I think you have the beginnings of something very interesting here and I encourage you to keep working on it. You do need a little more work on writing short stories, but you show a lot of promise. I was able to visualize as I read through the storyline, but more descpription of the character's looks, thoughts, and actions is needed. Also, I got confused on who was speaking at times, so I would definitely start indenting every new paragraph and every time one of your characters are speaking.
Also, a lot of readers dislike reading large blocks of text, so you may want to double space as you would for a submission to an editor. It's easier on the eyes and people are less likely to change their minds about reading it. Just make sure you check the boxes for "preserving space" after you paste and edit your text on the upload page.
There were quite a few typos, but I am sure you'll get to them and I'm pretty sure Ranger should be capitalized throughout. The best way to learn to write well and improve your own work is to read. I believe one should read as much as you write each day. Study what you are reading, how their dialogue works, different ways of showing visual detail, and what makes the story you're reading a worthwhile read. I left an example below of what I meant about double spacing and the dialogue, so I hope this was helpful and hope to see more of your work in the future! Thanks for sharing this!
Ex:
As he walked onto the field, He (he) was addressed by this man.
" I say. Do you know where I may find the one they call the Ranger?" asked the man.
"I do" he replied.
"And where might that be?" asked the man.
"Right in front of you," replied the Ranger. "Now what can I do for you?"
"I have been sent here to discuss the rights of the forest with you," he said with a mischievous smile as his
I loved this poem! First off, I do not consider myself to be a poetry expert. I just like to read and write poetry and I only give reviews to the poems that touch me. I look for the easy flow of the piece and the visual thoughts it evokes from the reader! This poem spoke to me and I have to say you can WRITE! Welcome to Writing.com and I hope to see more of your work! Change your name! YOU ARE A POET!!!!
Wonderful! This is a really touching poem! I love the visual feel of it and the untold story of who once lived there. I do not see anything that needs improvement and I am glad I was able to help you finish it! Keep Writing and Sharing more poems just like this one! Thank you!
Wow! A very powerful read! I liked how you paced this and your choice of words created a very visual experience for the reader! The last stanza was definitely a surprise and I think you certainly created a very fine piece of work here! Thank you so much for sharing this!
This is a very nice read! I liked how you gave the reader a sense of feeling for the house and its soul!! I too have often wondered these things when I have seen an old abandoned house, but never thought to write about it. This shows your creativity and ability to be inspired by the simplist thoughts! Well written and the pace flowed easily throughout the entire poem. Thanks for Sharing!
I think this piece truly shows your obvious talent for writing poetry! Reading is an addiction and you have shown that very visually here! I liked this so much, I read it twice! LOL! I hope to see more of your work and thank you again for sharing this!
Wow! You have a lot of information here that I was not aware of! First off, I'd like to say Welcome to Writing.com!
Below will be my review of this piece and I would like you to remember this is just my honest opinion on what needs work and I hope you will not think I am being too harsh! I only want to help in making your work the best it can possibly be. I may not notice everything, but this site is filled with many helpful reviewers, so I am sure if I miss anything, they will catch it soon!
I noticed a few misspelled words:
Warwolves (Werewolves)
exsisted (existed)
breeded (bred)
they're (their)
gental (gentle)
alot (a lot)
unpreditable (unpredictable)
useally (usually)
charicteristics (characteristics)
spirts (spirits)
cant (can't)
mentily (mentally)
The following are the sentences that I found that you might want to fix and my suggetions:
1- A major story in the human world as if they exsisted well they do but not alot of them many warwolf breeds are mixed breed or breeded into likens.
(A major question in the human world is do they exist? Well, they do, but not a lot of them. Many werewolves are mixed breeds or have been bred into Likens.)
2- They eat small animals like deer,rabits,rats,and mice.
(A deer is not really a small animal, mabye to werewolves, but not to humans as this is for whom this information is written. So I would just cut out the deer.)
