This talks to me and reminds me of my teenage years (oh so many years ago). Dealing with so many new emotions and feelings, and having the people around you not quite understanding where you are coming from...
This is a good piece of writing. Thank you for sharing it.
I would like to know what age group it is aimed at? You have it marked as children's fiction, yet you use so very fancy language and big words that children may not relate to. You may need to revisit some of the language, particularly if this is aimed at the under 12's.
Also, your character needs a name and a description, fairly early on in the piece. It personalises them and gives the reader a sense of familiarity with them.
I think you have a strong foundation for a good story here. Best of luck with it.
This is a really great story. I like how to her it is an eternity that she's been away. I also really like her chosen destination! :o)
The only thing I would suggest (and this is an opinion only so please feel free to ignore) is that when she comes home there should be some reference to the baby brother missing her or being quiet for her or something. Just to try and integrate that aspect back into the story.
But otherwise I really liked it. Well done and thank you for sharing.
I like this. The flow of it is good and the storyline is well written. I would be curious to know what age bracket it is aimed at?
One thing though, what is your characters name? It didn't junp out at me the first time I read it and I didn't find it the second time when I was looking for it (I may have missed it). I think that use of a characters name personalises the character and gives the reader more empathy for them. Something to think about maybe.
This is a really good descriptive piece. You set the scene so well. The setting is vivid and alive.
A couple of things. In the first couple of sentences you start quite a number of sentences with either 'his' or 'he'. Look at some alternative ways to structure your sentences so that they begin with a variety of words.
Also, does your character have a name? It works well without, but might become more personal with a name.
Otherwise this is a really good descriptive piece.
I love it!
Your factual account of the the events leading up to the unveiling of the troll was well written, entertaining, and only too close to some I know.
Trolls do indeed walk among us, and you have captured their essence brilliantly.
Thanks you for inviting me into your world.
Wow!
I got lost within this.
You portray this lopsided friendship in such a wonderful way. You make the reader empathise with both characters. I felt Jared's pain. Could also feel Damon's hesitant openess.
A beautifully written, bittersweet love story.
Thank you for a great read.
This is a great piece. Your use of spoken language draws you in. The tension in the room is palpable. The dual personality of Laurence giving it a sharp edge.
I would love to read the next stage in their lives. How they move forward from here. You have set the stage for a wonderful drama.
Thank you for a great read.
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