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Review of Love's Token  Open in new Window.
Review by kzbpascual Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
1. Your lines are just clauses that appear to be fragments. It would be better if you wrote them as sentences. That way, it would have more power.

2. There are no punctuation marks in lines where they are needed

3. 3rd stanza doesn't make that much sense. You jumped from telling your reader about the time you spent together to telling your reader that you do not regret playing the game. Does it mean to say that what you and your 'beloved' had was just a game? If so, then it cannot be called love.

4. 4th stanza's erratic. First you were saying that your 'beloved' was an expert in the game. But on the second line, you shifted and made him an artist.

5. 6th stanza's 2nd line is redundant. Rush automatically means fast. You cannot rush slowly. I also do not understand why you wrote 'set free'. Set free means you're unbinding the chains you wrapped around the person. But this stanza talks about you wanting to bind the person. Eager would have been a better word for yearning (in the context of your stanza).

6. 7th stanza: Infants demanding to be fed do not push someone away. Instead, they force people to come to them, to give them their milk.

7. 8th stanza: a person will only have one heart for the rest of his life and it can never be replaced, unless, he undergoes a heart transplant. Therefore, you cannot say that you have a new heart.

8. Last stanza: mend would be a better word for heal because something that's broken cannot heal. It can only be mended. What exactly is the 'love's token' you are talking about? Your 'beloved' leaving you? You also mentioned your heart being broken again. You have already made it explicit in your previous stanza. Therefore, you need not say it again.

9. I think that your poem lacks emotion. You used simple words therefore, you must find a way for those words to struck your readers.

I'm sorry if I'm a bit technical. I'm a poet and I'm taking up a subject in college that specializes in breaking down poems and deeply understanding them. Hope you can take some time to read my works too.

Keep Writing!

-KZBPascual
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