope Never Dies"  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love it. You are a great writer!
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Review of I'm Sorry I'm...  Open in new Window.
Review by Lillie Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is amazing! Keep writing..... You're great at it!
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