I know this is a short story, but I could see this fleshed longer, with some back-story may be even book length. I really did like the twist in the middle. I would like to recommend a book on writing that i recently finished reading myself - "Stephen King, On Writing". His book has some simple, easy to remember, writing style tips that I have really taken and run with. I'm not even a Steven King junkie (this is the only book of his I have read).
The only negative thing I will say about your story is more just a pet peeve of mine in all types of writing. It is the repeated use of words, if a writer uses the same action or descriptor word too close together it bothers me. You only did it once or twice, but that is the only criticism I will give.
I really did like the twist.
Rachel Pryce
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