3- They rarely prey on humans so there's no need to interfere with they're world they do live in the human world in cases.
(They rarely prey on humans so there is no need to interfere with their world. In some cases, they do live in the human world.)
4- They are sweet creatures and never hurt humans they do live in the human world with all the humans but they still have they're own world!
(They are sweet creatures and would never hurt humans. Although they have their own world, they do inhabit in the human world also.)
5- Likens do hurt humans alot if they lose their temper and they do have a mild temper.
(Likens have been known to hurt humans because of their short temper.)
6- Likens are living in the human and liken worlds
(They live in their own world as well as the human world.)
7- They're wandering spirts bad and good.Obviously they are dark and low and they have a world called the spirt or shadow world!
(They are wandering spirits who have been known to be good and bad. Obviously, they are dark and low creatures. Their world is known as the Spirit world or Shadow world.)
8-They cant really hurt you but they can mentily drive you insane.
(They can't really hurt you, but they can mentally drive you insane.)
Again, this is just my review of your piece and I am really glad you shared it. Being new to Writing.com and submitting your first piece can be quite unnerving, so I do congratulate you on your courage! I never even heard of Likens, so you did teach me something as well! Thanks again and Keep Writing & Sharing!!!
Wow! This is a really great poem! The pace and rhythm was perfect, the exact type of poetry I always enjoy reading! You are a very talented poet!Thank you so much for sharing this and I will definitely be checking your portfolio out for future reading!
Hi Jaye P. Marshall! I am returning the R&R and am soooo glad I did! This is a great story and it held my interest throughout! This piece shows your talent for telling a story and it really felt as though I were watching the entire thing at first hand inside the court room! Everything, from the court proceedings to the DA's dialogue sounded authentic! Thank you so much for sharing this piece!
Wow, I liked how you wrote this and it really sends a powerful, yet honest message to those who enjoy making fun at another's expense. It is sad that there are people who find the uncontrollable afflictions of others, so amusing, but I guess there is a balance to that because there are people like you who do not find it amusing and you are not afraid to stick up for them. I just wrote a story about a man and his wife, the wife was suffering from dimensia, called Waiting for the Sun. I enjoyed this and I think you have done an excellent job of getting your message across! Great Work!
I don't know about anyone else, but gift points have never been and never will be the reason I enjoy logging on to this site every day! I joined Writing.com because I love to write, but do not have the time or means to join writing classes or groups outside of my home. I craved for a site like this one, long before I found it, because I needed honest reviews of my work by complete strangers (instead of my family wanting to be nice) and I also wanted to find others who were as passionate about their work as I am about my own.
The first day I found this site, I became a jittery bug every time I had to leave the house. It was as if I was a loner again in the world with no one around who understood me. I could not wait to return to my house and log back into my "home" once again. Then, times got harder for my family and I was without internet access for almost 2 years. It was not the internet I missed, it was this site! Every time I wore the t-shirt, I wondered if it was still up and running and would I get to see it again. I was tickled when I seen it was and I hope I never have to leave my "home" again.
I know from experience that money is not what makes a home a happy place. It's who you share the home with that makes it happy!
This is a very nice piece of work and I hope you finish it! Just noticed a few misspellings, but other than that, you have done a great job with using the words to draw an emotion from the reader. I would like to see some of the work you keep hidden. I bet you have a lot more talent than you give yourself credit for! Keep Writing!
Insane to and intense degree ( to an intense degree)
This is a wonderful story and I am going to post it public, so others can enjoy it too! It is very heartwarming and I it inspires me to make a little more time and give a little more patience to my children so they could one day pass on a memory also. Very well written and the ending was perfect! This is definitely a 5 in my book!
I will be honest. When I attempted to read your story the very first paragraph was confusing. I was unable to understand who was talking and who was sitting at the table. All the characters are thrown in at the reader making it difficult to distinguish them from each other. The dialogue and pace was very good, so please don't be discouraged, I just think it need some work.
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